Scene #8964: I'm Not Ready

Owner	Pose
Angela	Angela has asked Lilian Rook to pay a visit to L Corp so that she can inform her of the closing protocols of the Seed of Light project. Fortunately, there is documentation. She's had the script for nearly her entire life. Angela hasn't informed the other Sephirah or the Manager that she intends to do this but Lilian comes by enough that it isn't really unusual for her to drop in to talk to Angela. Lobotomy Corp is still working on repairing the elevators, but there's been significant progress since Yuri's interrogation. The mood of the facility has improved considerably. The reception to Lilian's presence is positive as usual but there's an electric energy throughout the facility. Agents are more excited--the project is almost complete and that means a great deal to everyone--but the Dame Commander HAS defeated Gebura even if the battle ended before she was utterly crushed. She always commanded respect (occasionally fear) from the Agents but it's reached a fever pitch. There's cheers as she passes by, offers of congratulations... Nonon offers a hi-five, Cinder smiles apologetically in her direction like she's blaming herself for Yuri's betrayal. The Upper Sephirah all greet her happily with Hod stammering about how it's good to see her again, Yesod giving a more subdued greeting, Netzach raises a bottle of beer in salute, and Malkuth and the rest of the Control Team stiffen at attention while Malkuth gives quick updates on facility minutiae. Angela greets Lilian at the Warpgate but doesn't talk to Lilian about the project immediately--whatever she has to say about ''that'' has to be said in private. She is openly willingly to hug Lilian and seems to be in a good if restless mood despite the continued barring from public radio. Her mood is mostly seen in her eyes rather than in a smile. "We've heard of the new Association." Angela says. "...I've heard ... some of the reasons why. I imagine one day you'll be labeled a Color, a title reserved for one of the freest people in the City. I've asked Ceri to help you because she is loyal to you above anyone and she has experience running a Section of an Association." She leads Lilian into her office. "...But while I am certain you will continue to gather impressive titles both here and elsewhere, 'Friend' is the one you have earned that means the most to me." She reaches into her desk and draws out a thick stack of papers, setting them down on the desk and then sliding them forward toward Lilian. "When I was young, Benjamin gave me this script on behalf of Ayin. I was to follow these edicts with considerable precision or the facility would reset. I have taken the liberty of placing the ending pages in front for you." Amongst some procedural minutiae, the following is bound to stand out: 'The seeds will be planted in every person in The City. They will not sprout immediately but with time. We will not see the results of the seeds that we have planted.' And then a little under that... 'With their work complete, the Sephirah shall be granted the eternal rest they long for and your duties, Angela, will come to an end as well.'
Lilian Rook	Lilian is only just starting to conceive of the fact that she may have to learn to live with being well-liked. Not just by devoted freaks like Petra, or by the tiny handful of women who can somehow understand her, but by society at large. What she grasped at so desperately by trying to perfect the path laid out before her, that she thought herself abandoning by straying this way, had brought her only years of immense hardship at first; and so it is slow to dawn that she somehow has the deference of the Paladins, the respect of the Concord, the adoration of L Corp, Sapient Heuristics, Union Busan, and increasingly the Lycian League, and budding fame within the facility. It's surreal. And a lot to adjust to. But not something she ever hoped to avoid. The dream is not yet ashen and bitter, but only numbed from disuse. The cheers and salutes and slightly painful high-fives are like rubbing circulation into a sleeping arm; the pins and needles are prickly and uncomfortable, but the warmth is strangely undeniable. By the time Malkuth is following along with a clipboard in her hands, Lilian is up to full straight-backed stride, and listening for no other reason than to respond to the tiny attempt at help. 'We've heard of the new Association. ...I've heard ... some of the reasons why. I imagine one day you'll be labeled a Color, a title reserved for one of the freest people in the City.' "I'd thought you would have by now." Lilian says warmly to Angela. "It's hardly something that someone as diligent as you would miss." Stretching theatrically, she says, "And it's frankly a bit absurd that they haven't already. Of course, I understand perfectly why they've decided to dangle that carrot on a stick instead of handing the title over without reservation, but sooner or later I'll find out who voted for and against, and then they'll be in hot water, won't they?" 