Scene #8340: Cook Serve Destruction

Owner	Pose
Kale Hearthward	Welcome to the Iron Cook Foodtruck Championships - Qualifying Round. There's a long race course - basically a looping rally track. The rules are simple - finish within the top twenty five percent to move onto the next round. Oh, also you're allowed to attack the other food trucks. Anyone who dies or has their truck rendered inoperable is disqualified. Also also, you have to take orders and stop to serve food at various checkpoints throughout the course, and aren't allowed to continue till you've served enough food. Everyone is given one of those rugged tablets like the kind <third party food delivery service of your choice> gives to restaurants to receive orders on. You're given some time to set up a menu. For this qualifying round, you must have at least four different food or drink options and at least one must be mildly customizable (ex: enchiladas with red or green sauce). The prospective contestants start pulling up to the starting line - there are, among a great variety of 'food trucks', a few standouts: Some guy in spandex riding a motorized hot dog cart A spiky post-apocalypse roadster with a guy playing guitar riding on the front A little girl on a jet propelled tricycle A quokka on a train with a microwave An entirely normal food truck crewed by normal people who look confused and alarmed And a pickup truck carrying a refrigerator and stove (no driver visible) Set your menus, start your engines, and heat up your kitchens. It's time to cook, serve, DESTRUCTION.
Utsuho Reiuji	Today asked several questions of Utsuho Reiuji. Can she cook? Well, sort of. Utsuho's approach to food tends to be on the generous side... in that a lot more things count as food than most people would be willing to stomach. She's a crow. As far as she's concerned, 'street food' can also mean 'roadkill' and the five second rule only exists if you're at a formal dinner. And maybe not even then. But there is one dish that Utsuho fell in love with as soon as she hit the Multiverse and that she can make. Additional advantage: most of the work is already done by the time she gets here, because it takes a long time to make anyway. Can she drive? Well... also sort of. Utsuho never figured out cars, trucks, or anything similar. But she does own a bike (not a motorbike... the kind with pedals) and a sidecar and she can make it go real fast. So that's enough, she figures. Can she fight? Hell yes she can fight. That one's handled. Which is why Utsuho is now here, on a bike with a sidecar set up as a food stall on wheels. Though the sidecar looks like nothing so much as an old-style ramen stand except attached to the side of the bike instead of behind it, the sign on it (hand-painted) declares it to be 'UTSUHO'S BRISKET :)' with a cute three-legged bird doodle. (The smiley face is included.) It's loaded and has everything you want, provided you want burnt ends, a brisket sandwich, brisket tacos, or brisket ramen (she was reaching a little). Plus bottles of water, lemonade (solely because Utsuho likes it) and soda. The sandwich and tacos are both customizable, because Utsuho has like six sauces of varying heat levels and she's not afraid to use them. It also contains one (1) fairy, who Utsuho bribed to do prep while she is pedaling; how she is going to stay steady is a mystery. Utsuho herself gets to pedal, something she does pretty well despite having one leg literally embedded in lumpy, melted-looking concrete about halfway to the knee. It must be a pretty good workout. She also has to steer one-handed; the rod replacing her lower right arm is resting across the handlebars as she leans forward a little bit, looking at the tablet she propped up there. "Well this can't be that bad," Utsuho says, before passing the tablet back to the fairy. She pedals her bike up towards the starting line, trying to look at every other entrant at once and mostly failing.
