Scene Listing || Scene Schedule || Scene Schedule RSS
Owner Pose
Link ORDON VILLAGE, ORDONA REGION
AFTERNOON

On advisement from the Watch, Link of Ordon Village robbed the taxman, who have been taxing the farmers for the upcoming war with Ganondorf, returning the wealth to the peasants of Hyrule. The village elder has advised that this was 'a terrible idea', but at the same time, admired Link's zeal to help. But, still, terrible idea.

When the taxman returns, there's almost two dozen soldiers with him. He's dressed in fine clothes, red and white, kind of a not cartoonishly evil Sheriff of Nottingham. The soldiers are dressed in chainmail and have swords or spears sheathed, while a single knight in platemail walks with them, carrying a fine sword.

The villagers hide indoors. The chickens and goats with ring-shaped horns continue to mill around in the village roads, ignoring the soldiers. Luckily, they're not actually here to hurt the villagers or cause a problem - they're here to find out what the hell's going on.

Link approaches the procession, as it stops right at the village's entrance. The taxman steps forward. Anyone assisting the Hylians, or assisting Link, is probably already here. He seems haughty, but also genuinely bothered by what's happened.

"Explain yourself, Hero. Why have you done this? This...this is a mess."

Link goes quiet. You can see the guilt on his face. He's already regretting this.
Staren     There's a twinkle of light moving fast across the sky; Not quite a shooting star. Those who've been to other worlds might recognize it as indicating a shiny metal object moving at high speeds, reflecting light at different angles as it changes orientation.

    In the space of seconds, it expands from a distant point to a plane, and then a sonic boom shakes the plains as it transforms into a 40-foot-tall metal humanoid and lands next to Link and the defenders, facing the taxman and soldiers.

    Staren's voice booms from its speakers. "You represent the Hyrule government?"

    "Hyrule, under the direction of the noble family, has visited unconscionable cruelties upon the Gerudo. Now, it turns even against its own people, using the King of Evil -- a problem Hyrule's rulers created through their own actions -- as an excuse."

    "You are part of an infinite Multiverse now, but you refuse to allow humanitarian aid in through the gates. And yet, you still TAKE MONEY from poor farmers? For what in return, exactly, so that they can sicken and die and fall to monsters that YOU are responsible for creating?"

    The Star Hawk aims its right arm at the taxman. A firing port opens.

    "Explain yourself."
Raphael Cousteau Raphael is late.
Earlier:
"Sir, I appreciate you are taking your own medicine in for personal use," A guard says, "But I'm lead to understand this is anti-radiation medicine, and you are neither suffering radiation poisoning nor is Hyrule likely to cause it." "Yes. Offlabel use."
"Similar offlabel use as this 'Saint-Batiste PREPTIDE', whatever that is." "Yes."
"And the cigarettes, this collection of nosesprays, and the magnesium supplements."
"...Yes."
"Are you sure you don't want to just pay the duties on this?"
"Absolutely out of money. Despite being a cop, the manager of the Whirling-in-Rags keeps charging me rent. Actually, is there a way I could convince you to spot me some of these 'rupees'? I haven't eaten all day..."

Luckily, rather than continue to acknowledge the Inspector and the entire conversation, he was let through. Absolutely none of that medicine should be going to soldiers anyway. It's fine.

"Hey, everybody. I'm Inspector Raphael Ambrosius Cousteau, I'm from the Paladins. As totally an actual cop, I'm completely justified to help with this."
He's marginally better than Staren.
Abigail Barton After hearing about the commotion going on around Hyrule and that strange green hero's involvement in the whole matter, Abigail's decided to take matters into her own hands and...

... Take a job accompanying the tax collector and the soldiers acting as his bodyguards. It couldn't hurt to at least see what's going with the whole situation, although the orange-haired woman looks a little too fancy to be in this village while a little too plainly dressed in her white and purple getup to be a noble.

When the taxman confronts Link, Abigail is not too far away, a fair distance behind the soldiers. She does shoot Link a rather fierce stare, though, silently mouthing "It's time to prove yourself."

She does't actually know if he can read lips, but she can at least hope to get him to take a stand. And if nothing else?

It might help alleviate the situation considering the arrival of a giant robot aiming what appears to be an arm-based weapon. When it appears, Abigail lets out a low sigh and takes off her glasses for a moment to wipe them off before slipping them back on, then turning to Raphael without saying a word to Staren.

"Inspector. It's good to have you here. Please clarify: Are either of you-" She nods towards Raphael and Link. "-associated with the man in that machine?" Abigail nods towards Staren, then starts writing something down on a notepad with a fancy-looking pen. When did she take those out? "I'd prefer if this didn't escalate, but I'd also like to know ahead of time how many people need to be removed."
James Bond MI-6 HEADQUARTERS
Q DIVISION
Last Night

     Even in the dead of night, research and development doesn't stop. Scientists, gofers and glorified guinea pigs hurriedly shuffle through the sterile white laboratories of Q Divison. James Bond has made this walk before. Q has made it more times than he remembers, and never without a little guilt. Still, he puts on a brave face for Bond--as he has with all the others. They arrive at the testing area--a firing range, some targets, a man-sized ballistic dummy, and an empty space. Bond turns and gives Q an expectant look. Where is it?

     "Sorry, 007. No Astons where you're going."

     Bond's frown takes on an incredulous shade. A quip rises up, but he quells it.

     Q procures the equipment. A ring, a dagger, a cloak. Q seems quite proud--Bond doesn't look impressed.

     "I'm going to the Renaissance Fair?"

     The old man rolls his eyes. He demonstrates each of the devices in turn. "A miniaturized surveillance device. The jewel is removable, and serves as a recorder. The ring itself plays back what the jewel hears. Press the hidden button /here/ and it changes the jewel into a tracking device." Next, the dagger. Q draws it, points it at the wall as if it were a gun, and squeezes--the blade shoots out on a wire with a crack, digging into the wall. "A grappling hook--or a bloody nasty surprise for whoever's on the wrong end of it." The old man swells with pride.

