Scene #7386: Third District: Septic Speedway

Owner	Pose
Operator	Given how extremely modern New Donk City is, something like an old, disused aqueduct straight out of certain musicals featuring greasers and racing is downright archaic. And yet, one has been newly built to look old and rustic, dust pounded into the concrete with rollers. However, it does not transport stale water, or even regular water. No, flowing along the concrete trench is raw, untreated sewage. The sun burns hot overhead, enhancing the awful odour as it flows down towards a tremendous pipe that links the many skyhigh platforms that make up New Donk City. Waiting for everyone before a great holographic ring in the customary chequered black and white of a starting line are a large orange bulldog man and a short yellow cat man. Both are wearing blue tuxedos, with the sleeves rolled up and the uppermost buttons undone to show some chest. "Hey, 'bout time y'all showed up!" says the dog fellow. "'case ya didn't know, I'm Public Works Director Dribble." "And I'm Public Works Director Spitz!" contributes the catman. Both of them are clearly relishing the import of the title. "And we're lovers, not fighters, so that's why we're challengin' you to a race!" Dribble says. Next to them is a slightly beat-up, yet terribly cared-for yellow taxi. "We picked up fares from here to Planet Popstar before this gig, so we're uh, playin' to our strengths. But if any of ya manage to beat us, the key is yours!" Spitz says, holding up said key which hangs around his neck. "But, uh... where's the big fella?" The sounds of shouting and commotion echo from the street above the trench before DK comes sliding down to join everyone. Slung over his shoulder is an old-school minecart, the owner of the antique store he stole it from looking on in horror as he slams the restored wheels down in the muck. "OK!" says the great ape, flashing a thumbs up before clambering in. The car and dog seem to be laughing at being challenged in such a way as they climb into their taxi (with Dribble at the wheel.) "All right, line up everyone. We're doing a circuit round the city. Ya gotta hit every checkpoint on the way or it don't count. First one is in the pipes up ahead!" A racegirl with a clothes pin over her nose gives the countdown. "Three, two, one, go!"
Gawain	Gawain has brought a motorcycle to the sewer racetrack. He's mounted up, racing helmet on, as he thumbs up to the other racers. "As long as at least one of us beats them, we can get that key. Let's do our best!" With a rev of the engine, as soon as the countdown hits, the motorcycle bursts forward with speed, aiming straight for those pipes with the checkpoint! Hopefully, there's no obstacles, and no foul play. But they work with Wario, so...Gawain prepares anyways.
Tina Natsumi	Sadly, Tina doesn't have a cool car to drive in. Does she even have a license? Probably, but it won't do much here since Uncle Sam doesn't have a car mode. Thus, she opts for a different plan once she hears what today's trial is. "A race in a sewer, eh? I know some folks like it dirty, but this is just weird." She comments with an animated 'blech'ing noise, playing it up a bit for the audience she has watching from the phone nestled safely in her pocket. That plan involves climbing into Donkey Kong's mine cart with her Persona on standby next to the cart. She takes a few suspiciously large cannons off the Persona's weapon racks as she loads them in, keeping one tucked under an arm as she waits for the starting signal. "Looks like I'm ridin' shotgun with ya, DK. Just aim us where you wanna go and I'll give us a little boost!" She sounds confident enough about whatever it is she has planned, at least. Said plan is revealed sooner rather than later, as the cannons are revealed to be her Persona's version of rocket launchers! Said rocket launchers are promptly aimed at the ground behind the minecart, firing right at the ground to rocket-jump them forward with a blatant disregard for personal safety and physics.
Liza Grier	Liza may have mistaken the meaning of 'we're lovers' in that sentence, because instead of having an opinion on the means of settling the conflict for the key, her reply is a groaning, half-vocalized "Of course you are. He's a cat." That aside, she hasn't yet questioned the sheer absurdity of the race before the absurdity of where it's taking place, having long ago fastened her bloodred EVA helmet and turned on internal air. "And aren't dogs supposed to have a sense of smell? Or was the idea behind being in charge of public works to make the city smell familiar; like a dirty asshole?" It is easily the rudest thing she has bothered to say to anyone involved in this whole fiasco so far. "You're losing the job no matter what. You know that right?" Still, there is a benefit to this wacky races nonsense; and it sure isn't 'because it's easier than just taking the key, come on it's right there'. It's also not as if Liza ever drives a car around, seeing as those don't work in space, have a tough time off road, and barely fit into a space station's corridors (she's checked), so her vehicle of choice here appears to be a mechanized suit four meters tall, stripped of most of its armour fittings and very recently spraypainted red, having obliterated any previous logo. She climbs inside. The vocalized activation sequence manages to burble-crackle 'Gygax' then 'have a nice day', despite otherwise starting just fine. It's probably not hers. Like, at all. The choice seems pretty decent, though, when the race girl waves her flag. Despite being a big stompy suit, the exo actually takes off at a pretty disgusting pace on foot alone, almost cracking the cement with explosively powerful leg pneumatic actions. Though it's headed right at the checkpoint as it should, it certainly seems like Liza is intentionally putting the taxi in her way, running it down in the process.