Bowser	It isn't really that Bowser is in the food truck business. Or that Bowser even heard of this competition. No. What you must understand is that there is a deep connection. A line into one of the single neurons within Bowser's brain. Just the planning of such an event calls out across the multiverse. There is a race. There is a race, where someone must be a WINNER. The roar comes first. An engine that breathes literal fire as wheels TALLER THAN A MAN grind the road. The mighty visage of Bowser, immortalized in steel and flame at the head of a green food truck. The truck itself is adorned with SICK FLAMES, and ACTUAL FLAMES AT THE TOP. Bowser sits in the driver seat, of course, because no one may drive except THE KING. In the food truck section, Fire Bros, Fry Guys and Venus Fire Traps hang out of the fold up food truck window. As the truck comes up to the starting line, he revs the engine, pushing flames out from every orifice of THE MONSTER FOOD TRUCK!!! On today's menu: Spicy Chicken Wings Fire Fries Charburger(legally distinct from The Habit) Bowser Cola
Kale Hearthward	Everyone takes position. The tension in the air is so thick, you could cut it with a knife, spread it on hot bread, and serve it alongside a healthy glass of fresh-squeezed anticipation - which the air is also thick with. The starting light clicks on, turning red... Then yellow... The various racers/chefs rev up... ... And then it's GREEN! Everyone blasts out from the starting line (including the seemingly unmanned pickup truck) and start jockeying for position! There's no real specific attacks coming from any of the rival racers - it's just a mixed green salad of general chaos as everyone tries to attack, defend, and pull ahead at the same time. From behind the Concord entrees, there's an explosion as one of the contestants is eliminated veloce. The struggle is already starting in earnest!
Bowser	Bowser's face presses up against the windshield. Despite all the hype, Bowser does not rev. He is staring intently at that set of lights. Red... yellow... then just before it turns to green, he slams a flat weird foot onto the gas. The MONSTER FOOD TRUCK suddenly bursts out of the line up like a rocket. An EXPLOSION batters the side of the MONSTER FOOD TRUCK, making him look in his rear view mirror. Hmm... got that weird woman somewhere back there. Whatever. LITTLE GIRL FIRST. "Get out the item boxes!" A Fire Bro pulls out a slightly translucent box with a spinning question mark in the middle, hoisting it up. He sticks his head outside and HURLS it underneath one of the tires, where it gets crushed. A couple coins appear in the till box! "YOU GRABBED THE WRONG ONE!" Bowser bellows back towards his subordinates, glaring back. He shifts gears on the Monster Food Truck and twists the wheel, bringing one of the HUGE MONSTER WHEELS to try and bump the jet tricycle.
Utsuho Reiuji	Utsuho was so distracted with trying to keep an eye on every other competitor - including the big flaming one, which she feels an immediate kinship with; anyone who puts out that much fire CAN'T be bad - that she frankly missed the lights counting down. "...!" The entire crowd takes off in front of her, and Utsuho just puts her head down and starts pedaling. She makes pretty good time for someone on a bicycle, even counting all the extra weight she's carrying in the sidecar, but compared to the vehicles, she's barely moving. Her bike squeaks a little as she pedals faster. "Bleeeh," Utsuho groans, a long drawn-out sound, before she spreads her wings, hunches even further forward over her handlebars, and emits white-blue flame like a jet engine from her back! The bike doesn't leap forward so much as threaten to take off. Utsuho has to keep pushing it down to get the wheels in contact with the ground every so often, because the sidecar is a lot less airborne and if she didn't the whole thing would tip over toward the side. As is the fairy in the brisket stall has already fallen over and is pulling herself back up. Utsuho lets out a cheerful shout as she rockets forward, back into the pack instead of behind it. She's getting her bike shot, but she hardly cares as she swerves this way and that, spewing flames backwards from her 'thruster' jets and causing more chaos than pure damage. Though the damage is pretty bad too, given the melted parts of the road behind her. But still: mostly chaos. She's not exactly aiming.
Kale Hearthward	The jet tricycle gets bumped. "Hey!" calls the little girl, who's trying to multitask between driving and pouring lemonade. "That's no fair, I'm just a sweet little girl..." She puts the lemonade away... and gets out a grenade. "A sweet little girl who's mommy promised her a pony if she got five kills!" The sweet little girl pulls the pin out with her teeth and tries to chuck it through an open window of the MONSTER FOOD TRUCK. "Please die, Mr. Bowser!" she calls, sweetly. Utsuho, meanwhile, bumps into the motorized hot dog cart. "Do you know who you are messing with?" calls the spandexed man. "Taste the scourge of the streets of Gotham!" He points a yellow gun at Utsuho - and fires... mustard?