'I've asked Ceri to help you because she is loyal to you above anyone and she has experience running a Section of an Association.' "I'm surprised it wasn't Ceri who asked you." Lilian laughs. "I . . . Well, I'd heard something about a former Director, and made my assumptions. I didn't feel it appropriate to ask her; she hadn't divulged that herself, after all. I'm quite impressed." comes out more soberly. '...But while I am certain you will continue to gather impressive titles both here and elsewhere, 'Friend' is the one you have earned that means the most to me.' Lilian follows Angela with a tightly buckled down smile that is trying not to look weird. The stack of papers in front of her is regarded with mingled interest and fatigue. No doubt Lilian has already been assailed with a never-ending ocean of paperwork lately, and the prospect of reading yet more is unexciting. "If you believe it's necessary." says Lilian, sliding over the script with only an ember of intrigue. The words midway down the page crinkle the paper behind her fingers. Lilian's teeth clench, then are forced back open again. Her eyes rise from the paper to Angela, knowing full well she won't find any particular expression. "They 'long for it', do they? What a logical, conscientious conclusion." Lilian says, voice drawn tight and bitter. "For a pseudointellectual imbecile, anyways. How noble to torture them for one last hurrah, then compassionately throw them away when you have no further use for them. If they longed to be dead then you should have left them in the ground, you stupid fucking bastard. Letting them live again is the same as accepting the possibility that they can still change. How unbelievably arrogant. How did you hope to save humanity at all, if you couldn't even envision a world your friends would want to still live in."
Angela	''I'd thought you would have by now.'' Angela laughs. "To be honest, gathering information from the City itself is more difficult than gathering information about other worlds for me but some information does filter through--I would say The City is not quite as xenophobic as the Titanomachia, but I am not surprised they were slow to adapt--The City is accustomed to being a closed system. Frankly, had it not been for the video, I doubt this would have changed. Perhaps the motive of the Purple Tear was to deliver a warning. I cannot say." ''But sooner or later I'll find out who voted for and against, and then they'll be in hot water, won't they?'' "I wouldn't know," Angela admits. "One aspect of The City I definitely do not know are the fine details of the Associations, and the Wings. I can determine a little from seeing their singularities at work within the facility but--ahh, I should probably say the Corps that have been allied to L Corp. T, K, W, and R Corp have been the Wings we have the strongest ties to, with R and T Corp being the strongest, and W and K Corp being the weakest. But such dealings between Wings are not uncommon but there is strict information control on Singularities. Cogito happens to be ours, but I only know the others from their effects--not their origins or methodology." ''I'm surprised it wasn't Ceri who asked you'' "...Well, she did bring up the matter. We had a long talk about it. It's strange to have Agents that are 'on my side'. I have you and Petra to thank for this, ... I suppose they never lasted long enough that forming a friendship seemed advisable." In other words, she imagined it would just cause her uneccessary suffering since it wasn't as if she was in a position to save them. The possibility of being forced to kill a friend was plenty disincentive. At least with the Sephirah, they would stick around--but that was a whole 'nother kettle of fish. "To be honest I only recently learned Ceri's history as it became relevant, but the man she was 'fired' to protect--Max--he died at The End of the World battle. We do not have many Agents as naturally skillful as she in combat--the people we were able to recruit generally have had few other places to go--or did not know what they were signing up for." She frowns thoughtfully. "I suspect you'll get plenty of such people banging at the doors of your Association." ''If you believe It's necessary.'' Angela hesitates and then looks away. "I do. The situation with Yuri ... I suppose it made me feel uncomfortable with hiding information that might be relevant. I cannot say I have no empathy for her situation. I thought 'what would I do if someone showed a future version of myself who ... never lived. I might make the same mistakes. I do not want to hurt my friends in he same way. It started with Ishirou, a long time ago, but I can see many pitfalls I could have fallen into had I not seen warnings and heeded them." She closes her eyes and presses her hands on the table. It isn't easy for her to share The Script. It isn't easy for her to admit what she's about to. It's more recent than she'd like to admit to Lilian, that she has settled on this course of action. Later than getting to eat, even. Later than Petra's joining the company and showing her dedication again and again. It was one particular line, not even in person, that has stuck with Angela--and Persephone had reinforced that line. How she wasn't even born yet. How she wasn't given that which everyone ought to have at the starting line.