     "And the cloak?"

     "Equipped with a subvocal microphone and speaker that changes--"

     "Your voice," says Bond in Q's voice, already fiddling with the expensive spy equipment. He then adds, "Do you mind?" before Q can finish. The other feature of the cloak is disclosed, and Bond is on his way.

     "Ah--one more thing, 007. Here." He tosses, of all things, a flask. "Something to keep the spirits up--just be careful exposing it to open air. The results are... stunning."

ORDON VILLAGE, ORDONA REGION
AFTERNOON

     Bond is here, dressed like a mercenary just successful enough to have some rupees to throw around. A tunic, a leather cuirass, fine pants tucked into leather boots. He wears a single ring, a heavy green cloak, and a dagger at his hip. He is disguised, not just with clothing that seems appropriate for the area, but with makeup--anyone who sees him sees him not as he is, but as a man with short, dirty-blonde hair and matching five-o-clock shadow, with green eyes and a scar just beneath the eye. He's been briefed on the situation, and he knows his mission.

     Part of that mission is finding out the motivation for the theft, whether it's something deeper or really is altruism. It could present a problem if other people in other worlds get the same idea--so says M. He doesn't introduce himself when Staren levels the Star Hawk's firing port, nor when Raphael introduces himself. He does, however, speak.

     His voice isn't his--it's a fabrication of the apparatus hidden in the clasp of his cloak. It's gravelly and low, like you'd expect from such a grizzled-looking figure. "If you go pointing that thing at every kingdom that uses 'barbarians at the gate' as an excuse for war, you'll be a very busy man."
Alruna Greengate Ordon Village is playing host to a bunch of outlanders today! Another one joins the tableau from a different direction - a tall, white-haired woman in a musterd-yellow longcoat stepping out of a shop with her hands full - a bag of sweets, a bag of rupees, and a bag of little pastries of some kind tucked between the fingers of one hand, and a bottle of local milk and a half-eaten meat pastry of some kind in the other.

Alruna is never one to pass up an opportunity to try the food.

Her eyes widen as she sees the standoff assemble out of nowehere while she was in the shop. "Thal's balls, where did they all come from." she mumbles through her food, strolling down the middle of the street. She pulls the cork out of her bottle of milk (with her teeth) and has a swig to wash down the baked goods.
Staren     "Their war is understandable." Staren replies to Bond. "Making their own citizens suffer is not."

    Staren sighs at the people complaining, and lowers the arm, closing the firing port.

    "You still have to explain yourself." Staren points out to the taxman.
Tohru Adachi      "Bravo, bravo. Goodness me, I didn't even need to lift a finger and you've all made a beautiful mess all on your own. Pure intentioned idiots are always the best."

     There's a slow round of applause from Adachi as he comes walking in to the scene, the gun in his hand causing the sound to be a bit muffled. A large, ominous red figure behind the ex-police officer mirrors his movements, clapping and applauding. Both seem very disingenuous, as if they're just making fun of everyone here rather than congratulating effort on anyone's part.

     "Gotta say, didn't expect Mr. Savior Of The Multiverse to bring a toy that big, or turn against the hard working men and women serving their country. But I spose' I should've realized from listening to you on radio that reading the mood or realizing how a functional society works is the one thing you can't do."

     Adachi sighs in feigned disappointment. Truthfully, a village like this wouldn't even garner an ounce of interest from him. But Link actually being stupid enough to play Actual Robin Hood was more than enough to get him to come. And man, was he not disappointed.
Link Staren has a mecha. The soldiers immediately tell one of them in the back to take his horse and call reinforcements, but they don't attack. The taxman looks up, and is just...startled by everything Staren is saying.

"You believe the Great King of Evil? After everything the Gerudo have done? You're...not even a native, and you're just threatening us because of his side of the story?" It's incredulous.

The taxman is so aghast that the knight takes over. "I am Sir Theodor, Knight of Hyrule. Do not believe the /Great King of Evil/. This is not something we caused. We do not want this war. We never wanted this war. Ever since the Great War centuries ago, when the Gerudo first attempted to invade, we have tried our best to co-exist with them."

"But they are liars and thieves. Kidnappers. Stealing our men and our money. They are in the hell they have created. They are creating this war."

Sir Theodor pauses to make sure no one has shot yet, and continues. "We are preparing for a war that has been destined and shows no signs of being a false destiny. We require money to feed and arm our soldiers. We require medicine to keep them alive. The medicine is not being seized outright - it is being taxed. Failure to pay your taxes results in seizure."

"To bring in contraband that is not first filtered through the government is a breach of our sovereignity. Humanitarians may speak with the government at their own leisure and see what they can contribute."

"This is how many nations do it, to all knowledge. The taxes are necessary to win this war."

Abigail turns to Link. He seems...like he thinks this was a /terrible/ idea, so he speaks. "I was told...taxation is theft. That to make peace and stop this war, I have to defeat both the Hylian Army and Ganondorf. Is that true?"

Sir Theodor sighs, heavily. "No, that's not true at all. Please don't oppose your own nation, Hero. That'll only give us a war on two fronts."
Staren     "If it were only the Great King of Evil's words, I might not believe it." Staren replies. "But even your own Chosen Hero is fighting you! And I've seen the checkpoints and been prevented from helping your people."

    Staren's mecha makes a dismissive, sweeping gesture. "Sovereignity? I don't care about your goddamn sovereignity, your people are sick and dying NOW. If you claim that 'sovereignity' justifies that, then it is sovereignity that no good man can respect, save those scared into silence by your force of arms!"

    Staren gives this speech, and then realizes the hero is sort of meekly explaining that he didn't know how taxes work.

    What.

    "...It appears that I put a little too much weight into the moral actions of a hero who doesn't understand basic civics. Still, the denial of aid, when you claim you're in such desperate straights that you don't have the resources to take care of your military, let alone your people, is inexcusable. I want a meeting with whoever's in charge of this nonsense immediately."
Raphael Cousteau The inspector closes his eyes. He needs more information. He needs to let go to his inner self, and let it expand and move outward, among the winds, to the frigid--
SHIVERS: It's..a little warm for this trick, chief. No go.