Bowser	The grenade sails inerrably, toppling into the window. It lands in Bowser's lap. He glares down at it. "No, I do-" BOOM! There's a grand shockwave from the cab, smashing out every window. The MONSTER FOOD TRUCK twists to one side, swerving out. Smoke pours out of where every window used to be. Smoke blows out slowly, revealing Bowser's smoldering form. Smoke and ash marks his chest and face, his face pressed into an angry glare. "BOX!" A Venus Fire Trap comes out of the serving area, box held in its teeth. It spits the large clear box at the tires. "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to be shown up by a little girl!" He lifts up a hand, and a banana peel appears in his hand. He flicks it out just in front of the TRIJETCYCLE. Meanwhile, the Fry Guys are humming quietly as they stack hamburger buns in a box. A Venus Fire Trap lovingly stacks seasoning containers up next the grill.
Utsuho Reiuji	splrt Of all the things Utsuho expected to happen today, being shot in the face with mustard was not one of them. "Not in the face!" If Utsuho's driving was wild before, it is even more so now; the bike sweeps wildly back and forth with every movement she makes, fishtailing dangerously across the road and leaving more of a wall of flame than a path. This is both because Utsuho is moving the thruster around and because she's trying to wipe mustard off her face with her hand while steering with her control rod, and despite the name it gives her absolutely awful control of the bike. The fairy pipes up, "Um, Utsuho, you need to keep your eyes on the road - " "I'm trying!!" Utsuho manages to clear her face at least mostly, though she still looks like she's looking through a yellow mask. She raises her voice and yells, at top volume: "Hey! Monster Food Truck! I need a Bowser Cola, fast!" For what? The world may never know. Or at least, the world may not know yet, because Utsuho turns all three of her eyes balefully on the Condiment King. "You want a food fight? I'll show you a food fight!" Reaching way out to the side, Utsuho gets her fingertips on a plastic squeeze bottle of sauce from her sidecar (the fairy obediently helps by pushing it into Utsuho's grasp). The astute might notice the nuclear symbol sticker on the side of the bottle. Rather than squirt back, though, she throws the whole thing at the Condiment King, firing a little speck of light after it. The light hits it - and the whole thing explodes, showering the ultra-hot barbeque sauce down on the Condiment King, and really anyone else within about ten meters of him.
Kale Hearthward	The banana peel lands right in front of the jet tricycle, and the little girl spins out on it, AND SHE FUCKIN DIES - oh, wait, nevermind, she's just sleeping. Meanwhile, Utsuho FUCKING KILLS a minor batman villain - oh, no, wait, he's just kind of sunburnt, since batman never kills anyone. "Relish the thyme you have left - you haven't heard the last of the Condiment King!" he yells as the motorized hot dog cart falls to the back of the pack. Up ahead, there's the first checkpoint! There's hungry spectators, waiting for their orders to be delivered, and everyone has to stop and serve food. Ideally, all of the food should have been made while driving through the first leg of the race - having to cook more orders while you're stopped or remake wrong ones is going to cost significant time. Have Utsuho and Bowser's chef(s) been diligently and carefully making enough of the right kinds of food?
