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Petra Soroka Silke02n1    srry for yelling btw
Silke02n1    this is a fine way 2 talk if its what u can do
Silke02n1    was just anxious cuz its urgent

    Petra types the last word of her apology to Hazel frantically, accompanied by the click of her fingernails on the touch screen of the DS. Then, without reading it over, she flips the device closed and sighs heavily, unrolling herself onto the grass.

    She lays there for a minute, listening to the gentle chatter of the rest of the group once Hazel's door finally creaks open, idly wondering if she's about to be flattened by the tiny Archer's power. Nothing she could do about that, anyways.

    Even at this distance from the outpost, the weight that settled in Petra's stomach doesn't dissipate, though the flash of anger that heated that iron ball cools quickly. Laying here for longer will only make her look worse, so Petra slowly pushes herself up and approaches the building. She tries to stay out of view of the cracked door to watch, and when Ishirou comes out, Petra bizarrely reverts to pretending like she wasn't staring.

    "Hey, uh, Ishirou. What's... um, what's her deal? What's the plan?"
Ishirou "She wasn't going to shoot you, I imagine.  She wanted you to go away, and if she wanted to hurt you she could have easily done it herself.  So don't worry about that," Ishirou says in a tone to try and soothe fears.  He's also carrying a few containers, empty right now.  He tosses two towards Petra, two iron ones...easily the heaviest ones.  

POD is carrying one, and Ishirou carries two while holding a few more in the air around him.  "Come on, we're going to get water," he says, brokering no room for objections.  "As for the plan, the plan is to try and help her and get her to open up a little bit."

"She's...hurt.  Hurt in a way that's not easy to see I think.  She wants to help but also doesn't want to talk to people.  She likely wants to help people because of her mom but is also afraid to lose people so she wants to push them away.  Not sure, but it's a guess based on what I've observed and listened to."

"And those Nazca assholes want to hurt her more..." he says, a twinge of anger in his voice, "And you hurt her a bit..." he says but without the anger, just exasperation.  "So before we get into her deal, how about I ask you a question," he says flatly.

"What's your deal?"
Petra Soroka     Petra staggers under the sudden weight of the two buckets, though she does manage to catch them each in one hand. Her stumble seems to have been more out of surprise than the weight. She adjusts her grip on the containers with her lips pressed together, hoisting them into a more comfortable position.

    "Water...?" Petra trails off, hearing the clattering of Tamamo setting up her makeshift kitchen. "Ah. Fine."

    Petra turns to start trudging down to the lake, and her back underneath her bomber jacket visibly tenses up, even before Ishirou brings up Petra's own fault. "You know what I don't get? What bothers me about this? What my *deal* is?"

    Petra's arms jerk upwards as if to wrap around herself, but then fall back down, pulled by the weight of the buckets. She hisses out a sigh and softens her tone. "Ugh. It's just that, everyone's got shit like that, right? And it's so much less important to everyone to care about it, to be delicate about it, unless the damaged person has power of some kind. And it kind of pisses me off, that people demand that kind of patience, and that others give it to them, when it's an emergency."

    Her boots scuff against the dirt path as she plods down the mountain. "It pisses me off. I feel like it should be the other way around."
Ishirou Ishirou stares at Petra for a minute, "People /do/ care about others even if they don't have any kind of power.  People /are/ delicate about it without them being powerful.  Emergency or not.  Your right, everyone does have shit like that..."

"God knows we all have shit like that.  Right now, though, it's not about /our/ shit it's about /her/ shit.  That's the whole point of us coming here, the whole point of this meeting.  Her.  It was originally just meant to be a meet-up and to see what the hell the Russians were doing, but now we have to act to save a girl not just from others, but herself."

"We're here because we're supposed to have our shit enough in hand so that we can help others.  If that ain't the case...then you should have taken Lilian's advice back when Hiromi attacked.  The time for our shit isn't when we're being counted on by others.  It's when we're with others we care about."

"What I'm getting here is that you want others to not be mad at you and ask you why you acted like that to her.  Well, that's not how it works.  You want to be an elite, then you put your stuff to the side when it comes to others.  It's a thankless job, and sometimes people hate you for doing it.  Nobody is going to think anything less about you if you stop because it's /not/ for everyone."

"So stop.  Right now.  If your goal isn't here to help this girl and her people...if it's /anything else/ right now.  Then get on your robot and get out of here.  I'll tell them that you had an emergency.  You can slowly fade out, or tell others close to you that you're stopping being an elite."