Operator	Dribble and Spitz seem taken aback by Liza's language more than her insinuation. "It's only a good musk," the former says defensively. "Proof of a hard-workin' city! Ain't no shame in that!" To no one's surprise, the guy named 'Dribble' is kind of a slob. The race begins! Between a motorcycle, a rocket-jump start, and pneumatic legs, it might seem that the goose of Directors Dribble and Spitz is cooked. However, it was no mere boast that they are 'playing to their strengths.' The taxi's wheels immediately find traction in the sewage and they peel off to an impressive start, keeping apace with their competitors. Everyone flies into the pipe, which are mercifully lit like a tunnel on a street would be. It immediately sharply turns, the whole thing corkscrewing downwards to funnel the waste below. The duo in the taxi turn into a sharp drift, both to maintain speed down the road, but also to narrowly avoid Liza's bullish attempt to end the race as soon as it begins, ensuring she only succeeds in scraping yellow paint. Spitz blows her a raspberry in passing. DK meanwhile appreciates the boost, but as they hurtle towards the hairpin turn, he shifts his impressive bulk to the side, causing the minecart to go on two wheels. The awful shriek of metal on metal resounds as he rides the bend of the pipe, stuck on the outside turn but keeping apace. Really, he handles the thing like an old pro. After a few exhilarating seconds of nonstop turning, they pass the first checkpoint, which jingles merrily as everyone passes. And then blinding daylight indicates the end of the pipe. Everyone is launched into the air above a motorway connecting two city struts. The second checkpoint can be seen in the distance, off a ramp formed from an incomplete turnoff, leading to another pipe. The sewage runs through gutters on each side of the bridge, with motorists going both ways with windows rolled up. The jump-off is on the side with opposing traffic. Gunning straight for it would save time, but be riskier. Alternatively, going with traffic would lead to driving up the strut and then turning off to fall through the checkpoint. Safer, but far slower.
Tina Natsumi	"Good safety precautions, Gawain! Just be careful with those shoulders o' yours!" Tina calls out to the motorcycle-riding knight, cheering and hollering as the race continues at a steady pace. She ducks her head down and keeps her weight firmly steady in the middle of that cart so as to not throw Donkey Kong off with having to figure out how to control that thing with a rider, but does gawk when Liza just barrels right on after the cab with that suit of hers. "... Dang. I should learn how to do somethin' like that." She murmurs just loud enough to get caught on the recording, although she's not so foolish as to try doing that untested in the middle of the race. She is definitely considering, though. Once the turning stops making her question even sitting up again, Tina breathes a heavy sigh of relief, then regrets it immediately on getting hit with more sewer stank. She sees the jump-off point and the side path, and then she claps a hand on Donkey Kong's back. "You got this, buddy. We'll get right up there, and then I'll see if I can't get people outta our way." With that reassurance given, it's back to work! Once they're close enough to the ramp, Tina boosts the minecart with another exploding rocket launcher behind them, but it's what happens afterwards that needs her to really focus. She just needs to remember to spin the lights right. The image of a police siren forms above the minecart, flashing red, white, and blue as though the minecart is on official emergency business! Sure, it's completly flat and won't really look like anything but a weird light from the sides, but she's banking on it being convincing enough to the oncoming traffic that most of them will clear out of the way.
Gawain	Gawain boosts ahead, shifting his body with the turning, drifting alongside the taxi with motorcycle skill. He frowns under the helmet at Liza trying to attack, but says nothing. Don't want her to turn on him during the race. Instead... Once they're out in the air, he shifts his bike to land with a boost instead of a slow, and then moves to slide straight into oncoming traffic! His strategy is to weave in and out of cars' path, ducking out of the way of rearview mirrors and flashing a thumbs-up to any children who may be watching through the window. Donkey Kong and Tina also get a thumbs-up as he passes them by.