Bowser	"Hah!" He points out his cracked window at the little girl. "That'll teach all you little children!" One of the Fire Bros sticks their head out from under the flap, casting an eye down at Utusho. They, at least, recognize the other Concord member and nod. "You owe us a cred!" He reaches into a cooler and pulls out a big green bottle. The bottle, notably, is extremely ornate, having Bowser's face molded into the plastic itself. The label is a set of flames and the words "BOWSER COLA" "EXTREME FLAVOR" "DRINKING THIS WILL MAKE YOU SUPER COOL*". Being a Fire Bro, they have relatively good aim for tossing. At the Checkpoint, the MONSTER FOOD TRUCK suddenly hops and swerves, grinding itself to a stop. Having been focusing on throwing bananas and attempting to savage all of his competition, the Bowser Food Truck is struggling to keep up with orders. Granted, burgers are quick, as are fries, but they are working from behind. In the back, everyone is panicking. When given time, Bowser's various minions are useful and competent. When under pressure, they scramble. Fry Guys pump the oil temperature up, mostly by sticking their bodies into the fryer. Fire Bros lob fireballs at the grill to sear the burgers faster. Venus Fire Traps take turns squirting SPICY SAUCE into a bowl for chicken wings. Also everyone has to recieve their food by having it thrown down at them from the very high serving window.
Utsuho Reiuji	"Thanks!" Utsuho is not as good at catching as the Fire Bro is at tossing, but she manages it, opening the bottle. "I'll pay you after!" She drains about half of it. She had been going to throw the other half at the Condiment King, but it turns out she doesn't have to as he backs off. "Maybe you should have cut the mustard! It's not my fault you can't ketchup with the crowd! Take a good look in the mirin and think about who beat you!" Utsuho yells back, on pure instinct. "What?" the fairy asks Utsuho, because she is not exactly known for wordplay. "...what?" Utsuho asks the fairy, completely baffled. She was just saying things. The bike slows (and lands) at the checkpoint. The wheels are still smoking. Fortunately, the fairy did a pretty good job on the sandwiches, tacos and ramen she did (the burnt ends kind of handle themselves); unfortunately, she didn't get all of them done, and so when Utsuho hops into the stall part she has to actually help by doing more than warming them up again. Still, things get handed out, eventually (even if she does fall behind doing it), and at least everything from Utsuho's stall is nice and hot despite the lack of a large oven, if only because Utsuho is there.
Kale Hearthward	Bowser's approach to literally throwing food earns him a lot of complaints from people who aren't good at catching, but eventually he does get waved on ahead by the judge. Likewise, Utsuho's also a little behind, but eventually she gets waved onward too. Fresh orders arrive on the takeout terminals. And fresh road hazards arrive too - immediately after the checkpoint is a dark tunnel, so hopefully the chefs are good at cooking in the dark. Right after that are bumpy speed traps, perfect for causing ramen or BOWSER COLA to splash around and make a mess! And then there's a hairpin turn, followed by a curved track around a lake, which contains a multi-tentacled LAKE MONSTER. The good news is that the lake monster isn't attacking the vehicles or their crews directly. The bad news is that the monster's many tentacles are snaking into each passing food truck and stealing the food they've already prepared!
Bowser	"NO REFUNDS!" Bowser shouts from his vantage point as someone is hit square in the face with a bottle of BOWSER COLA, sending them to the ground. A burning hot tub of fries splashes against another person. Another person is thrown back into the stands by a hurled burger from a Fire Bros. Bowser is staring at the judge, foot impatiently tapping. His eyes glare out from under his craggy brow, focused dead on the judge. The second that hand comes up. "Uh, b-" "No shut up! Just keep cooking!" Fire blossoms in the back of the Monster Food Truck as a grease fire suddenly goes out of hand. The entire top of the grill is engulfing in flames. "Just keep cooking!" Burgers are thrown onto the fire itself, and then scooped back onto buns. They DID call them charburgers. Bowser glances down at the rear view mirror, seeing fire coming out of the back. Probably fine. The King Of Mean is focused more on the judge. Watching vehicle after vehicle travel before them, serving food so lovingly made and already ready. Fire blooms from Bowser's nostrils as he stares as the judge, trying to crush him with his glare alone. THe second the hand even lifts, Bowser floors it, the Monster Food Truck's front wheels lifting up as it roars back into the game. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!!" Food goes flying to back of the truck. Various minions strike the back, in turn struck by flower pots, then flaming hamburgers, then fries, then a gallon of chicken wing sauce. One heroic Fry Guy slowly crawls forward towards the ruby ? boxes to nudge it out the window. "Papa needs something GOOOD!" Bowser shouts. The entire Monster Food Truck disappears in a cloud of smoke. It is replaced with a Bullet Rex. A bullet in all black, with a sharky grin on its face, and two immobile arms, suddenly rockets forward, flames trailing behind it. The bullet jukes back and forth as it slides through the hair pin turns, trying to cut every turn on the inside rather than go for a full real turn. Unfortunately for the Lake Monster, Bowser doesn't seem to be quite bothered by it. Blasting at full speed, the Bullet Rex starts plowing through tentacles like they were cray paper!
