Scene #8597: Seeing Things My Way

Owner	Pose
Ishirou	Ishirou has invited the group somewhere personal. Not to a specific location, but to inside his memories themselves. When they arrived at the place where they agreed to do this, he deployed several OPTIONs. They are small droids, similar to POD, but tinier. They hover over each person, conveying to them the powers that Ishirou has. This allows them to scan his memories, as he draws them into a HUD-like realm. Right now, the area seems to take on a sort of white-and-blue interface. Much like in a computer, or a hologram room in your favorite Sci-fi novel. This connection lasts as long as Ishirou can control it, meaning that it's fully tactile and interactable... even if what Ishirou will be displaying is a memory. On the other hand, you will be able to FEEL and see what Ishirou has. The first feeling is probably worse than when you entered. What is conveyed is Ishirou's severe discomfort with this place. The emptiness of the place, the hollowness of it, the feeling that your very movements... your very existence is unwanted. The idea of being unwanted, of their very existence being too 'loud' rings deeply in Ishirou. Why..? Well you could figure that out, he gave you the tools. When Ishirou reaches out with his senses... it's overloading. You'll hear and see everything he does in that moment. You'll remember what YOU saw, but you also get to see what he does. He doesn't have to touch them, he doesn't have to take photos, doesn't move, just feeling around the people is like sliding your hands around in a bag of raw meat. Worse, they're so still, so perfectly cooperative for his candid photo. Every single body /screaming/ to tell you their stories. A man thinking about cheating on his wife. A pair of children, where both tell you how one is beating the other when their parents aren't looking... both the abused and the abuser. A nearby woman driving her car telling him her /exact/ height and weight, blood type, and ongoing pregnancy like she's going 'do you want to see the ultrasound?' A teenager behind you divulging the last thirty sites he's visited followed by shivers of revulsion. Everyone is information overload, every ounce of information flooding in. That woman's shitty day at work, the old man's persistent ache, his wife's forming blood clots in her weird, gross, withered-up veins, and the way that the guy turning the corner definitely thinks you're a fucked up creep, dressed in a hoodie like that. A voice breaks this overload. ES's voice. §What did you expect? That they'd look at you and think you have nothing to hide? They know, stupid. They're just deciding whether they can be bothered to go out of their way to hurt you!§ This is too much for Ishirou/you. Ishirou/you are designed to take in this sort of information, but somehow it's /too much all at once/. You can see the rest of the group left, leaving you there, as you fall to your knees unable to move. Left in this gross world, everyone telling you everything, and everyone wants to hurt you. It flashes back to Indus. A city, THE city. It's tall and huge, and full of people who consider him a useless doll. He has a job, and why is he there in their sight? He's a broken machine, how can he sit there and have emotions while the rest of us aren't allowed to? Ishirou attempting to bend himself in a way, but it's too much... It threatens to wash away who he is... But you could dig deeper. Ishirou himself having to relive this is so hard. You have his powers... you could find out why he dresses in a hoodie. It's /so easy/ because Ishirou doesn't have any defenses to his own abilities... for him it's like looking at a computer screen. Just a single tap to know...
Stanley Padgett	Stanley sort of boggles as he slides into this MINDSPACE, his hands wiping down at his 'shirt', though really he's just a mental projection, and the nervous tic is barely a thing inside this place. This is too much for Ishirou/you. Ishirou/you are designed to take in this sort of information, but somehow it's /too much all at once/. Stanley sighs, and his mental projection quietly slides out a pair of chairs from somewhere. Yes, even in Ishirou's own head. He's been invited in after all. He then finds the Scout model, and quietly... sits him down in one chair, plucking Ishirou out of the ether if he has to. Stanley takes the other chair, and then looks seriously into the other's face. "Hey. Hey, if this is painful or too much, you don't have to open up like this. I'm not worth this sort of pain." He tries to soften his face, but the noise around him, Ishirou's noise, is deafening and silent all at the same time. A wince. "I'm guessing you kept all your old sensing systems, but... I figured your builders had something else in mind for all this data? Rather than just have it rattle around?"" The 'voice' of ES rumbles in, and Stanley frowns. "And you want me to go digging? Buddy..." He wilts, and reaches out both his hands to the mental projection. "Hey. Hey, look at me. I'm not about to make you go down that road again."
Charlotte Newman	The eternal novelty of advanced floating robots is soon overtaken by an undeniable reminder of Unwelcomeness that hung so heavily in the air that day. Charlotte doesn't have much time to marinate in that, though, as the memory of Ishirou's sensory overload begins its bombardment. It's still too much all at once. Maybe it's stirring her own memory of being in Exigent Serenity's presence, but it's feeling awfully hard to breathe, suddenly. While Stanley does his best to make this a welcoming space, Charlotte's hands touch at her own temples, eyes closing with a little 'nn' sort of noise. Not that it helps much in the least. The memory of Exigent Serenity's voice snaps her back to attention, only relaxing with the inner reminder that this is a Memory. Of course they spoke to everyone differently. The girl exhales slowly, lifting her gaze into the expanding memoryscape, "It is feeling a little bit like..." She shifts her eyes to Stanley, then to Ishirou, "Is this really something you want us to do?"