"Just..." he says, with a sigh.  "Stop trying to do this to yourself.  Trying to push Lilian isn't a great thing to have to happen...for you OR her.  So...are you ready to talk about what's really going on?  Just me and you, nobody else.  I won't say a thing to anyone unless you want me too.  But.."

"After this, we have to be focused on her."
Petra Soroka     Petra freezes in her tracks. Her heel scrapes against loose rock, sounding like teeth grinding together. Judging by how tense her jaw looks, it's likely that she's actually doing that, too.

    Losing against her better judgement, Petra whirls around, the momentum sending the buckets smashing into her thighs. She doesn't flinch, glaring at Ishirou. "Yeah! We came here for her! To help her! And she's, get this, just as fucking powerful as any of us! She's just as much an Elite, even if she spends all her time holed up in some filthy hut."

    "Don't give me that crap about needing our emotional shit in order to be an Elite. Fucking *none* of you do, I've seen it. We're expected to be patient and forgiving for her garbage, I'm expected to be patient and forgiving for Rook, everyone's baggage starts mattering at the exact moment that they become a threat to you!"

    Petra takes a step towards Ishirou, eyes screwed mostly closed. Her voice comes from the back of her throat when she swears, sounding almost like a growl. "And *God*. Of course you'd tell me to leave too. Of course you'd bring her up, and parrot everything she says. This isn't about her, this wasn't about her, I wasn't *pushing* her. But it's always about her, isn't it, because she's just sooo fucking important, and strong, and fucking *damaged*."
Ishirou "No, she's more powerful than at least the two of us," Ishirou says with a straight face.  "Being an elite isn't just about being powerful, it's also about being /able/ to use that power.  It doesn't matter if you use that power for good ends, bad ends, or even neutral ends.  It's about the desire to /use/ it on a grander scale.  Anyone can /have/ power, not everyone can deal with the reality of it."

Ishirou pauses though, listening to her about not needing emotional shit.  Then he speaks, softly.  "I did," Ishirou says, "When Indus...when Indus decided to kill me for learning the truth, S6 had to cut my arm off...she needed something to bring back.  She had to leave me for Tamamo and Lilian to pick up."

"She...it hurt her so bad.  That she had to do that, to see me in that state.  At the time, I didn't know it was a bluff, I was barely able to mentally keep myself going.  In the end...I actually just let myself get cut down, because I couldn't harm her."

"When I woke up, the first thing I saw was her sleeping.  She had stayed by my bed for days as I recovered.  She...begged for my forgiveness, and thankfully POD had recorded it, so I was able to see what happened."

"But...I had to spend time without my partner.  Cut off from my home...even if the humans abused me, I missed the people I left behind.  The other members of FANTOM.  I spent the better part of a few months barely capable of functioning...I wanted to do what that little girl did..."

"Until I did.  Until in a world created by Phony she gave us the ability to be what we wanted.  My mind naturally gravitated toward being human.  I couldn't...I couldn't function knowing that the moment the room that allowed us to be the selves we actualized shut down, I'd be back to being something I /hated/."

"I buried myself in absolute darkness.  When they fished me out of there I buried myself in work, or my bedroom..."

"Until I couldn't take it and...I reached out to Phony for help."

"I wasn't a threat to anyone, I continue to not be a threat to anyone.  People reached their hands out to me because they wanted to help, as I'm doing right now."

"Our conversation isn't about Lilian, I believe the question I asked you was 'what is your deal'.  Is it really jealousy that we're showing this obviously hurt girl patience and kindness?  That you're mad about it because it's something you think you deserve more? The moment we're done talking though, it's going back to the mission."

"Until it's done until she's safe.  Then I suggest you figure something out about yourself...because right now this group could use you.  I think you have something to add here, but not as you're acting right now."
Petra Soroka     Petra's lip twitches into a sneer, and as often as Ishirou's seen some variant of anger on her before, this expression feels discordant on her face, as if her girlish features shouldn't be capable of forming it. "Kore, too, huh. No surprise there, I guess. So you're some construct of hers, or something? Wanted to be something different badly enough that you let her tear you down and rebuild you? Some people have to work for that. Doesn't matter, though."

    Petra rocks back on her feet, diffusing some of the tension. "There's all kinds of things I could say, like how, by your own admission, you were the one who had to reach out. Or how you were in a unique position to get that help, specifically because of the power you have. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter."

    Petra effortfully turns back around, to continue the trek down the mountain. "You sure bring Rook up often, and use her words, and use her as a comparison, for a conversation that isn't about her. But I'm getting used to that. Considering how often it happens."