Liza Grier	Catboys. It's always catboys. Liza doesn't appear to be aware that Spitz is just 'like actually a cat'. It's genetic memory or something. The collective wills of the anti-corporate spirits who came before her. There is absolutely no way she can permit herself to take the longer and safer route. Traffic just means don't get hit. Albeit, DK is currently impressing her, steering a goddamn mine cart, of all things, in such a ridiculous fashion. Because she has the benefit of an exosuit, she uses the power of articulated fingers to show him the now-traditional thumbs up upon exiting the pipe, and launching herself across the motorway. The exosuit also turns out to be a good choice for this section as well. By putting a bit of hop into each step, she can run straight over the incoming cars with a few harrowing inches of clearance, sprinting over them in sequence like a hurdle runner. She won't even duck around trucks that are too tall for it; she knows this is her chance to gain distance. Where the others need to weave between the semis and mixers and construction vehicles of New Donk City, Liza slams a complicated series of levers and squeezes a pair of thumb triggers in the cockpit, opening the flaps of the bell-shaped EVA thrusters in the exosuits legs and back, and firing plumes of rocket exhaust that take her over the top, cutting a perfectly straight line to the off ramp (and conveniently showering Gawain in thick smoke and embers). She uses one last chunk of fuel to take the ramp at the highest possible speed and lowest arc, aiming to secure the lead.
Operator	Three thuds, one after another, land on one side of the highway. Cars sharply turn out of the way of the racers, both in response to the sudden descent, and the faux-sirens Tina is blaring. But surprisingly, Dribble and Spitz chose to land on the other side, moving with traffic. "Hey! Don't drive on that side!" the dogman shouts out his window. "Yeah! It's against the law!" Spitz chimes in. It seems that new positions come with new restrictions. Public Works Directors can't drive on the wrong side of the road. DK ignores them, returning all the thumbs-up he is being flashed as they all go off the incomplete ramp. The checkpoint jingles one, two, three times as they pass through it, landing in the far pipe back in the stink and slime. But in the distance is the sound of shifting metal, followed by a thunderous boom. And then the checkpoint jingles. Dribble and Spitz hurtle down the pipe like a missile, the back of their taxi having sprouted a rocket engine. Their faces and fur can be seen through the wind-shield, rippling back from the G's. They did boast that they had picked up fares as far as another planet, but to think a taxi is capable of taking such forces and not falling apart is impressive. If something is not done, they'll absolutely take the lead. But as they approach, a scratchy voice is heard over the radio. "Let them pass."
Tina Natsumi	As much as Tina hates to admit it, Spitz and Dribble do have a point. She won't admit it out loud, of course, but she does take note of their adherence to sensible safety laws. A small part of her feels bad, but it's a necessary sacrifice to resolve this situation at all. Now that the group's in the lead, she takes it a little easier to figure out how to maintain that lead. When she sees the cab blasting closer and closer, her first instinct is to start giving the cart some more speed, but... 'Let them pass.' A voice speaks to them. She's not sure if she can actually trust that voice, but she does reply to it with wholeheartedly. "Weird voice... Uh. Sure, why not!" Meanwhile, Tina's going to be hedging her bets as she ducks down in the minecart, relaying another request over the radio to Liza shortly afterwards. "Hey, mechsuit! Keep goin' just in case, will ya?"
Gawain	Gawain frowns that he broke the law, but it's necessary. He gets slowed by Liza's smoke and smog, but doesn't lose control, as he goes back behind DK and Tina. However, as he pushes through the checkpoint, and Dribble and Spitz come forward... Gawain moves to let them take the lead, as soon as he hears the voice. "I'll put my faith in you, mysterious voice. Please don't let me down!" Sure, there's no obvious good reason to. But...if someone's speaking up, it might be an ally. And they need all the allies they can get. So he'll take his chances right now.