He coughs a little. His grin looks slightly more pained than unusual. Alright. That's not going to solve the problem here. He's going to have to consult, here.
SAVOIRE FAIRE: I've been telling you! Taxation IS theft! Arrest every last one of these guys for /crime/!
EMPATHY: Listen. They're desperate. They're scared. They're doing whatever they can to survive.
ENDURANCE: They are trying to build a strong nation-state. It's not their fault the foreigners are warring against them!

Okay. This isn't going anywhere useful. New plan. He taps on his forehead. Come on. This calls for a breakdown of the rational arguments being used here. A flaw in the argument somewhere? Something he can grab onto in order to dismantle this entire situation.
RHETORIC: Nah, this is completely rational. They need the things to fight the war. That's completely inarguable, what are you hoping for?

"...If these Gerudos won this war, can you tell me what would happen? I know that I should know, but..." He asks the knights. His *Expression* is unchanging. "I'm going somewhere with this, I promise."
Amelris Belthrone      "Do not be fooled! Taxes are very important!"

     Amelris Belthrone, who was definetively not around to check up on some nice goat wool he heard about and wandering around with Alruna, comes from around with some large bags under his arms, pointing over at the gathering and stand off... and... that... huge bloody Magitech Reaver.

     "It is important for a lord or government to receive funding and building blocks from it's citizens in return for the services it provides!" The Red Mage declares, striding onward, his feathered hat just blooming in the wind, the Miqo'te grinning wide! "When it becomes an issue is /over/ taxation or when taxes are going to be put into an unreasonable use after being collected! So! This is for a War against a Lord of Darkness, right?"

     He points up at Staren. "This is a very delicate political situation!" He claps his hands, looking at Link. "So! What is the full situation, here?"
Riku     It's a hell of a situation. Riku, however, is not immediately intervening.

    He's leaning against one of the Ordon Village houses, wearing a hooded cloak and brooding darkly. The tension around the angry teen is palpable. He's not here to rob Link of his ability to be the Hero of Courage, however. He's backup.

    He watches. The presence of Staren causes him to twitch visibly as some of the farm animals roam around his feet. But for now... He's being harmless. Link has to be able to defend his position without help.
Abigail Barton Bond's approach and comment gets the briefest of smirks from the lady in purple. It's a hard one to spot as she quickly reverts to that professionally bored expression, jotting a few more things down in her notepad before chucking it aside. Alruna's arrival goes largely unnoticed beyond a brief glance, although it does remind Abigail that she should probably pick up some milk on the way back later.

Adachi's commentary, though, gets her attention even more than the appearance of the strange red figure. She resists the urge to call out her Stand, letting the orange blob lay dormant for the time being since he mentioned something a little more interesting. "That title... Is that sarcastic, or is it one he claims himself?" She gestures towards Staren, still opting not to speak to him directly just yet.

There will be time for that later. For now, listening to the taxman, then Sir Theodor and Link when they begin to speak. It's clear she's more interested in listening to Link than Theodor, closing her eyes after a moment when he gives that rather simplified explanation.

"That could be one way to stop the war. There's no fight if everyone's beheaded, but you don't seem the type to do that. You're too..." She glances over at Staren once he starts to speak, then turns back to Link. "... Reasonable to do that."

Speaking of reasnoing, Raphael's question actually draws a slowly raised eyebrow from the orange-haired woman. She looks between him and Theodor a few times slowly, trying to gauge the latter's reaction. After a moment, though, she lets out a brief chuckle.

He might be worth watching, too.
Staren     "A Lord of Darkness THEY quite possibly created." Staren points out, to Amelris. "He'll probably kill all the Hylians or drive them out of Hyrule if he wins. But the Multiverse has more than enough resources to aid their military AND their people. Their people should not suffer just because the government can't manage resources."
Alruna Greengate Alruna gulp, gulp, gulp... ah! She wipes her mouth and puts the bottle away for future use. Her easy expression of curiosity turns to concern as she gathers what's going on. While Amelris is charging in to become the centre of attention as he explains the moderate position, she circles around, brows knitted. She raps on the side of Staren's mech.

*tonk tonk*

"If you want to explore options, putting your gun away opens up more of them." she says, cocking her head. What the hells is this man thinking?
Rean Schwarzer Rean is here, dressed in his usual school uniform once more.

Someone asks about the guy in the machine and Rean looks over in that direction. It's Staren. Pointing his machine's gun at the guards. Rean facepalms. "Staren, no one has drawn a weapon yet aside from you. Please put the gun away."

Luckily, Staren is willing to cooperate and backs off. "Thank you." Rean says.

Rean glares at Adachi as he comes in not taking anything seriously, again. The heck was with this guy?

Sir Theodor explains the Hyilian side of the story, and Rean hums thoughtfully. THe whole 'We need taxes to bolster our military' thing was extremely familiar, given the state Erebonia was in.

...At least the taxes weren't being used to bolster one military branch's might against another branch.

"I can at least contest the kidnapping thing, since they have to create future generations /somehow./ And the thievery could easily just be desperation..." Rean says.

He then sighs. "If neither side wants war, then it's a matter of actually communicating."

As for Link trying to stop the war by stealing the taxes...

"That might help, but also might make things worse if Ganondorf does decide to go on the offensive."
Staren Staren points out to Rean, "Gan-- The Great King of Evil very much wants the war. He believes that revenge is the only path forward for his own people. That is another problem."
James Bond      The mercenary smiles at Adachi--a decidedly sardonic expression. It seems he agrees, or perhaps just knows a good dramatic entrance when he sees one. The quip about 'serving their country' does draw a verbal response. "'Serving their country?'" He asks Adachi with a gravelly laugh. "I don't see them hurrying to give back the rupees." His amusement fades, and he withdraws into his own thoughts for a moment. His face becomes a neutral, expressionless mask, retreating into the shade of the hood.