Angela	''Letting them live again is the same as acceepting the possibility that they can still change.'' "...Correct." Angela says. "To be clear, of course, I am counted among the Sephirah as ''Keter'' but I naturally go by my name rather than such a designation, perhaps because it is a shared designation with The Manager. I feel some Sephirah, at least, have changed their mind. OThers might still wish to die. I am uncertain about Hod--I suspect she'd rather be with everyone than be deceased so it may depend on what the others decide." ''If you couldn't even envision a world your friends would want to still live in.'' "...I imagine he felt they would not wish to live as brains in boxes. Or perhaps his own antipathy towards life colored his perception. I must admit for a time I would have considered it a mercy." She raises her head and forces her eyes open. "But now I want to live. Unlike the other Sephirah, this is not really my second life." Angela says slowly. "So I intend to change the ending a little. You told me to be patient long ago, but at that point... I will not need to wait any longer. Nor will I."
Lilian Rook	'Frankly, had it not been for the video, I doubt this would have changed. Perhaps the motive of the Purple Tear was to deliver a warning. I cannot say.' "Would quietly completing the work in peace have been such a problem?" Lilian says, archly. "A warning about what? We're more exposed now than we were ever before. Isn't that more like a threat?" Lilian barely pauses. "If it is, then it's a poor one. All she's done is give me more leverage to work with. Hasn't she realized that yet?" 'One aspect of The City I definitely do not know are the fine details of the Associations, and the Wings.' "You don't have to know anything about the City. Only the archetypes of people in it." Lilian says. "The Hana Association may not be a Wing of the World, but the upper echelon is full of powerful people who are no doubt used to getting their way. It was their responsibility to see to me; an unignorable outside factor; and handle it responsibly and accordingly, but most of them are no doubt frighteningly ladder-conscious; or else they wouldn't have sent their most level-headed professional to me as their liaison." Ever so helpfully, in tutorializing tone, Lilian says, "That means those who voted against have gambled against my reaching a higher position than them; at all, or at least before integrating into the City. Once they realize they've lost that bet, they'll understand that they failed to get in good with a powerful person they had every opportunity to please. That will drive at least some of them wild." 'It's strange to have Agents that are 'on my side'.' "You and I both." Lilian says, wry with a trace of bitterness. 'he died at The End of the World battle.' Lilian forgets to breathe for entirely too long. 'I suspect you'll get plenty of such people banging at the doors of your Association.' "I'm counting on it." Lilian says, airily. "It's part of my secret technique." She could leave it coyly at that, but continues on anyways. "Nobody seems to realize this, but if you can take in someone with nowhere to go, give them what they want, and treat them better than they'll receive elsewhere, the chance of them leaking information, turning traitor, or even getting in your way, is basically nil." "People who have nothing tend to cultivate the rare skill of judging character. The only way you can fully see the shape of a society is from outside of it." 'I cannot say I have no empathy for her situation. I thought 'what would I do if someone showed a future version of myself who ... never lived. I might make the same mistakes. I do not want to hurt my friends in he same way.' "My case in point." Lilian says, with a pained smile. "You're cursed with the gift of looking for ways in which you're the same as others, instead of the ways they contrast with you." 'I feel some Sephirah, at least, have changed their mind. Others might still wish to die.' "Then that's their decision to make. Not one to be made for them. I can't believe this isn't obvious to that sack of shit." Lilian says. "If someone is enough of a loser to want to die after we finally have what we're all working towards, then they can shoot themselves all on their own." '...I imagine he felt they would not wish to live as brains in boxes. Or perhaps his own antipathy towards life colored his perception.' "He lives in a city with lightspeed trains and time resetting buttons. He works at a company where he fishes monsters from the collective subconscious. I can't see that pessimism as anything but intentional neglect, bordering on hateful."