Ishirou	Ishirou can be moved, and the chairs aren't easy to make happen. He has as much access to his powers as Ishirou's own. There is an issue though, when Stanley gets to the 'scout model' there is a hick-up in the system. Ishirou's own thoughts are unbidden, for a moment. A response to the narrative powers of Stanley's persona, and Ishirou's mental realm. 'Scout? Haha... why does he think of you as a scout Ishirou? It's just like I said...' it's something muffled, something that's hard to read but not because of Ishirou or you... it's like something else is trying to keep it silenced, but the thought was enough to give it just a moment to voice itself again. Just like that it's gone again, as if the intrusive thought had never existed. However, unbidden to Stanley, is that Ishirou has never gotten rid of his sensory equipment, everything he was as an android he kept as a human. He wasn't really purely a human, he was some strange combination... parts were inorganic, and some were organic. And that made him less than human. Charlotte will know that it shouldn't be too much at once, because Ishirou can process data horrifically fast. However, this world, demands that he listen to everything and everyone, not talk back, and must be ready to be hurt by everyone in it... He grabs Stanley's hand, staring up at him. "Don't use me as an excuse," he says, trying to keep himself together. "I tried using my words, but you ignored them. I tried to get into your head how important it is that you listen, but all you can see is your version of Lilian, of me..." he breathes in. "It's too late now, so I will make you listen no matter how much it hurts me." "Because if I can make Lilian's life even a little better if I can spare her /any/ pain, then I will. You need to understand what and how I got the bloom," he says, and looks at Charlotte, "Yes. Please, just... listen. Understand. She didn't want to show you that world, but you need to understand... it is /how/ she sees the world around her. How many times do you think she was hurt like that? We just experienced a few minutes. And unlike you... I can read minds like she can."
Ishirou	He stops, because he's advancing things now... Hands fall on Ishirou's shoulders. Even through his medical mask, he smells smoke, tastes iron, feels battery acid licking at his cheeks. Those fingers seep their cold right through his many layers, soaking into his flesh, and at least leaving his hunched back blissfully numb. §Oh Ishirou . . . You're never going to make it like this. What good did the power to see into everyone else ever do anyone? All you're going to find out is how horrible they are. How much they hate you. Wasn't that obvious? You're just no good at closing your mind . . . Everything everyone says, the whole world, just comes pouring in through your curious little eyes, until it's filled up every last bit of you, and pushed all the 'Ishirou' out.§ §Why are you still so curious, after all this time? Why do you want to figure anything out? You know they hate you, or you wouldn't be dressed like that. Isn't it long past time to stop thinking about other people? You don't need any of them at all, silly. Just look for the only thing you want to. Think of them like a bunch of ugly plastic traffic cones~ Just junk! Littering up your path. If it's too big to see past, walk around them. If they're not, just step on them~ Empty wrappers and broken beer glass; you know how to look past those, right? Try it!§ §If you can't do that, you might as well just listen to Petra and kill yourself. You don't want that, right?§ It was so awful, the feelings didn't stop, the voices kept coming, and the data just continued to drive into Ishirou/your minds. The words from ES are... the numbness she brings feels like a comfort. Something is talking to him, someone that understands. Someone who DIDN'T WALK AWAY WHEN HE WAS CRYING OUT IN PAIN AND NEEDED HELP. He felt like a starving man being given food.
Ishirou	The questions hit hard. What good was the power? (it wasn't, it's something he had from Indus) Why did he want to fill himself with everyone else? (because he was empty, everyone suffered so much more, he just wanted to be like the heroes who saved him... even if he wasn't really anything like them.) Why did he keep trying to let everything in without a filter? (to make himself feel like someone real... like someone who could be respected and talked to... to someone who wasn't just a background character) But instead of these real feelings, he kept telling himself it was 'to know'. Maybe it was real, to some extent. He was curious, he wanted to know things... but in reality, he wanted to be accepted. By someone... by anyone. Even if it burned away everything he was (Indus), or because he could fade into the crowd and be like everyone (society outside of Indus), or be like his hero (because she was so much more important...) 'You know they hate you, or you wouldn't be dressed like that.' It's true. They do hate him, everyone hates him. Everyone looks at him and thinks he's a freak. He has to hide himself, hide what he did to himself. He ruined himself. He was happy, he had something... but he lost it because of his selfishness, because of wanting to blame 'the other' when the reason was his fault. He fooled himself into thinking he could be 'a new human', but he couldn't take it... because it didn't really feel right to him. Because it didn't feel right /to him/ he felt they knew and judged him... 'You don't need any of them at all, silly. Just look for the only thing you want to.' ...I don't..? If... 'Think of them like a bunch of ugly plastic traffic cones~ Just junk! Littering up your path. If it's too big to see past, walk around them. If they're not, just step on them~ Empty wrappers and broken beer glass; you know how to look past those, right? Try it!' I... but... §If you can't do that, you might as well just listen to Petra and kill yourself. You don't want that, right?§ ...No..! He doesn't want to die. He wants to live, he wants... It's then he realizes the truth. He takes in something that ES had given him. A way that Lilian had survived, and a way he internalized. It was here when he started walking again...