     These people don't want war, but someone does. Someone powerful. His dissent is meaningless, he knows. But it's a means to exert his will, and those are in precious supply, these days. ...upholding a kingdom he's never been to, to quell the fears of a government worlds away, whose people will likely never know or care about these people. How did it come to this?

     The fingers of his right hand tap against his leg idly. It doesn't matter.

     "If helping is so important," says the mercenary, "Do it their way." He nods towards the guards, then pushes off of the wall, rumbling another thought. "Let them see you're not smuggling weapons or drugs into their country." His thoughts drift briefly to his own world--to Afghanistan. "It's a pretty common trick when a big fish wants to swallow a little one without getting caught."
Tohru Adachi      Adachi is having a grand ol' time. Nobody can agree on anything, the heroes all have egg on their face, and the current situation is so tense you could cut it with a knife. This is the chaos that all true ex-cops strive for.

     The Knight talks, and Adachi just starts picking at his ear in disinterest, though he's still following along with the conversation.

     "Eh, contraband? If this is about my gun, don't worry, it's just a model. Shouldn't be able to hurt anyone! Or are you talking about the robot? Huh, probably talking about the robot actually."

     It's a half truth. The gun is a model, but at this point it fires bullets just like the real thing. Though he's banking on the Hylian tax men to not understand how guns work. He flicks the casing on his revolver just to prove a point, the sound of a finger pinging against plastic filling the air. Not that the Hylian's know what plastic is either, probably.
Link "I'm afraid that's not possible without an appointment. You can be put in a queue by making one at Hyrule Castle Town." Sir Theodor responds, as he moves to answer Staren's next question. "We are facing an army of an unknown amount of monsters and a Great King of Evil with impossible power. We have resources, but we need everything we can to keep this kingdom alive. If you believe our people are simply just dying, you may, again, report to Hyrule Castle Town and offer humanitarian aid and be put in a queue. However, there is no outbreak of plague or pestilence. You hear hearsay from a teenager," He gestures to Link, who meekly tilts his head down instead of saying more, "and our enemy, and then try and insist we give up our /sovereignity/ due to you having a powerful weapon."

Raphael and Amelris ask Link what's going on. Link clams up tight, and just gestures to the knight to explain it. "He is correct. Hyrule would be destroyed and claimed for the Gerudo. We cannot allow that to happen."

"The situation is simple. Ganondorf, Great King of Evil, wishes to destroy Hyrule and take it for himself. We are putting /every resource in the Kingdom/ into stopping him and the destruction of our society and culture. Perhaps some people have died, which is tragic, but the world isn't perfect. We cannot avoid every single death. We must protect our society first."
Staren     "A queue? No plague? I WITNESSED your own people so desperate for aid that they followed The Great King of Evil to another world to rob the hospital there and attempt to kidnap doctors!" Staren points at the taxman. "Your people are so desperate they would accept help from he pledged to destroy them!"
Link "What? You mean the Great King of Evil, who clouds men's minds, and clearly has deluded you, used our citizens to do evil? That is a surprise and we'll have to guard against it more closely. Thank you for helping set it to right." Sir Theodor says, genuinely. He was unaware of this, and it scares him.
Staren     Staren rolls his eyes. "Ah, yes. The old 'Umm, someone has evidence I don't like? Clearly the enemy can mind control people! That way I don't have to listen!' defense."

    Staren sighs. "Look. Since it's not just you, and you've won warriors of the Multiverse over to your side who I will ALSO have to fight if I do things the hard way... I'm willing to talk to your damn nobles. Tell them I want a meeting. Soon. Or maybe next time I will fly this machine to Castle Town and meet with them whether I have an appointment or not."
Raphael Cousteau     Raphael knits his brow. It'd be really, really great to get to verify any of this information, but it's only kind of chilly outside. The most he's able to ascertain is that boy howdy there is a cold place in Hyrule. That's not terrifically useful.
Why even have voices in your head if they can't solve all your problems instantly? Jeez.
SUGGESTION: Listen. What do you even want to do here, Raphael? We can't push you in a direction until you know what that direction is.)]
He makes a few fingerguns at nothing. Alright. This is, in fact, a huge, complicated problem. That means he has to buy time. Which, you know, there's a cat in a giant robot with a gun who--never mind, he's willing to pay attention as long as there's enough people to beat him down.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT: YEAH! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT! HOO HAAAAAAH!

The Inspector starts to pace around a little. "Alright. So this seems like a /big/ economic complication, and nothing we can handle all at once, so.."

He considers. "...There a way this guy here," He waves to Link, "Could get an amount of money to make up for the amount he stole, without taking it from these fine people?"
Alruna Greengate Alruna has pulled a hard-boiled sweet out of one of the other bags she's carrying, and is currently crunching it. Loudly. Obnoxiously loudly, as she tries to get Staren to de-escalate from 'imminent violence /if/-'.

It doesn't work. She closes her free hand into a fist and punches on the metal hull. *CLONG* *CLONG*

"Hey! Is waving a weapon around the only way you know how to get people to do what you want?" She hasn't had a good impression of Staren in their encounters thus far.
Tohru Adachi      "No, no. You see, the country and the people are two separate things and also the same. The people's pockets and the country's pockets aren't always the same. The country can be rich and the people poor and everything still runs pretty smoothly for the most part. I know it's kinda bullshit, but that's just how it is."

     Adachi takes the time to explain his totally original hot take on economics to Bond, though much like everything, it's somewhat hard to tell how serious he is. He /probably/ means it though, given his voice isn't as gratingly aloof as it has been.
Link "You will not meet with /anyone/ without an appointment. I will try and schedule one for...whoever you are." the knight says, exasperated. "If you fly to Castle Town and force your way towards the castle or government, you will be shot down. Please don't start a conflict."
Abigail Barton "Communication between long-time enemies isn't as easy as that, but things would be far easier if everyone else thought like that." Abigail comments after Rean speaks, tucking the pen behind her ear to fish out a second pen. And then a third pen. She starts clicking them rapidly, listening in again as the conversation continues while an orange gel slips into the pens between clicks.