    A few silent moments pass, trudging down the shaded path, in the last minutes of respite before reaching the populated areas. Almost like an afterthought, Petra murmurs, "Of course I don't deserve it more. She's hurt. Of course I know that."
Ishirou "You're a nasty piece of work," Ishirou says, calmly.  "I'm one of 'her' constructs?" He pauses and speaks evenly, "Yes, because I valued myself so little from a lifetime of being told that having emotions made me defective.  That I was less than human, that I equated my self-worth to being human."

"I bore that part out for you, and you used it to take a stab at Phony of all people," he says, and continues.  "Yes I do mention her a lot, it's hard to not mention someone you consider a sister.  Someone that has had a lot to do with the shaping of your development.  Sorry, that offends you for some reason, but that's what I am."

"Yeah, and I was lucky.  I was lucky I had people who could work with me, to rebuild me from the ground up.  It's why I am trying to do anything and everything to turn that back around to provide for others."

"I'm going to ask one last time.  What.  Is. The. Problem?  Why are you going after my sister?  Why do you hate one of my best friends?  What is this all really about?  If you hate them so much, /why are you here/?  If it's to find a way to hurt them, then..." a pause...

"Then I'll show you the door myself.  If it's not, then I want to listen because of what I said."
Petra Soroka     Petra twists around to look at Ishirou over her shoulder. Her scowl crumbles; her expression is blankly confused, even afraid, with tears pricking at the corners of her eyes immediately. "Hurt them? No, I don't... I'm not...."

    She slows to a stop, seemingly unaware that she does, her feet scraping feebly on the ground. "I'm not their *enemy*. Neither of them. I don't... well... Lilian says I'm supposed to hate her, but...." The buckets slip out of her fingers, and she wraps her around around herself, tucking her hands into her underarms defensively.

    "I can't hate them. Much less *hurt* them! I just, I just need to, or they'll walk all over me, and I, I, I--"

    Petra slowly sinks to the ground, resting on a large rock. She sniffles, then coughs, and opens her mouth to speak, then clenches it shut again. She keeps staring at the ground, trying and failing to suppress her sniffles.

    "G-give me a sec. The, the buckets are heavy."
Ishirou "You really need to be more honest with yourself, I think," Ishirou says, calmly and stops, sitting down with Petra.  "It's clear from what I'm seeing that you're pulling yourself in two different directions...and neither seems like they're something you want."

"Then what do you want?  Lilian says a lot of things, sometimes she even means them.  She's..." he pauses, "Difficult.  I love her a lot, but even I know she's got rough edges.  Her way isn't about softening those edges either.  She feels that she needs to be harsh, both to keep people away that can't understand her and to also prevent people from being hurt around her."

"Phony wants to make the world better.  More kind.  She tries to see the best in everyone and struggles too, in her own way.  She has a dangerous power, one that she has to keep herself in careful control of.  She can't lose sight of her dream, she can't let the world mold her into the same it expects...that it demands."

"I was...being molded into a shape like that.  It was hard to fight against it because being different from it is hard.  It can be lonely too.  You are different, you are separate.  You could want the best, or worst, out of people, and sometimes they just want the worst back...or only the best for themselves."

"... Let's forget about them for a minute.  I think that's muddling the waters.  What do you want?  For yourself.  Let's start with that.  You are upset, that's clear to see.  I won't make fun of you for crying or being upset.  If there was a time for that...well right now is it.  It's why I asked you."

"It's why I'm here, okay?  Just me and you and...well I guess the world around us.  It's...kinda nice here, isn't it?  I think that's what she wanted.  Hazel, I mean.  A place that is safe and nice...and I think that's something we all want too.  Some of us are just better at making it that way...rather because of seemingly limitless compassion, or because they break anything that tries to take it."

"So...what do you want?  How do you want to make your nice and safe place?  How does that translate onto the world around you?"
Petra Soroka     Petra sinks her face into her knees, sagging her whole body in acknowledgement of actually sitting down to relax. Her voice is muffled, weakly filtering through the bomber jacket that seems to swallow her, when she's curled up like this.

    "Ha. Believe me, I already know how dangerous Kore's power is. And the kinds of things she wants." It's not even an attempt at a laugh, she just says 'ha'. "...And I know how lonely it is. Supposedly is."

    "I don't hate her. I get close, but I don't, but I have to be her enemy because the alternative is being *like* her, and I won't do that."