Stanley Padgett	Stanley rocks back in his seat, at the rush of emotions of thoughts, of Ishirou's pure desperate need to be SEEN. And it's overwhelming. And it's noisy. And it's a just... mass of pain and vision and- Stanley gets up, and grabs Ishirou's hands, and squeezes hard. "HEY. STOP THAT." He's hoping some sort of external signal will get the Android to turn the spigot of memories off. But it doesn't happen. It keeps coming and coming, wave after wave of painful memories. So Stanley does the next best thing. He hugs Ishirou. Though it's less of a 'hug' and more of a 'restraint hold', mentally grappling with his mental host, trying to wrassle him into submission. "Buddy, come on, please, just calm the hell down. Please." And when the questions come, rather than the memories, Stanley slips back to Hug Level Normal. He can hear the mental calculations, the back and forth sorting itself out in Ishirou's head, and just keeps hugging.
Charlotte Newman	Charlotte is told to listen. She listens. Arms folding up in a loose self-hug moreso than some sort of impatient gesture. A clear response to the profound discomfort, of Exigent Serenity's recalled words, of this oppressive surrounding and Ishirou's own thoughts. Another voice cutting through it all prompts her to look up in thought, though she clearly tucks that away for later, refocusing on what's in front of her. Traffic cones, empty wrappers, broken glass... "Well that makes a lot of sense..." Charlotte mutters to herself, "Certainly tracks with what I was told." People are less than worthless. That's something that's been chewing on her anxiety for a while now. Even before Exigent Serenity decided to broadcast her frustrated thoughts to everyone for a cheap laugh. Her eyes close, letting out a long, low sigh, "It's such a muddled message..." Stanley moves, prompting her to jump, "--Uh?" Charlotte does not move as the Fool does, though, finding her gaze dropping with that guilty look on her face again.
Ishirou	Ishirou fights through the rest of the memories... §Good. You're back on your feet, Ishirou. And you're starting to recognize who matters. You didn't do anything special yet, but you're starting to get it. Don't look at them. You don't need to know everything about them. You don't need to know anything. They aren't real. Just keep it up like that, and you'll make it, okay?§ Ishirou has only to blink, and one of his subsidiary micro-senses snuffs out like a candle. No longer is he barraged by that information. Any information. Blissful quiet. The freedom to move without anyone looking at him, talking to him, noticing him. All for such a tiny price, extracted by the world's kindest devil. What does it matter to him if the faces passing by look kind of slippery? Like, they're sort of hard to hold in his mind's eye. When he doesn't focus on any one feature, it melds back into the vague register of 'human face' surrounding it. Seriously, who cares? He doesn't know any of these random strangers, and he'll never know them. §Secure your own mask first, Ishirou~§ Warmth in the palm of his hand resolves into a soft, budding flower. He holds Stanley back with just the ability to project a wall. It's invisible, but it keeps the young adult back. Ishirou doesn't want his hug, but he slowly opens his eyes. ES's words provide some strength again, he can keep his gaze even. "Why are you trying to hug me? What about me drives you to dive at me and provide me love and care? Why not Lilian? Isn't this her mind being dragged out and exposed to everyone? How is it different than what I am doing for you? The difference is that I'm doing it willingly, she had it dragged out without her consent. She didn't know until I showed her." "Why didn't you go hug her? She offered you and this city more than I have." He sighs, "And yet when I was given this, I nearly fell back into my old habits. I tried to internalize this, instead of accepting it as a gift. I am not ES, I am not Lilian Rook... I am Ishirou, and unlike them, the people do matter to me... but.." "The idea isn't about not caring, but knowing who to care for and why. Seeing past the situation, and understanding the pain that others have. You can't just hug it away, you can't just provide tepid words either... you have to approach it with your heart. That... I think that is how I want to solve this." "I can't tell you how to approach this, but I can tell you how to not."