She appears to be growing agitated, if all that pen clicking is any indication. It's not at Adachi, though, even though he might just be trying to rile up the knights. It's not at Link, either, as he lets Theodor speak rather than speaking up for himself. She does approach the latter, though, as Theodor finishes explaining the situation, and she even stops besides Link to speak.

"If you're going to be the Hero these people look up to, then you need to grow a spine. Just don't take having a spine as being a deluded psychopath." She finally looks towards Staren directly, the clicking of her pens stopping for a moment. "If all else fails, just... Don't behave like that one."
Amelris Belthrone      Amelris cross his arms, keeping a smile and a look upon the situation. Great! Two people, with a nasty, storied history with each others, throwing shade at one another and one is probably more to blame than the other but that does not excuse it.

     "Alright, alright!" The Red Mage claps his hands together, rubbing them. "So! We have a bunch of problems. Let's try to untangle this stuff up!"

     He points at Link. "So! You grabbed the taxes, thinking taxation is theft. Okay."

     Fingers moves to the Sir Knight. "You need the taxes because the King of Darkness is wanting to come to your kingdom and start razing it down. Whenever who or what started at this point is hard to prove and just your testimony against his."

     He twists around, flipping them troward to Staren. "And YOU want to help the people here but your're appaled by the concept they want to check what you do. That's also fair, on both sides! You've got several claims that needs to be verified!"

     Fingers to back to the Village. "And theses people are terrified because a bunch of maniacs, us, and knights are here talking loudly."

     He claps his hands together. "Then the solution is simple! Returning the taxes is a good start and CHECKING OUT the Gerudo is also a good step to investigate!"
Riku     The conversation goes back and forth. Riku is tired of this. Every time Staren talks, Riku twitches. The threats, the bluster, the strongarming. Carefully, the cloaked Riku looks down, noticing something moving past his feet...

    And then there is a PWONG, the sound of something flapping and clucking madly. There's a couple possible outcomes.

    Most of them will be appropriate.
Link The cucco squawks. And then it goes flying, straight at Staren. It hits him hard.

It cries out. The knights' eyes widen. Every soldier grabs their shield, as do the reinforcements who have finally arrived. "Cuccos!"

The peaceful cucco, when aggravated, fights in swarms.

Dozens of the things fly straight for Staren's mecha, which also involves flying through anyone in foot level. They're going to briefly try and rip through as much armor as possible, give up, and fly off. They will probably, actually, do big damage in this massive horde.

Cuccos are domesticated for a reason.
Raphael Cousteau Raphael sees a chicken. It's been thrown.
HALF LIGHT: run run run RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
INLAND EMPIRE: THE END COMES IN IVORY AND CRIMSON THE END COMES IN IVORY AND CRIMSON)]
VOLITION: Listen, no. No. Them? Listen to them. Run. Do the run. Do the run thing. They're right.

Raphael Ambrosius Cousteau has never encountered a Cucco in his life, but--despite being a barely functional adult who looks like he should fall apart...damn, he can run.
Staren     The cuccoos attack.

    Staren tries to brush them off. They keep coming. More of them.

    The mecha runs, trying to go fast enough to blow them off with wind resistance. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE THINGS?!"
Rean Schwarzer Someone (probably Riku) throws a chicken at Staren. Which then proceeds to call all of its brethren in a swarm of feathery death centered on him.

"What the-" Rean shouts, ducking and weaving as chickens charge in at their target though the crowd. He eventually runs away, ducking behind a tree until the swarm dies down.
Abigail Barton Abigail's truly heard enough by now. The pen clicking resumes for another moment, and then she flicks her wrist casually when the poultry begins to swarm. That small motion is enough for those pens to be flung right at the Star Hawk, the little things flying rather aerodynamically even as he starts bolting away. If they hit, they bounce off harmlessly, leaving a bit of orange slime on the surface. It's sticky and kind of gross-looking.

And then she takes to the sky. Not by flight or jumping really high or anything. No, Abigail just whips out a grappling hook from her poofy sleeve to yank herself onto a nearby rooftop, moving along to keep off the ground and stay out of the way as the cuccos go ham all over the place. "Just what kind of people try to eat things like that...?"
Amelris Belthrone Amelris, in midst of his explanation, actually obeys Cousteau's scream. In a flip, the Miqo'te is GONE from the ground, leaping up in the air and landing on the roof of one of the wooden buildings near them.

He crouches, staring down below with wide eyes at the stream and swarm of cuccoos.

     "I'm gonna lay off chicken for a week." He mutters beneath his breath.
Alruna Greengate Alruna is getting a bit annoyed by Staren's refusal to acknowledge her existence, so when a chicken goes flying overhead to bonk against the mech's hull, she bursts out laughing, send a small cloud of candy shards flying.

But then The Swarm arrives.

The Warrior of Light, victor over a Garlean general, Bringer Of Sweets and all-around badass, dives behind a pot.

The pot is too small. She dives behind a barrel.

The cuccoos can fly around the barrel! She dives for a doorway, wrenching the latch out of the doorframe as she slams into it, staggers through, and slams the door behind her.

She can hear pecks hammering at the wood on the other side, and she squeezes her eyes shut, putting all her strength into holding the door closed.
Raphael Cousteau After running a considerable distance, against all odds, Raphael has found a safe spot. He stumbles to a slow stop. This, of all things, does not set off his heart. This is the one magic cardio he can do. He whips his jacket off, wrapping it around his waist instinctively.
He looks upwards at the sky, taking a deep breath. The sweat on his shirt soaks through, wicking up the cold. He...
He shivers. He shivers, and his consciousness begins to drift.