    Petra shakes her head as Ishirou continues, trying to talk over him. "No, no, no, I just said, I know I don't need this, don't indulge me. We agreed. The others need this kind of attention more than I do. You need it, Hazel needs it, L-Lilian needs it. I don't have anything to be upset about."

    Her continual sniffles undercut her protests, but she continues. "I don't. There's no good reason for it. I'm not just saying that. I know it. I've always been like that, I've always known who actually deserves it."
Ishirou Who deserves it more than me..?

Gosh, Ishirou has been there so many times.  In his darkest depths...not realize that it hurt others more than even he could imagine.  For a moment the water buckets were put down, and he directed POD to start filling them one by one while he talked to her.  The flying robot with arms seemed to make a nod before flying off.  

"But you obviously are upset about something.  Something you're unhappy with.  I can't make you say it, or tell me.  We're not...well we just started being friends.  I don't want to put myself where you're not comfortable with me being but..."

"I will listen to you.  It doesn't matter if you're problems are big or small because they're important to you, right?  You don't need to have some big pain in your history, or have years of suffering to have triumphed through..."

"In fact, I'm rather happy for people who get to be here who don't have that.  Suffering...being hurt.  It doesn't make you strong.  It leaves chinks in your armor, you know?  Places where it's weaker.  No matter how much you reforge it, it's always there."

"It doesn't make us better, we make ourselves better," a pause, "It's just...we have to put aside that pain when things come up.  Sometimes it's a lot.  Sometimes it's too much even.  So don't belittle yourself and your problems, and instead talk about them.  If anyone tries to belittle you for your problems, then they're the problem, not you."
Petra Soroka     Petra raises her face to look at Ishirou, her cheeks blotchy, her eyes bloodshot--but strangely focused, grey pupils steady even as they glisten with still-forming tears. "You're really persistent. Why? Even after saying I'm nasty."

    She wipes her face on her sleeve, still curled up around her knees. "You say that it doesn't matter, that it's good to not have a history of suffering. But just now, didn't you bring it up as a tool to get my sympathy? And it's a tool so potent, that denying it makes me horrible.

    "It's, it's not just you. It's not you at all, really, I'm sorry to make it seem like I'm angry at you at all. You're being..." Petra trails off, staring at some indistinct point in the distance. "Kind. It's nice."

    "But everyone does that, you know? Here, or hom--or before, it's like it's some kind of currency that everyone else trades in. If it doesn't make you better, then why is that the way everyone frames their growth? You did it. So why? Everyone worth listening to has a story to tell."

    Petra coughs, and laughs weakly. "Oh no. Here I am, blabbering to the guy with the surveillance drone." She doesn't seem to notice that POD is gone.
Ishirou "Ugh, POD is not a surveillance drone.  Also please treat her with respect and seriousness.  Our senses are connected, and she's as every part of me as my eyes are.  I told you before, I'm not here to spill secrets or anything, I'm here to help."

He does sigh, "It wasn't about sympathy, and I know it can seem like that.  It was...well, I feel what that girl is feeling now.  Misery and company and all that, but relationships aren't /built/ on pain...or if they are they don't go anywhere good.  You shouldn't /want/ to be hurt, or feel the need to be hurt, or think your self-value is based on your suffering...because it's not."

"I suppose it's also true that people sometimes frame their growth off of it.  There are those who grow in spite of it, rather than because of it through Petra.  What I cherish right now, more than anything in the world...is the family I've gotten.  I can't forget the scars and the pain I went through...but being with them makes that pain go away."

"Also, sometimes, it's easy to bring up the pain.  Because we don't want to see others go through it.  It hurts to see someone suffer through something we've gone through.  We want to help them through it, we want to ease their pain...because to a degree we're trying to ease it in ourselves, I think."

"Someone without that pain...I think will help heal it in others better," Ishirou continues.  "I did say you were nasty, but I also feel there is a reason for it.  'Sides, I'm made of stronger stuff, I can take a few verbal punches."

"I can't say a magic word and make it all go away, Petra.  You'll probably struggle a lot more, suffer and hurt some...but as someone who's been in your mindset, I want to help anyone that's been there...so that they don't have to suffer as I did.  You're also going to make lots of mistakes, and every time you have to find the strength to get back up...and not avoid the mistakes, but learn from them.  Grow...and find the strength to say you're sorry."

"Thank you for saying I'm kind, by the way.  Despite everything, I guess I'm still easily flattered," he says with a chuckle.
Petra Soroka     Petra hums in acknowledgement. "Mmmm. Yeah, you've said that before, sorry. Her words just stick." No need to mention who that's referring to. Petra raises her head and looks around, as if noticing her surroundings for the first time. "Where is it, uh, she, actually? Wasn't, she, just around?"

