Scene #9087: Luigi's House of Not-Jumpscares

Owner	Pose
Luigi	Dear Friends, Please come to the mansion. I've set up a haunted house. Yours truly, Luigi Mario (Luigi). (There's a map and a ticket attached.) --- It certainly looks haunted, although not literally. There's fog machines running, spotlights and speakers giving the appearance of it being a stormy night, and occasionally generic spooky sounds issuing from various parts of the mansion. The mansion's front door leads into the foyer, in which a ticket booth has been set up. (Luigi's invite included tickets, so there's no cost to you, unless you'd like to make a donation (All proceeds benefit the Sarasaland Widows and Orphans Fund)). The whole thing is being manned by toads. "Tickets please!" The toads, short people with colored mushroom cap hats, speak in slightly shrilly voices. "Once you've gotten your ticket stamped, please proceed through the far door!" "Please remember, no flash photography, no outside food or drink, and please do not make physical contact with the scare actors!" "If you are feeling overwhelmed or need to stop, please raise both hands and keep them raised. A staff member will come escort you out. The house is full of very scary things!" "But no jumpscares!" another Toad pipes up. "Yeah, no jumpscares," agrees the ticket-taking toad. He points up at a sign next to the door. <ABSOLUTELY NO JUMPSCARES ON THE PREMISES> reads the sign.
Bowser	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvslxj23tKg The music always filters in, signaling the arrival of a mixture of evil and toxic masculinity. This time in the form of a ghost. Bedsheet with eyes and snout hole cut, also perfectly falls like a circle at his feet even though bedsheets don't actually do that. Like a person hit with a large pizza dough. As he is trying to make an impression, his stomps quake the ground, just enough to make the screen shake, to make each toad jostle in place, to make the ticket booth rattle. Behind him float his cadre of spooky minions. Boos, Drybones, Eeries. A mere eight or so float and/or putter lazily behind him. Kammy floats behind on her broom. "Please remember, no flash photography, no outside food or drink, and please do not make physical contact with the scare actors!" "Oh no, your scaliness, I'll have to wait out here, I'm so sorry!" Kammy quickly takes out a flask and finds a seat. Bowser waves a hand vaguely before he gets up to the toad and slaps down his ticket, looming over the booth. "Green guy's got a haunted house, huh? I bet it's filled with HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR!" GWA HA HA HA HA!" He waits for his ticket to be punched and then looks around, "Alright where's the start point. Petra's was, you know, psycho mentally scary. This better be good."
Sarracenia	Spooky Season! It's one of Sarra's favorites because...she can dress in cute, non-royal outfits without any backlash! And she has been wanting to at least meet the younger of the Mario brothers. Although he is not required to be here, she supposes. Since it is just a haunted house, she flies herself in the Dyna - a wooden VTOL pretty similar in design to an Osprey. She lands wherever other vehicles are being left and hops out. Those who know her may not recognize her right away, though! She is dressed as a vampire! She is wearing a tight-fitting smooth leather outfit, all black of course, that is reminiscent of a certain vampire heroine from a certain set of movies. She also has a black trenchcoat on to give her the modern-day caped look. Knee-high leather lace-up boots finish the ensemble. Her crown and her metal lotus hair barrette are both still on her head, but her hair...has been temporarily dyed black and she has red contacts in as well as pale makeup on to help complete the look. '<ABSOLUTELY NO JUMPSCARES ON THE PREMISES>' Sarra is familiar with Toads, being from Pipeland herself, but the idea of no jumpscares in a haunted house has her a bit perplexed. "But...how will it be scary if there is no jumpscares?" she asks as she pulls out several large gold coins and deposits them in the donation fund. Of course, scariness of a different variety arrives in the form of Bowser. Sarra's expression immediately goes flat. "First Alucard's and now here..." She looks toward her VTOL, pondering just calling it a day there. "...no, then he wins..." she mutters to herself. She gets her ticket stamped as well. "You went to Petra's haunted house? Was that just herself in the mirror as well?" she says, trying to at least be amicable this time since...well, it is entirely likely that Bowser is the scariest thing here. And he isn't even scary to her.
Bowser	Bowser did bring an extremely large airship that is constantly lit up and breathing short bursts of flame, so Sarra has to park next to that.
Sarracenia	Sarra did not bring her airship because she does not need to gaudily show off like some people around here. Also parked as far away from that monstrosity as she could. Even in just an open grassy area if possible.