Upwards, from the town. The wind shoots upwards, whipping around the clouds, shooting around a sizable mountain where they eat rocks and roll in peace. Back around to a burning desert--but the cool wind is strong now. He can make it. He can see it. He has to.
INLAND EMPIRE: You shouldn't be here.
> We're going anyway.
INLAND EMPIRE: Why?
> I don't know.
There is a man. A grand, fearsome man. His laugh holds no humanity. No kindness. He is..
INLAND EMPIRE: That is no man. That is evil. That is evil that shambles and beats from within like a man. It shall shed its skin, like a cocoon, becoming a terrible butterfly.)]
HALF LIGHT: Wait. Oh god. Oh god, no, what IS that?

Raphael Ambrosius Cousteau is granted a vision of the hatred of Ganondorf Dragmire. All of it. Unending hatred, more than one man could store in his lifetime.
INLAND EMPIRE: An eternity of hate lives in that shell. It is too much for you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: Wow. Uh. That's not a high you want. Wake up, my man. Wake up. Get some cigarettes. Pretend this never happened.

Raphael awakens, leaning against a tree.
Somewhere along the line, he lost his pants.
Tohru Adachi      Adachi watches as a cucco goes careening towards Staren's mech. He shrugs it off at first as someone in the village being possibly upset that someone brought a forty foot tall robot into their humble village. But then there's a cloud of white, and Adachi can't help but crack a smile. The smile is short lived though, and he's quick to switch to annoyance once he realizes that the Cucco aren't really focused on Staren in particular but just kind of going all over.

     "Hey, hey! Piss OFF elsewhere, will you?!"

     There's a clear sinister quality to Adachi's voice as he tells the Cucco's to leave him alone, something that the red figure behind him seems to respond to.

     There's an almost feral-like quality to the way it moves, contorting in what could be mistaken as pain as it bends over and grabs it's face, before letting out a ghastly wail.

     Fear. Panic. It pierces the cucco's brain as they hear the noise, compelling them to scramble and flee away from Adachi and the crimson figure. Unfortunately for everyone else here though, it seemed that the scream was only localized within the ex-police officer's area, meaning that everyone else has to deal with the flurry of feathery death.

     But at least everyone's favorite Egocentric Police Dick is safe, and that's what's most important at the end of the day, right?
Link The cucco swarm seizes off Staren after the wind resistance. They move to swarm at the group. Every member of the group except Adachi, as he yells at them. They're trying to flee, not attack - if blocked or avoided, they leave in a hurry.

As it stops, the soldiers return to the position, the taxman stops cowering, and Sir Theodor turns to the group. He sighs and pats his armor. "Cuccos. You don't even know about them - how could you possibly be in the position to change how we do things?" He says, before answering Raphael's question.

"Mercenary work. He'll have to report to Hyrule Castle Town and talk to the Adventurer's Council for a job that isn't pro-bono monster slaying."

Link nods. "I accept that." Sir Theodor nods. "Very well. You will be under my charge as we return to the Castle Town. Any further questions or discussion?"

He's willing to keep talking.
Riku     Riku just waits, having always been some distance from the group and taking full advantage of that. He simply lets the Cuccos rush Staren. Some dark part of him smiles at the sight of watching Staren be forced to burst dash away and flail around at the poultry pummelling. Once Staren is forced away, he walks over towards the others.

    "How long will it take to get an appointment with the King?" He simply asks the Knight. "Your Hero of Courage has gotten the attention of a large number of people from outside your world. He's been told a lot of prophecies but maybe showing him... and others... who might want some more ways to help might be good."

    He winces at the sound of the scream in the background. "That's unpleasant." He mutters.

    He looks back to the Knight. "So how much are these people paying in taxes, anyway?" A pause. "Compared to how much they make?
Link "I don't know. Probably a long time - the king is a very busy man. Even for the Hero." Sir Theodor responds. When asked about how much they're being taxed, he turns to the taxman, who grabs his collar, and speaks. He rattles off some information. The taxman explains that, well, it's basically equivalent to a normal medieval country in wartime, but it /is/ kinda harsh on the villagers. But they don't really have an alternative, without fucking over their soldiers.

Soldiers need to eat, after all.
Alruna Greengate Alruna opens one eye, then the other as the storm seems to pass. The poor seamstress whose house she broke into rudely is given an apologetic look. "I... oh." Alruna guiltily looks at the broken latch on the floor. "Um. Here." She drops the bag of rupees she'd earned from the fishing she'd done to catch a fish to coax the cat down from the tree to obtain a horseshoe to-...

Well, that's another story that doesn't need to be told today. She leaves the house, closing the door gently behind her and smartly returns to the scene of the crime. Link's crime, that is.

She raises a hand as Link's punishment is pronounced. "Can I come with him to this Council?" She recognises a steady source of odd jobs and sidequests when she sees it.
Amelris Belthrone      Amelris' ears flattens at the scream. Or the screech of distant, angry poultry, for that matter. In a deliberate attempt to look more causal than he actually is feeling right now, the Warrior of Light slides off the roof he's on, adjusting his collar, dusting his hands off as he steps on back to where he was a few moments ago, looking as dignified as a cat that did something that broke his cook, aloof demenaour and is trying VERY HARD to compensate.

     As information about the taxes are rattled off, the Miqo'te nods, slowly. "I see. A little harsh, then." He concludes, looking aside at Link and Alruna, lifting a finger. "Ah! Yes, I'd be interested to see this Adventuring Guild, as well, before I take off!"
Raphael Cousteau Raphael Cousteau does not have pants. He returns, pantsless, his jacket wrapped around his waist. He looks bedraggled, but he's still..smiling. That weird, godawful smile.
"He is no man! He is -no man-! He has hated and hated for a thousand years! He is about to BURST!"

This sounds exactly as reliable as you think it is.
James Bond      One person, at least--the grizzled, cloak-wearing fellow--seems to notice that Adachi's gun is made of plastic. Perhaps he's merely from a world /like/ this one, and not this one exactly? Strange.