Liza Grier	Liza has gained the lead, which means moving on to stage two of her intentions on making this race exactly as unfair as she expects to receive from anyone who works for Wario. The interdiction of a mysterious voice who has the frequency, knows the race is underway, and the current status of the competitors, who are all inside a giant pipe now, is the only factor that keeps her finger off the proverbial trigger for the moment. There's a small, but still significant, chance that someone around has no desire to see this state of New Donk City continue any longer, and has plans of their own, intending to interrupt in a beneficial way. There is a very significant chance that one of Dribble and Spitz's friends --or at least coworkers-- is making a very stupid attempt at trying to trick them back into the rear. There's no way to tell, but there is a way to solve for both. Liza slows the Gygax at deep water, allowing it some time to vent heat from the overuse of the thrusters --and then sets herself to slamming a whole magazine of telecrystals into the feed slot she's hotwired into the cockpit and connected to her transbonder. The moment she exits the pipe, she'll have a heat-seeking missile rack teleported down from orbit and straight to the Gygax's temporarily stripped hardpoints, ready to blow that taxi sky high (or, more likely, drop it off a bridge) if letting them pass results in ill-conceived cheating. She had it ready to go anyways, so . . . There's not much of a moral high ground here.
Operator	Everyone parts to allow the rocket taxi to soar past, blasting the tunnel and everyone in it with a sonic boom. "Hahaha! Guess they're running scared Spitz!" "Yeah, and we're runnin' outta fuel! Cut the rear engine!" The rocket engine collapses back into the trunk, sparing everyone the burn of a flame designed to escape gravity. The wheels touch pipe once more as the taxi drivers take the lead, disappearing through a sharp bend ahead that halts the pipe's descent and draws it parallel to the ground once more. What follows is the most aggressive shriek of a car spinning out ever heard. As everyone else rounds the bend, they see banana peels, arranged in a thick line around the pipe, even glued to the walls and ceiling. There is no way to drive past this point without hitting one. And the taxi drivers crossed it full speed. They are now bouncing around, having lost too much speed to travel up the pipe ahead and fallen back down as a result. They come a stop, entombed in all the airbags that deployed to save them, eyes swirling as unconsciousness claims them. DK, having not heard or not heeded the call to slow down, has to grab an overhead pipe and pull the cart up with his legs to stop in time, treating Tina to the worst carnival ride ever as they spin around rapidly before the great ape lets go. A figure approaches the unconscious Directors, reaching through the shattered window to retrieve the key and toss it to the group. They are clad head to toe in shadow, but a gangly figure can be made out, and a long nose with a thin mustache can be seen. "Come with me," they say, in the same scratchy voice heard on the radio, before vanishing through a maintenance tunnel.
Tina Natsumi	Somehow, that voice was trustworthy after all! Tina doesn't get to relax just yet, though, as DK's minecart goes spinning all over the place and treats both the streamer and her viewers to a terrible bout of motion sickness. Luckily, there's no puking involved, but the urge is strong as she pulls herself up from the minecart once the race finally comes to an end. The smell doesn't help matters much, but at least she can finally pinch her nose shut instead of holding herself into the minecart. After climbing out of the thing, she glances over at Gawain, Liza, and Donkey Kong before gesturing at the tunnel and heading in. "Uh... Thanks for the warning, guy. Not a fan of the current management, I take it?" She needs to pick her words carefully. A moment later, she makes some fake static noises with her mouth, then mutters into her phone "How's the connec-" and closes her stream. Less risk of recording soemthing sensitive that way!
Gawain	As they come to a stop, the bananas stopping Dribble and Spitz, Gawain brings his bike to a halt. Before he enters the tunnel after Tina, though, he looks to the dog and cat duo, to Liza, and basically makes a gesture of 'is there going to be a problem?'. If Liza moves to try and kill them, he'll get in the way instead of following after. If she just peacefully goes ahead, though, he'll do the same. Hopefully, it's the latter, and he has nothing to worry about!
Liza Grier	Liza has the GPS, but she's counting down the seconds to pipe exit manually. All timed in her head. The warm-up, trajectories, velocities. "Five." She flips up the trigger caps. "Four." Brigns down the targeting overlay. "Three." Checking tone. Starting laser. Then there's that hideous sound, fit to go with the hideous smell, and she rounds the corner to see something she definitely hadn't expected, even in terms of cheating. Banana peel hell is best summarized by her starting to run the Gygax forward, then suddenly not seeming very confident it'll just crush the peels like it should, instead of slipping on them like it definitely shouldn't. This place is weird. And she knows to be very very serious about banana peels. That shit's dangerous. She dismounts. Now she is clad in a smaller, meaner suit. It doesn't even need to be said that she's already holding a gun on the way down, the CR-20 being sized to fit in a cockpit rack. There's a moment where it looks like she's going to walk up to the taxi windows and put a few in for good measure, but instead she only stops behind Gawain and gestures with the barrel. "You first."