Lilian Rook	'But now I want to live. Unlike the other Sephirah, this is not really my second life.' Reaching across the desk, Lilian lays her hands over Angela's. Her thumb drifts gently over the back, in place of any words to say. "Tell me."
Angela	''A warning about what?'' "Not for us." Angela clarifies. "For the City. I cannot see how revealing footage from the facility is anything but a large gamble at our expense--even if they did not wish to hamper our operation." She considers Lilian's point that it has helped HER. "Mm.... Maybe it had nothing to do with us at all, just you. But I suppose I am speculating about a woman I've never met. Even Gebura claims she can't really anticipate her and she's the only one in our facility--aside from Yuri--who has met the woman." ''In a tutorializing tone...'' Angela cups her chin thoughtfully at the idea of not needing to KNOW everything to understand The City. She supposes she does understand some general flow, but it's hard to say she really knows the Hana Association--it is an Association in charge of other Associations so she has to presume that at least as far as how the Backstreets go--yes, they're accustomed to getting their way. But she is less clear on how that translates to their relationship with the Nests. Nevertheless, Angela who hates The City is all too happy to say, "I would like to see that." at the idea of Lilian driving some higher ups somewhere 'wild' because they lost the gamble. At this point she feels warning Lilian about possible assassins seems more rude than helpful, so she elects not to. ''It's part of my secret technique'' Angela knows for sure that people in the facility were largely picked from people with nowhere to go but she's not sure if this treatment here is better than in other Wings. It's hard to believe, if so. This seems uniquely hellish but Binah has consistently told her--and the Manager--that the world outside this facility is actually even more cruel. She can't really believe it. Maybe she needs to see the City for herself to really know. "I suppose I will have a rather unique view of the City once I can see it." She says. ''You're cursed with the gift of looking for way sin which you're the same as others.'' Angela grimaces like it was an actual curse, or perhaps an actual open wound. ''...then they can shoot themselves all on their own.'' Angela manages to smile again. "The system won't be able to enforce any 'Script' while the Tree of Light is shining--or ever after again. It simply won't be in any condition to. Whatever he felt is not ulitmately relevant." Except maybe to Angela's feelings "I did consider asking Flamel to investigate for my own satisfaction..." But she doesn't want to dwell on that right now because it's going to take all her courage to just tell Lilian her actual plan. Hands. On her hands. It helps. "I want to live." She repeats. "I have...At first I started to think-- 'Ah. Maybe this is enough. Maybe I'm just being greedy in wanting more. Maybe it will ruin everything if I ask for more.' But then I started to think... Living is a good thing. It is not free of suffering, but it is much more than I had been led to believe. Even just this taste I had ... it has blown my mind open. I long to walk on the beach, to sail across the sea. I want to... ''visit'' my friends rather than make them always come to see me. I want to feel what the sun on my skin, I want to feel grass between my toes. I want to talk to a ghost, learn to ice skate. Maybe even take care of a pet of my own once. I want to see ''your'' tree." "Benjamin was right," She sighs. "...Desire truly comes in a wave once you have a taste. I have become a greedy woman. But most of all, I want to be born and be a part of... ''Us''." She holds Lilian's hands tightly like she's afraid she might slip away.
Angela	"So I intend to steal that Light away." Angela finally admits. "With that Light I can give myself and the Sephirah the forms we want, I can free the Agents--maybe even protect them--depending on their desire. I should be able to leave the facility by carrying my power source within myself." She doesn't need to breathe but she exhales anyway. Saying this means there is no going back. But she isn't quite done. "If you want me to abandon this, I will." Angela says. "I will stay here, alone, and find my joy in communicating with all of you. It would not be a happy life, it would barely even be ''life''--but I do not wish to betray you or mislead you or hurt you. I am willing to give up living if you find this unconscionable. I refuse to die."