Stanley Padgett	Stanley slides back out of the hug, but there's heat and hurt in his eyes as Ishirou backs him off. "Because Lilian is NOT the one who invited me into his head to get a look at memories that are painful to him. Because Lilian is not the one who is here suffering in front of me. Are you seriously so fixated on someone else's well being, someone else's pain that you're going to let the parts of that person who are deliberately lashing out at others to do so even when they aren't here?" Stanley gets up and stares at Ishirou. "Of COURSE my idea of Lilian is the only I have, Ishirou! No one else can stop that, even all these things you're showing me is just adding to MY idea of what Lilian's about. And it's making me uncomfortable that all of her friends are suffering because she's suffering and that you seem to feel the need to just... peel yourself open to show me and Charlotte that this is okay." "I'm not sure what else you wanted out of all of this, Ishirou, but you're sorting things out in your head, so that's good, but..." There's a crestfallen look on his face. "Buddy, this isn't how it's got to be. You died and came back and this..." He mentally waves at Ishirou's form. "This is good! You are not a fucking toy. You are people! You're not some... broken reject, any more than I am for being fucking thrown around the country by a succession of neglectful families." "And you need to stop measuring yourself against bars that are literally impossible to hurdle because they are being thrown in your path by things that, again, as you and others have pointed out, are just trying to fuck with people because it's funny or whatever." He sits again. "And I get it, I can't literally read minds, I don't get the sort of... emotional garbage being slung around all the time by everyone else, but that's because we..." Stanley huffs. "I'm not equipped for that." A beat. "Also if I hugged Lilian she would probably stab me."
Charlotte Newman	"I can't speak for Stanley," Charlotte speaks up, "But while I do my best to not get in her way or cause her trouble, I also doubt Miss Rook wants hugs from someone she hates." She closes her eyes, head dipping forward a touch, "That'd also be a bother. Just a different kind of bother." Shifting how her hands are placed, Charlotte supports either elbow in the opposite palm, "I definitely jumped to conclusions and made several wrong assumptions that day... but that part I'm fairly certain is true. When hating me is trotted out as a bonding moment well before this happened, what other conclusion can I make?" "I do what to do what I can to help, but if the only course forward is the one that's the least bother to miss Rook..." Charlotte's eyes finally open, "Should I even be involved in the first place? It sounds like I'd do more good staying out of the way."
Ishirou	"No, but she was suffering there even if she didn't realize it. Because she's /normalized/ this," Ishirou says to Stanley. "Am I so fixated on someone that I'd hurt for them? Isn't that what love is? To unconditionally care for someone so much that you'd hurt yourself for them, and they for you? It isn't about the good times, it's about being there in the bad... it's about making their lives easier, by any means necessary. Even if it's opening your heart to two children who don't understand the first thing about the person you love." "Don't tell me how I should look. Please. I don't need your judgment on that, now or ever..." he says, closing his arms over himself. "You don't know how it is to be considered that. A toy... to have your autonomy stolen from you. ...And I don't care that you don't. In fact, I rather like that you haven't suffered like I have." "Every time someone says this about Lilian... every time someone is afraid she'll hurt them I..." he pauses, not sure what to say at first, "I don't understand them. She's done nothing but care for others. She showed up here to try and fight the Nova people... she..." he can't help this one, but the memory of Lilian caring for him... saving him from Indus... they flash fast, and he feels a little stronger. "She's told you how ES works. I've shown you how I experienced her..." He looks to Charlotte, "Nobody said anything about hugs. Care isn't physical affection, it isn't saying the right words it's... it's about being there, and showing you care. You fucked up, and... so have I. But there is only one thing you can do. Show kindness. Again and again and again until it becomes natural to." "It's your home, isn't it? I can't tell you what to do, but... do you staying out is something you want? What she wants? That's throwing all of the burdens on her, isn't it? That you couldn't look past your own problems to solve anything. That you couldn't shoulder some of the situation..." The world fades and things return to the 'real world'. Ishirou calls back his OPTIONs. "If there is something you don't understand... talk to her, ask her, try to understand her. Stop trying to put your own thoughts on her. Experience her for who she is... and hold your thoughts back. Wait, and listen... let the idea turn in your head a few times." He slowly goes quiet. He's run out of spoons to keep going, it was exhausting to him.
Charlotte Newman	Charlotte falls silent, listening again. As she processes what Ishirou tells Stanley, and then more directly tells her, her eyes glance down in searching thought, shifting just slightly so from side to side as if reading something off a page-- that thing some people do when processing something seriously. The girl exhales slowly, eyes closing, "Of course it's not what I want, mister Ishirou." As the Options retreat and the mindscape flickers out of view, Charlotte's eyes open slightly, glancing aside, "It's not about what I want." Eyes open further when she realizes things have reverted, glancing that way, then the other. After a moment, she fixes her gaze back on Ishirou and bows a bit at the waist, "Thank you. I know it was hard to-- go through that again." Her gaze drops again, "I'll... I'll think about what you said, some more. An off-the-cuff reaction is... well... I've been bad enough with those already."