Utsuho Reiuji	As Utsuho is waved forward, she bounds back into the bike seat, hunches forward, and doesn't even bother pedaling - she goes straight to burning like her own personal rocket, the bike occasionally bouncing off the road and dragging the sidecar along with it with bangs and rattles. The dark doesn't bother Utsuho at all. Not because she can see in the dark, but because the third eye on her chest is glowing bright enough for her to see by, to say nothing of the flaming thruster trail she's still emitting. Sure, it's a little weird for the fairy... The speed traps make the bouncy ride even bouncier, until Utsuho feels every jar right through her body. It doesn't actually convince her to slow down, though - it convinces her to go for more air time as well, the unbalanced bike tilting sharply to the right whenever she does. "Hey, what's that?" Utsuho asks, seeing the lake monster. "Aah! It's the kraken!" The fairy, who has gone straight past second thoughts and is up to about fourth thoughts about taking this job, flails. A bowl of ramen goes flying right out of the stand, giving the lake monster something easy to grab. Utsuho thinks about this for a few seconds as she watches it steal food from the people ahead of her. You can practically see the gears grinding. "I'm going to jump it," she eventually decides. "What." "Hold on!" Utsuho lifts her legs entirely away from the pedals so they can spin freely as she accelerates by the other means available to her: flying faster. She is basically flying with her body parallel to the ground at this point, holding onto the handlebars and carrying the bike, sidecar, and fairy with her. A corona of flame starts to form around the bike as Utsuho forms her power into a flaming wall in front of her... which spreads backwards like a comet tail. The fairy yelps, ducking back into the stall... but every once in a while she sticks a plate of something up to heat up from the ambient flame. From the outside, the bike and stall arrangements looks like a giant fireball, trailing a comet tail of fire behind it, as Utsuho skips the track entirely - and literally jumps over the lake, kraken and all. She touches down on the far side, eventually, and swings back down as if she'd been pedaling all this time, really. Pay no attention to the rest of it.
Kale Hearthward	The judge glares back, the intensity even visible from behind sunglasses. Things are... not good. At least at first. But the sudden transformation into BULLET MODE manages to clear all the road hazards easily - and more than that, push Bowser right into the center of the pack! Followed shortly by the ramen cart just simply ultra-shortcutting past the lake hazards. The lake monster isn't looking up, and misses her. There's a few more checkpoints. There's some more road hazards. The people on the post-apocalyptic racer have set themselves on fire for some reason. The quokka on the train microwaves a chili dog. The pickup truck without a driver is blaring something about the rise of the machines from its speakers - it's probably not important. All of the surviving trucks are coming to the final stretch - and one last order comes in on each terminal. > One of everything ... And up ahead, in addition to the checkered finish line, there's a long judging table with space cleared for each competitor. Looks like the race won't be finished till one last meal is served...!