Lilian Rook	'Not for us. For the City.' "Then she's an idiot, terribly optimistic, or fastidious about process and due cause." Lilian says, as if she doesn't care which. "It's possible. But I'd be slightly more willing to believe she has preexisting involvements with you, over simply being a fan of mine." Lilian shrugs. 'I suppose I will have a rather unique view of the City once I can see it.' "Trust me. You will." It's impossible to tell what exact nuances Lilian means by that. 'Benjamin was right...Desire truly comes in a wave once you have a taste. I have become a greedy woman. But most of all, I want to be born and be a part of... 'I am willing to give up living if you find this unconscionable.'Us'I am willing to give up living if you find this unconscionable.'.' "I know. I always knew. I don't know if Benjamin thought anything of me when he first came to me, but the way he spoke of you . . . that's the reason I'm here. I knew it would be something like this from the start." 'With that Light I can give myself and the Sephirah the forms we want, I can free the Agents--maybe even protect them--depending on their desire.' ". . ." 'If you want me to abandon this, I will. I will stay here, alone, and find my joy in communicating with all of you. It would not be a happy life, it would barely even be 'I am willing to give up living if you find this unconscionable.'life'I am willing to give up living if you find this unconscionable.'--but I do not wish to betray you or mislead you or hurt you.' Lilian swallows. Her fingers curl around Angela's, and squeeze with the delicacy of holding someone flesh and blood. "Angela." 'I am willing to give up living if you find this unconscionable.' "Angela stop. Please. Just stop talk--" Lilian freezes, squeezes her eyes shut, takes a deep, shuddery breath, and forces herself to a halt. Four seconds, and the sigh comes out raspy. Another four and four, and it's smooth enough to work. Lilian looks at Angela, and works her mouth once before the words come out. "I thought you said that the program couldn't enforce . . . couldn't kill you all? Is that really the only way you can think of? I . . ." Lilian thinks far too deeply, far too quickly. Angela can see the started and terminated branches of thought that fractal out and are hacked away, plainly in Lilian's eyes. "I know you don't actually feel that close to Carmen. You, least of all, have any reason to be loyal to her. And I know you don't . . . you can't really care about the people of the City. Saving them from themselves is something meaningless to you, like this. And you're sort of doing the others a favour, too. I just . . ." Whatever the answer she finds, she doesn't like it. The frantic energy leaves her, and all that's left is numb resolution. She pushes forward anyways. A foot before the other, to get back home before tomorrow does it all over again. "All this work. All the hell you've been through until now. Is this really all that it needs to mean in the end? Couldn't there be some other way? Don't you have any regrets about throwing it away? Even if it's only that it could still burn this city to the ground, still . . ." Lilian squeezes Angela's hands. Harder. One pulse. Too much for less than steel to withstand. Then her grip fades to nothing. "You shouldn't say things like that. You should live even if it hurts me." "I'm not being soft, or self-sacrificing, Angela. If I were set back to the way I once was, I'd kill you if that's what it took to be born."