     The mercenary shakes his head in disbelief, as Staren mentions asking /Ganondorf himself/ if he mind controlled Hylians. "Even if he answered, what bloody hell would you tell the guards? 'The Great King of Evil said so himself?'" He opens his mouth to say more, only to hear the noise.

     Pwong.

     There's a swarm of chickens, and everyone's running. Well, he's not sure what this is, but he's never unprepared. Reaching for the knife at his belt, he draws it. Another loud sound--the oscillating of durable metal cable as a grappling hook flies from the hilt of the knife. It sticks into the upper story of a house, and the motors pull the disguised secret agent vertically, just as the tide of poultry overtakes his position.

     He nods to Abigail, the nod of a fellow professional. With a tug of his arms, he pulls himself over the threshold and stands on the roof.

     The knife is tugged free from the wall with a feat of unusual strength, whereupon the 'mercenary' retracts the grappel. Once more, it's a normal dagger. He sheathes it.

     It gives him the opportunity to listen in on another radio band--to hear the King himself. War is inevitable, if Ganondorf has anything to say about it. Link's actions, though they agitate the paranoid fears of powerful people very far away, seem to pose no threat to this place. The people haven't returned their money, but neither are they out here ready to fight against the guards. The stability of this nation isn't at risk--not internally, anyway.

     After some thought, the mercenary's demeanor changes from sardonic to certain. Whatever he was thinking about, he's made up his mind, standing tall on the roof. "Better yet," says the mercenary, following a similar line of thought to Riku, "What do you need so much money for, when you've got a Hero? Hasn't this war been 'destined' to happen for centuries?"
Link The mercenary asks the guards about the destiny. The knight sighs. "The destiny is that the Hero will slay the Great King of Evil. It says nothing about what will happen to Hyrule or the Hero afterwards. Not even the monster army. We cannot go undefended, simply because of the destiny. There will be too much catastrophe."
Abigail Barton Once the cucco menace settles down, Abigail hops off that rooftop to regroup with the rest of the soldiers and the taxman. She doesn't pay all that much attention to the numbers that the taxman rattles off to Riku, instead just staring off into the distance.

She may be waiting for something or someone.

"Perhaps... Hm. No, I don't really do any sort of charity work. If you have other jobs, though, I supppose I could see what fits into my schedule." There's another pen in her hand, and she picks up that notepad she tossed aside earlier to start jotting more things down into it. Or scribbling.

It keeps her hands busy.

"Are there any other people like the Gerudo in other regions of this world? If there are... Hm. Would any of them be involved in this war?"
Rean Schwarzer Once the Cucco swarm dies down, Rean steps out from behind the tree. Nearby is a pair of pants. Who the heck did these belong to?

Then Raphael steps out from his tree rambling once more. With no pants on.

...Oh.

Rean picks up the pants and walks over to Raphael, handing them over to him. "You ok?" he asks. He's not expecting much of a response, though.

Rean nods at the mention of the tax rate. Yep, also familiar.

There's also a mention of an Adventurers' guild, and Rean also raises his hand. "Same here."

He can't think of any other questions at the moment, but maybe he'll figure out something later?
Raphael Cousteau Raphael Cousteau takes deep breaths, something..settling back into place. He takes his pants, sheepishly putting them back on. "...Yeah. I'm okay. I'm alright. Just..had a moment. That's all. You know. Medical episode. Sometimes...things happen. Yeah."
SUGGESTION: Literally cannot leave you alone for a minute.
Link Sir Theodor turns to Abigail. "The Gorons of Death Mountain and the Zora of Zora's Domain, once our greatest allies, are staying out of the war. The Rito of the distant mountains are reclusive as always. The Adventurer's Council has been looking for people to talk to all three and try and convince them to aid in the war."

Link speaks, again, this time more firmly. "The Triforce of Courage...they likely know more about it as well."

And then he realizes there's newcomers. "The Triforce of Courage...is the relic that must be recovered to stop Ganondorf. It's split into eight pieces, however..."
Tohru Adachi      The Cucco swarm eventually dies out, and Adachi just casually adjusts his tie a bit while regaining the small amount of composure he lost. Unfortunately for Adachi, his tie doesn't have anything insightful to say to him on the matter, so that's that a bummer.

     "Death Mountain sounds cool, but these Zora's sound pretty boring. Like, it's basically the same as naming a place 'Human Castle'. Nobody would do that."

     There's a moment when he considers commenting on how it's weird that it's called a Tri-Force but it's broken up into eight pieces, rubbing his chin as he does so. But honestly, there's only so many dumb observations you can make before you're overdoing it. So Adachi just decides to stick with bashing the Zora's and totally unintentionally the Geurdo and Hylians.
James Bond      "Good point," says the mercenary. He gets comfortable on his roof, sitting with his legs over the edge. After a swarm of chickens, a pantsless man screaming prophetic vagaries with a lounge-singer grin just seems appropriate, really.

     The tax man doesn't know or can't say what all that money is going into. But... looking at the poverty of this place and the sheer amount of money being squeezed from these people, he knows that his country won't consider them worth the effort--especially not when they can side with the bigger threat. They'll court the Gerudo, provide 'aid' and wrangle a favorable trading arrangement out of it.

     It doesn't matter.

     He might as well ask something that the guards know, or are at least willing to answer. "Just how large a force are you expecting?" He fiddles with his ring, removing the gem and placing it... next to his radio receiver.

     He casually slips off of the roof and steps closer to the guards. That way, the recorder can capture both the conversation over the radio, and the response of the guards. Let the analysts sort it out.
Link "The monster army could be...endless. It won't stop until he's stopped." The knight says.

And then he speaks to Adachi. "It's aquatic. They're a bit...self-centered." He's trying to be polite.

Bond's analysts would be able to find that while the countryside is poor, Hyrule Castle Town most certainly isn't. They're a metropolitan city.
Raphael Cousteau ESPRIT D'CORPS: I'm gonna put this out there. The Seolite looking guy with the tie? He's not actually impressed with you not wearing pants.
Horrific Necktie: Also, his tie's an asshole, in case you were wondering. I'm /way/ cooler than that jackass.