    Petra turns her head, squishing her cheek into her knee to look at Ishirou. "Actually, could I ask something about her? POD? She's a part of you, but isn't she... a robot part? Didn't you wish to be human? Does that make her feel... I don't know, wrong, or vestigial? Having that still connected to you."

    Petra's eyes have cleared up, and she speaks more clearly now, without sobbing. Mucus still crackles in her throat when she continues, and she cut off, coughs and ducks her head in embarrassment. "So--so relationships aren't built off pain, sure. But they're still built off mutual understanding. The empathy that someone develops, or having a shared connection with someone in a similar situation. It's all just ways of reaching out. No matter how you frame it."

    Petra stretches out one of her arms, elbow popping as it unravels from around her knees. She runs her freed hand through her hair and frowns, noticing how sweaty it is. "...So it all comes back to suffering more, then, doesn't it?"

    She untangles each limb, one at a time; she stretches her other arm, then a leg, then the other, her core, her neck, as if she's delaying the end to this moment. "Suffer to grow. Suffer to empathize. Make mistakes, and suffer to learn. Pain, and suffering, inevitable barriers to surmount, because they're a core feature of a human's life, right? They're just part of being human, so without them, you're not."
Ishirou "After I became flesh and blood, a wise kind said to me I should worry less about being human, and instead find what I wanted to be.  Well, he also said some other things...and honestly said king is kind of an asshole, but he does sometimes deliver some good things.  At the time I don't think I could internalize what he said very well...it took some time and realized..."

"What I wished for wasn't to be human, was to be a person.  It doesn't matter what I am made of.  It's as much me..." he holds a hand over his heart, "As I am made of.  Human isn't exactly what I wanted, I think.  Then again, being of both worlds isn't so bad either.  I feel...like me.  That's what I wanted, and that's what I got."

"It isn't wrong to be human, it isn't wrong to be an android...what is wrong is to be kept from being what you want to be, whatever form that takes," Ishirou says.  "As for POD, she's off getting the water while we chatted.  She has my capacity for moving things with electromagnetic force, so it's no big deal."

"You are right, mutual understanding, empathy...but you can't focus on the pain so much.  You don't need to suffer to understand another's pain and to want to ease it.  Suffering causes more harm than you realize, and by the time you realize it, the scars are there.  Unlike real scars, they're not cool to look at."

"Making mistakes and growing to go hand in hand, but not necessarily suffering.  Pain, maybe.  Put your hand on a hot pot and you sure won't touch it again, but that in and of itself isn't suffering.  It's not a core feature of a human's life.  To grow...to live, to change, and to want to spare others that walk after you the same pain...that's more human to me."

"It's also apologizing with your heart when you mess up, and learning from mistakes," she pauses, "Don't be embarrassed about who or what you are...if you want to be a hero or an elite or whatever...just realize that there are going to be others that want to stop you.  Trying to spare you the suffering they did, or because they're jealous of you."

He places a hand on her shoulder, "Besides, better memories are made with happiness and kindness, right?  As for...them I can't tell you how to feel about either one.  I have my view on them, and I'd love for others to share it...but I can't change other's hearts just like that, and besides...that's for them to do and not me."

"I guess that goes with anyone, right?"
Petra Soroka     Petra pushes herself up off the ground, brushing off her overalls. "Not human, but a person, huh? To some people there's a huge difference between the two. Some people don't distinguish at all." She smiles bitterly, "I've never really had a head for it either way. Stringing metaphysical words together like that. It's beyond me, despite everything."

    Petra sighs, breathing the mountain air deeply. "Good memories are made with happiness, sure. I have plenty of good memories. None that stick out to me, though, none that feel important to who I am. The memories barely even register people's faces, but they're still good memories."

    Petra pushes her hands in her jacket pockets, turning towards the path and twisting her foot in the dirt, as if anxious to go. "Great memories. Are earned, though."

    She sighs again, heavily, like the last few minutes have been deeply taxing. "I'll be more patient with Hazel, when we get back. Rook too. I'll apologize to both, if I need to. I'm not here to hurt anyone. Thanks for helping me sort that out, Ishirou. And for... the rest. I do trust that you're not going to tell anyone."

    Petra ducks her head, unable to look at Ishirou directly. "So, uh. Should we help POD out? She probably can't carry all those buckets when they're full, right?"