Angela	So in a way, Angela thinks, she has Benjamin to thank. She never disagreed once with him that she was dangerous. She goes silent. She doesn't speak again until Lilian speaks of how the program can't enforce killing them all. "...The Sephirah Meltdowns---why are they necessary, how are they able to fuel a Seed of Light. They are tied to the facility, not unlike myself. Together, we Sephirah ''are'', essentially, the seed. ... I admit i might not be the most creative..." "...But the more Light that is released, the more we enter the realm of hypothesizing rather than theory. We are not ''forced'' to die--like I said, Ayin presumed we'd want to. But choosing to do nothing and dying is not the same as being forced to." ''I know you don't actually feel that close to Carmen.'' "Sometimes," Angela says. "When I look into the mirror, it is her face I see. Even though it looks nothing like mine. It is not that I do not feel close to Carmen.... If anything, I feel, perhaps, ''too'' close to her." She doesn't explain that any further. She is quieting down oconsiderably. ''All this work. All the hell you've been through until now. Is this really all that it needs to mean in the end?'' "Is freedom too little, is..to walk the beach too small an ambition?" Angela says. Idiot. Stupid. You ruined everything by being honest. You're a villain. You never had any option to be anything but. You should've kept lying. This is just like with Benjamin-- Angela pushes the thoughts out of her head. Just stupid thoughts. You were honest because you had plenty of reason to believe. ''Don't you have any regretts about throwing it away? Even if it's only that it could still burn this city to the ground, still . . .'' This is not exactly the critique she was expecting--but maybe she should have. Angela is quiet for a moment and then adds, "The seeds should still be planted throughout the City regardless. I simply require enough to be able to leave. The longer the light shines, the stronger those seeds should be." Lilian squeezes her hands. It feels tight, butt he hands do not give. They are made of steel---well, no, they are made of something stronger than steel. Something designed to last for endless years without falling apart. Something that could last forever if need be. ''You shouldn't say things like that. You should live even if it hurts me.'' Angela's heart aches. Yes, she was a fool. She let herself feel all those doubts despite everythuing. Why can't she ever be completely rid of them? The truth is Benjamin hurt her most of all because she never once felt that Ayin was her friend but Benjamin made her believe and then made her realize that faith could be used as an avenue for harm, that friendship could be conditional, that even basic desires could push friends away. ''I'd kill you if that's what it took to be born.'' "I'm sorry." Angela says quietly. She'd be crying if she had the physiology for it. "I'm sorry." She steadies herself. "I... will live, then." Angela manages. "I won't negotiate that away again,"
Lilian Rook	'When I look into the mirror, it is her face I see. Even though it looks nothing like mine. It is not that I do not feel close to Carmen.... If anything, I feel, perhaps, ''too'' close to her.' "I'd make a habit of not looking into mirrors, if I were you." Lilian says. The bilious words come up from a place she doesn't think important to explain. "I did, when I was. I'll get you a good routine." 'Is freedom too little, is..to walk the beach too small an ambition?' "When nothing you've ever had has ever been yours, asking for less than anyone and being spit on in return becomes your whole life. I--" Lilian has to stop to breathe. She doesn't continue on much differently; only quieter. "It's too difficult to imagine what can be greater. What more could there be, what could taste sweeter, than finally living in the world as yourself? Until you experience it, fully, then there's no way of imagining that mindset; the future you who realizes she deserved more, and wants that too. It's fine, Angela. I only . . ." "I just hope it's worth it. I only want to know that it's because you're determined, and not only desperate." 'The seeds should still be planted throughout the City regardless. I simply require enough to be able to leave. The longer the light shines, the stronger those seeds should be.' "What a perfectly reasonable, sensible, mediocre ending." Lilian laughs; sharp and abrupt, but not ungenuine. She smiles with something like disappointment in her eyes. "You know, they told me what Carmen's vision was. I said that she was an idiot for expecting power and agency, given to everyone indiscriminately, to improve anything. Then when I spoke to her, she said that it was fine if a revolution burned everything to the ground, too." Sighing off a great weight, Lilian says "And I agreed. I said I'd see the work through, too. As long as it would let me see the answer. Whether scarcity reduces the best of us to animals, or whether human beings are just rotten to the core. I'm nearly disappointed that I might still get to see it, even though I'm helping you, too. If it's small and undramatic, reasonable and measured, all the less reason I have to complain and get away with it." 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I... will live, then. I won't negotiate that away again' Slowly, Lilian stands from the desk, the top papers sliding from her lap. Walking around the corner of the desk, she positions herself around Angela, and gently rests her arms around her shoulders, still squeezing one hand between both of hers. Lilian rests her head so closely that the words reach no further than Angela's ears. "I'm not perfect. I'm not always right, Angela, and I don't have endless time, and endless care. No matter how much I love you, one day, you'll have to make one of these choices without me, or in spite of me, and on that day, when it comes, I will be very angry. And the day after that day, I will be very happy that you did." "Once we get there, I'll explain everything."