Luigi	Bowser's arrival gets some consternation from the toad populace, but he does have a ticket. He and Sarracenia get shown to the first room... ... Which... looks normal? There's another desk with a toad at it. "Hi! Safety waivers please!" he calls. "Just need you to drop your safety waivers in this box here. You did fill them out beforehand, right?" There's a few more toads - apparently not staff but instead other guests of the haunted house - that have gotten in line behind Bowser and Sarracenia as their tickets have been sorted out. "... You... did fill out the safety waivers, right?" asks the desk toad. There was no mention of safety waivers in the invite, or on the tickets. "Well - okay, you'll need to fill them out now," says the desk toad, pulling out some thick stacks of paper. "I can't let you move further in till they're filled out, and I can't let anyone else pass you for safety reasons till you do, so - please hurry." "What's the holdup?" calls one of the toads waiting behind the party. "Did they forget the safety waivers?" calls another one. "They're holding everyone up!" "Daddy, why aren't we moving?" says a smaller toad. "Some people are so inconsiderate," says another toad. "Probably leave their shopping carts in the parking lot too..." "11 items in the express line..." "Don't cut up their soda can plastic rings..." "Cell phones at the movie, probably..." "I bet they rip their mattress tags right off..." Bowser and Sarracenia are subjected to uncomfortable stares from those in line behind them.
Bowser	Kammy watches Sarracenia go by with a sneer. "PrinCESS," she says, like it was insult rather than a title. "You went to Petra's haunted house? Was that just herself in the mirror as well?" A sneer from Bowser as well. "She had stuff like 'claustwhatever' and blood, it was great." He taps the side of his head, "She's a real natural at being a villain. Just gotta beat up that squirrel kid and... whatever that blue eyed kid is more and she'll be a master." FIVE SECONDS LATER, Bowser is at the desk, bending over it with both hands on it. "SAFETY WAIVER!? I'm KING BOWSER! There's not gonna be anything in there that could even hurt me!" He grabs at the toad by the little vest, pulling them up to his face. Smoke snorts out from his nostrils, trailing around the toad's face. "I'll punch you into last week!" He can't plow through the wall, because Bowser has to respect the Haunted House until he at least gets to the end. So he instead cocks his fist back. "Don't cut up their soda can plastic rings..." "I can have eleven items, I AM THE KING!" He glares at the other toads, his shoulders hunching in. With a snarl, he pulls the stack of paper work towards him and picks up a tiny pen. A pair of glasses come out and perch on his snout as he starts filling out. "Next of kin... Me... Weight... three thousand... height... 10'3" KAMMY!" "I can't hear yoooou, sire!" "Old bag. Mother's Maiden name, what's that?! If two trains are leaving the station, one in mushroom kingdom, one in the sundew kingdom, and the first train is going thirty two miles an hour yadda yadda yadda... North Dakota..." 'I bet he likes his own tweets.' Bowser snaps over at the line, voice rattling the walls, "SHUT UP!" He hunches over further, scribbling as fast as he can before he shoves over the stack of papers.
Sarracenia	'PrinCESS' Sarra mphs in annoyance. "WizNERD!" she retaliates. 'She had stuff like 'claustwhatever' and blood, it was great. She's a real natural at being a villain. Just gotta beat up that squirrel kid and... whatever that blue eyed kid is more and she'll be a master.' "Picking on people does not make you a good villain. It just makes you a bully." Sarra says. "And it is claustrophobia." "S-...safety waivers?" Sarra stammers. "I did not receive any such thing in the invitation, and there was no mention of such! And what possible safety reason would arise from others passing until we are done?!" The Toads start grumbling, and Sarra's eyes widen. "N-no! I was not told of any safety waiver!" I am very considerate and would never hold up a line like this over something so trivial if I had been adequately informed!" "I do not even use shopping carts! My butler always ensures they are returned properly after he uses them! And I have never shopped at a location that had an item limit!" "..soda can rings? I do not buy sodas that use rings!" "No! I would never spoil a movie by using my phone!" "Ripping the tags off is fine if you own the mattress!" Sarra is hurriedly and flusteredly filling out that paperwork as fast as she can. Going against all her contract signing instincts, she just flips through pages looking for signature lines and initial blanks and checkboxes and fills them in as quickly as she can. "Nnng...I bet Daisy put him up to this. Tarnish the reputation of Princess Sarracenia by making her hold up an entire line of innocent Toads!"