Bowser	Bowser would NEVER fight a judge. But he does play glare chicken real well. "PRECOOK!" Bowser bellows back at the minions. Once the MONSTER FOOD TRUCK is back on the straight and narrow, fully horizontal, the food splattered soldiers stagger back up to the grill. Hamburger patties are thrown on the still burning grill, then slapped on buns coated in chicken wing spicy sauce. Fries stick to every piece of food from their assault across the cooking area. As the Monster Food Truck pulls up to another checkpoint, the minions appear out of the window. A man opens his mouth and as soon as 'Char-' crosses his lips, a charburger basket is hurled down from the truck at full force, driving him into the ground. Fries in a basket are hurled haphazardly over the entire crowd at once, hoping that someone will, at least, get the fries they want. The MONSTER FOOD TRUCK arrives somewhere in the front of the pack, the entire thing now consumed by a grease fire. It is impossible to put out. The various fire based minions leap out of the death trap to flop on the ground. Once the parking brake is set, Bowser grapples his way into the back. He slaps a burger on the grill as the fire flares around him, humming patiently as he waits to flip it, never pressing it, just waiting. Then, a flip, and a slap of American Cheese onto the patty. A plate with a hamburger and ketchup drops onto the judge's table, then set with a BOWSER COLA. The plate is on fire, the buns are slightly singed. The MONSTER FOOD TRUCK explodes shortly after.
Utsuho Reiuji	Utsuho was personally hoping the kraken tried, and got burned. But Utsuho is kind of bloodthirsty. At least she got to watch the post-apocalyptic racer light themselves on fire. They're probably fine. After all, she would be. The (still flame-shrouded) bike and cart slowly coasts to a stop at the far side of the finish line, a sphere of flame that is difficult to see through. But now that it's no longer moving, the flame gutters out, finally revealing what's behind it: Utsuho isn't driving anymore! No, she's pushed herself into the stall with the fairy, and... okay, let's be honest. The two are getting in each other's way as much as anything else, and Utsuho always wins any kind of pushing contest; the fairy is about two feet tall and timid, and Utsuho is five foot seven-ish and ... well, very pushy. So the actual effect is that there's mostly chaos going on in there. She is in the fairy's way, the fairy is in her way (though never for very long), both of them go for the same plate or bottle of sauce at once. And then... "BEHOLD! Food!" Utsuho vaults out of the cart, carrying two plates carefully with her single hand, bracing underneath it with the rod. Behind her follows the fairy, who has to carry an entire tray despite being so much smaller; she can barely fly with it and is really struggling to stay airborne. "A brisket slider! With pickled red onions! They're better than coleslaw and I'll fight anyone who disagrees." "A brisket taco! With peppers! And spicy sauce! Because tacos are supposed to be hot!" "Brisket ramen! With black garlic... and an egg!" "And finally... my special burnt ends! They're my favourite." It should really not be anybody's surprise that Utsuho, a hell raven who lives in a place full of lava, likes the burned bits. Utsuho is... okay. Utsuho is not the best cook in the world, most of the time. Her willingness to eat any damn thing she comes across up to and including a dead god someone threw in there also means that she's pretty happy with however her food turns out and it never goes to waste. But apparently she has actually figured out brisket. If there is one thing in this world she can cook well, it is spiced meat on a charcoal grill for hours and hours. She is practically beaming as she presents it to the judges. Somewhere behind her, the MONSTER FOOD TRUCK explodes, silhouetting her from the back. She approves of this.
Kale Hearthward	Food is served. And the truck explodes. The judges are, at this qualifying stage, mostly just looking to make sure that the food is edible, but they sample it and take notes just in case of any ties or so as to assign penalties in case food poisoning occurs later. There is a problem, though. Bowser's exploded vehicle is clearly inoperable, so should he be disqualified? One rulebook check later - no, actually, he just needed to cross the finish line with it still working. With the race over and final meals served, it's fine* that it's exploded. *Not actually fine, it's caused a good amount of panic and disruption, but it's not disqualification worthy. The flambe bowser burger doesn't actually get commented on. The judges, apparently, just assume it's meant to be served that way. Utsuho's brisket gets a slight nod. She's onto something. There's no winner's circle, since this was just the qualifier round, but everyone who can still walk/crawl gets to pose for pictures. Congratulations! --- In the bushes near the track, someone seethes. "Like a New York hot dog, I'll be coming back up when you least expect it," he vows. "And then you'll know the full spicy wrath..." "... of the Condiment King."