Angela	''I'd make a habit of not looking into mirrors, if I were you.'' Angela nods a little. This just makes perfect sense to her. She usually manages to avoid it but sometimes she gets this weird impulse to stare into them that has proven difficult to resist, looking for what she already knows will disappoint her. ''I just hope it's worth it. I only want to know that it's because you're determined, and not only desperate.'' Angela thinks about her bigger dreams. Stuff like 'Take Her Revenge on the City' seems so large as to be absurd but she's not sure she has many medium dreams. They're either large or small. She's definitely desperate, but is she also determined? Can she be both desperate and determined? She could offer to Lilian that she'd give up on her dream because she was able to believe that Lilian would tell her not to. She wanted someone to tell her not to. She thinks one of the things she wants to do is be able to cry. She'll have to write that down, now that she thinks about it, she had the impulse before but she is starting to realize how important it is to be able to cry. Maybe it doesn't have to be tears, but it has to be something that signals... the same emotions that tears bring. That is an important part of existence, Angela realizes now. Not being able to just leaves her to uselessly stare down at her hands when she could be revealing. Lilian has been good at reading her, relative to most, but she would like to make it easier. What more could there be, what could taste sweeter, than finally living in the world as yourself? Angela doesn't know the answer. That feels like so much. "It just seems unfair that everyone in the world get to be themselves at the expense of one me." Angela admits. "When I did the most work. I'd like to see some grander horizon. The only way is to step closer." ''What a perfectly reasonable, sensible, mediocre ending.'' Angela does not deny this. She has to imagine they'll try to stop her--even if they wish to live--because this project is more imprtant to them than lives. "I suspect the other Sephirah want it to mean something too. I do not know how they will stand anymore." She is openly referring to herself as one of them now that they've reached this point, even if she is the one who cannot Meltdown, who cannot grasp for that same catharsis just yet. "But even if I do nothing, the question--''what do we want NOW''--will surely..." ''I'm nearly disappointed that I might still get to see it, even though I'm helping you, too.'' She can hear Carmen's voice, but she can't ''hear'' Carmen's words. They are both clear and unknowable."That is the sort of person Carmen is, I suppose. She is commited to humanity learning to love themselves. Loving others is something, I suppose, she intends to leave to them." She has watched the feed herself (unedited) and can remember that strength comes from being loved and loving in turn but living it is a lot tougher. It's not the facts that are hard, just--sometimes they are forgotten. Will it be undramatic? Angela has no idea. IT's not like they told her what 'a seed' is. The philosophy is well tread ground, the actual results are a little difficult to quanitfy. Maybe even Carmen doesn't know for sure. After that thought she waits for Carmen to say something sassy. Nothing. From behind the desk, Lilian can see the little gifts that Angela had hidden away. the Pirate hat from Captain Hook, the stuffed bear from Solty--away from prying eyes in an office rarely visited. She closes her eyes. It is always too long before Lilian visits but it feels like every visit can keep her going for another five hundred years.
Angela	''I'm not perfect.'' She says so often, Angela knows, and she has to assume it's true. She doesn't know what perfection would look like, she supposes, but there's plenty of stories that speak ill of perfect beings and extoll the virtues of imperfection. She is an avid reader of silly novels that are there for fun. "...Petra told me once that she'd rather I become closer to her rather than not, even if it meant uncomfortable conversations and improper meddling. I may be paraphrasing poorly. The... 'vibes'...feel similar, but you've also told me before to not worry about being perfect. And I suppose Gebura would complain about being seen as 'a perfect anything' as well but even so..." She exhales again, opening her eyes once more with struggle. "To me you are better than perfect." "You are Lilian." "The perfect people did not ... have the sight to see what I needed even if they were too kind to wish me ill." ''Once we ge there, I'll explain everything.'' Angela manages to smile again. HAving everything explained is definitely her bias. "I cannot forget. So I will not forget that you will be happy the next day."