Gawain	Gawain sighs, nods, and then moonwalks backwards into the tunnel. "Let's be civil, shall we?" In his carefulness, he might actually trip into Tina or Donkey Kong.
Operator	The shadowy figure leaves Tina hanging for a bit as he walks away, just long enough to make it seem like he didn't hear her, or he's ignoring her. But eventually, he does say, "He should not be in politics." Gawain does not in fact jostle DK because the moment the big fella sees the knight doing his spiteful moonwalk, he starts doing the same. He's one funky monkey. Eventually, the tunnel leads to a larger chamber. No sewage flows openly here, and air fresheners infest the place, keeping the air reasonably pine-scented. A gaggle of people in dirty suits are hanging about, looking despondent, but one at least still seems to have her spirits up. "You found them! Well done Great Gullet," she says to the shadowy figure, who has already retreated to a dark corner. They only sniff in response as the red-clad woman beams at the arrivals. "It's good to meet you all finally. I'm Mayor-or, I suppose, former Mayor Pauline." Her smile turns rueful, but only slightly so. "I've heard about you all. Fighting Wario's council in order to save Cranky Kong. I, and the true government of New Donk City, can only thank you for all you've done thus far. And I hope, we can ask you to do more. In exchange, I'm happy to offer any advice, or answer any questions you may have."
Gawain	Moonwalking with DK, Gawain pivots 180 once they are a ways in, and then approaches Mayor Pauline as she greets them. "Ah! The rightful mayor. I am Sir Gawain, Knight of the Sun, Warden of the Paladins. My goal is to arrest Wario and bring you and your city some peace. Tell me, how did he successfully gain power? How did you all escape?"
Tina Natsumi	Snickering lightly at the moonwalks of varying motivations, Tina keeps quiet until the group reaches the chamber. She waits until she hears other people speaking up before finally breathing in and sighing contently, the 'fresh' air a welcome change from the sewagey stench from earlier. It's not until after she gets that whiff of pine-scented freshness that she finally registers what she's hearing. "Good to meet you all. I was hoping to ask this after sorting all this business out, but... Uh." She rubs her neck lightly while visibly trying to find the words, and she even seems to be having some trouble keeping herself restrained from something. "When all this stuff happened, did anyone actually fight it? The people, the police, the... Anyone?" From her tone, it's clear that she's trying to keep it together, but there's a tone of disbelief even from the simple act of asking that question. Gawain's question has her thinking again, and then she adds on a bit more. "Do you have any contacts on the inside that might be able to help us sort this whole thing out?"
Operator	"How did he gain power? That's... well." Pauline sighs and places a hand to her cheek. "He just showed up one day and started making all these insane promises. Claiming that we were hoarding the income from our recent tourism boom to ourselves-untrue by the way, we were discussing how best to invest it. He also brought up the Jumpman Incident as proof that I was an ineffective leader." DK has at this point stopped listening and is reclining on the floor, but even he perks up at the mention of 'Jumpman.' "Ah, I should explain. Many years ago, Cranky Kong kidnapped me, and took me to the top of what is now known as Jumpman Tower. No one was willing to brave the exposed girders and Cranky's rage to save me, except one man. He rescued me, and the media dubbed him 'Jumpman.'" She shakes her head and sighs. "Cranky escaped afterwards, and it's always been a sore sport for certain citizens that he never saw justice. During my election campaign, it was a constant issue I had to deal with. But it was so long ago, and he's grown so old that it doesn't seem just to prosecute him." Getting back on track, she explains. "So, by stirring up that crowd that wanted Cranky arrested, combined with insane promises as to what he would give the citizenry with our funds, he was able to seize office. He then swept in with his Enfarcers and consolidated his power." Looking to Tina, she smiles sadly. "Of course there were people who spoke out against Wario. But the tide who agreed with him drowned out all opposition. And now, even though he's not keeping his promises, that same crowd continues to justify his decisions. Claiming it's all part of the plan. People's capacity for self-delusion... I'm sorry, that was untoward." Looking to everyone, she asks "Please, continue to support Donkey Kong. Disrupting Wario's council and rescuing Cranky Kong is causing enough chaos that my agents can work freely. I'll funnel you information through Funky Kong's radio show, so please tune in whenever you're here. You're welcome to use this place. My men can show you the exit."