The *Expression* almost pings, and Raphael draws himself to his full height. His heart isn't terribly fond of it, and his blood pressure raises. There is so much to oppose here. So much to stop. It's so very much bigger than he is.
-1 MORALE
..He takes a second to pull out some magnesium tablets. He pops them under his tongue, closing his eyes for a moment.
+1 MORALE
There. That's..safer, now. Much safer. He strides back forward, to get back into the conversation. Luckily, he has his pants back, thanks to Rean. Good job, Rean.
"...So, where were we, anyway? Taxes, right? I kind of lost track in all the hubbub with chickens and everything else."
Amelris Belthrone      "Fun!" Amelris calls out, crossing his arms and looking up, then back down at the pantsless cop, furrowing his brows. "...Hey. You should, maybe, invest in some extra pair of pants, if that happens... uh, again, I guess." He throws a hand up.

     "Yeah, taxes. Also, long-lasting racial tension and bitter prophecies of evil."
James Bond      A potentially endless army versus a nation desperate to match it, putting their hopes on a hero who was, apparently, easily convinced into stealing money from them. This isn't his first rodeo--and he knows who he'd bet money on, in this situation. Which means he probably knows who his bosses will back, if it comes to that. Dictators... well. 'Evil Kings,' that is--are way more prone to doing business fairly, anyway.

     "Taxes," says the mercenary to Raphael, nodding along with Amelris. "Impending war." Then, with a glance towards Staren, to Riku, the guards, and then Raphael, "And a disagreement on who wears the pants in this arrangement."
Tohru Adachi      "Fish people that are full of themselves? Huh, well, I guess that's slightly more interesting than a bunch of pointy eared knights. I'll have to poke around later I guess."

     Adachi continues to rub his chin in a way that conveys that he is very much thinking mischievous thoughts, though he doesn't say much more than that. He's content to just listen and gather info for totally wholesome uses later at the current moment.
Raphael Cousteau Raphael Cousteau looks towards the mercenary, thoughtfully. There's a long moment.
ESPRIT D'CORPS: ...? Nah. It's nothing.
    "Yeah. I get it. Look. This isn't--..alright. This needs to be resolved as quickly as possible, alright? This army needs to be mobilized and ready. There is nothing more important than that."

He looks into the mercenary's eyes. He's grinning, sure. He's never not grinning.
"There is *nothing* in this world more important than making sure the Hero of Courage there does his job, alright?"
James Bond      "If you say so," says the mercenary. His eyes are cold, and they meet Raphael's dead on. IF Raphael's vision is sharp enough, he'll notice, in the shade cast by the mercenary's hood, that the eye with the scar beneath it is milky and discolored. "Not that it's my fight... but I don't know if that's the horse I'd back in this race." A way for him to speak his opinion to MI-6 without giving up the disguise.

     "He stole the kingdom's money because his friends told him it was the right thing to do." The grizzled, hooded man lets that one sink in, leaning against a wall as he was when this mess first began. "The boy's too green. The King, now..."

     He appears to pause. Truthfully, he pauses because he needs to recall something. He recalls a report from a field surveilance asset--an account of Ganondorf's prowess on the battlefield. "He'll kill without a thought. Without a sword, or even a fist--they say he can choke the life from a man with his own shadow."

     "No..." the mercenary smiles cynically. He nods towards the castle town in the distance. "The smart move is to clean out that bounty board and move on. But... like I said. It's not my fight."
Raphael Cousteau Raphael does not seem fazed. He shakes his head slowly. "Listen. The.." He closes his eyes a moment. "I'm sorry, I don't have a really good argument to explain this right now. I'm just *right*." He says, waving his hand dismissively, before looking around. "..Listen, I..really need to drink something. I think. I'm going to go now."
James Bond      Raphael's response doesn't bother the mercenary. He must be used to 'I'm right,' somehow.

     Bond is bored, now. He's made up his mind, he's gotten intel for MI-6, and if this was going to blow up into an internal war, it certainly won't now--not now that all of the villagers are locked in their homes. Not now that Staren has been placated. He could leave now, but... it would be funny.

     "Here," he says, extending the flask to Raphael. It looks like a regular flask. It's actually pressurized knockout gas.
Raphael Cousteau Cousteau takes the flask. He unscrews it, reflexively--he's a long-term alcoholic, it's reflexive, and then, before it's even open, as the first vapors have come out, he stops.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: That's not alcohol. That is not, at all, sweet, sweet alcohol.
LOGIC: It's not even open.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: This is my actual, unironic wheelhouse. That is not booze. We're being tricked. Do something.
SAVOIRE FAIRE: ...Grab the cap. We've got this.
SAVOIRE FAIRE (Challenging): Do something really, really cool with the flask.
-1 You weren't wearing pants a minute ago
+1 This ain't booze
+1 You are right
[::][:.:]

He turns away from Bond, and..throws the flask up over his head. He lifts his foot, kicking it with his shoe, finally kicking off the cap, and the flask towards Bond's chest.

"No thanks. It's not my favored vintage."

Regardless of result, he walks off.
James Bond      The vapor sprays in a dramatic spiral as the flask flies into the air, rushing towards Bond. It strikes him in the chest and sprays him. There is the sound of velcro--a decidedly un-Hylian noise. After a brief cough, Bond makes use of the last feature of the cloak--an integrated toxin filtration system.

     As the filter hisses, his breathing returns to normal. The 'mercenary' stares at the cop as he leaves. This is no henchman, no quirky right-hand man that'll easily be outwitted. Be it experience, or real, true prescience, this one is one to watch out for.

     The flask clatters to his feet. Feeling the weight of staring locals upon him, he shrugs. "Couldn't hold my liquor," he says, his voice patched through the filtration system. He ends up picking the dropped flask up now that it's done flying all over the place. He removes the gem from his radio receiver, placing it back onto the ring.

     Disguise still intact, Bond ventures over to a hitched paint horse, saddles up, and rides off.