Luigi	With the safety waivers complete, the group is waved on. Curiously, none of the crowd of impatient people end up following them. The next room... is spooky. There's ghosts. Or - cardboard cutouts of ghosts, moving on entirely unconvincing mechanisms. "BooooOOOOooooo...." says a speaker, crackling slightly. The room's full of this sort of 'spooky' stuff. There's a floating haunted head! ... Made out of plastic, dangling on a string from the ceiling. There's a man in an electric chair being shocked! ... It's the cheap one you can get at the halloween store for under a hundred dollars, and the motor that makes him convulse is long dead. This is all just so fake. ... So why is it still so unsettling? It takes a bit to figure out. The room is tilted. Everything is tilted a few degrees to one side. The floor, the furnishings, the doors, the paintings - it's all crooked. It's all... off.
Bowser	"Beating up your enemy is important! It shows you can keep them in their place and that they aren't worthy of falling in love with the woman of your dreams! She's probably beating everyone off from The Dame Commander." Bowser has never met Cinder. After thrusting through the door, Bowser stands there, glaring. The Eeries and Boos begin to slooowly slide to the left. Bowser glances one way, eyes narrowing as he focuses in on a plastic head. Then the clearly 'bought at a garage sale from a contractor whose partner is making them finally downsize their massive haunted house collection because it's time to downsize to a smaller house because all the kids left for college and it's time to retire and move to Arizona' electric chair. Eye flick over to the cardboard cutout of the ghosts. Then down to the floor. Gears slowly turn in his head. Bowser lifts one foot off the floor, underneath his ghost costume. KAKOOM. The entire room shifts suddenly shifts as Bowser slams his foot down, wood creaking and resettling as everything settles back to a properly upright position. "Cheap old haunted house," he mutters, "They always make em bad and sell them at top dollar, stupid Green Guy probably doesn't know the first thing about property."
Sarracenia	The toads do not follow. Sarra gains a large frown. "...okay...I may have to bob-omb him for that." the princess says to herself. They enter the next room. Sarracenia's eyes mirror Bowser's as he looks around. "This...this is not even cheesy. It is just...sad." she says. She huffs as she notices the tilted room. "Is that on purpose, or..." she wonders, then yelps as Bowser stomps. It throws her off balance and she flails to keep from falling over. Bowser's appraisal of the property impresses her a bit, though. "...how do you know so much about architecture and property value? I find it unlikely you have ever purchased a property and not just conquered it."
Luigi	Bowser 'fixes' the angled room. STOMP ... "(That took so much money to make like that...)" says a voice vaguely on the periphery of hearing. "(Yeah... that's-a why I waited to send out invites till the season was almost over.)" --- And then there's several less-gimmicky rooms... A restaurant room. "Monsieur," says the waiter toad. "I'm sorry, but it does appear that your card has been declined." --- An engine room of some sort. <DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING OR IT WILL BREAK> says the sign. As soon as someone takes more than a few steps into the room, there's a horrendous grinding noise, and then smoke and sparks start issuing from the complex looking machinery in the room. "DID YOU TOUCH SOMETHING?!" yells the engineering toad. "Everything's breaking! Just - don't try to fix it, you'll just make things worse! Just go!" --- A train station. The departures board says: <Your Train> Status: <Left Already, You're Late> Next Train: <Tomorrow> --- This room has... ... nothing wrong with it. Nothing spooky. Nothing alarming. Nothing. It's just a normal living room. There's a trick here, right?
Bowser	A dramatic eyeroll, "You've NEVER built a level in your life. You are always gonna be a namby pamby goody two shoes and waiting for someone to rescue you!" He jerks a thumb at himself, "Do you know how many haunted houses I made to catch that stupid plumber! One hundred and seventeen! One hundred and seventeen!!" He points a finger at Sarracenia, "They don't even got CHECKPOINTS in them! I know how to pick a good spot! I put in a secret exit to something good just to mess with his head!" Bowser sits down in the fancy french restaurant, still in his ghost costume. A drybones provides a little bowtie to stick on the sheet. The rest of the minions sit around the table. "Yea, gimme uhhhh nine croaca colas-" One of the eeries makes a vague chirp, "Yea gimme eight croaca colas and one diet Luma Citrus and nine shrimp cocktails NOW!" People look over at Bowser, but Bowser doesn't seem to care as he lifts his crystal water glass to the waiter. The toad leans back, "Monsieur, that's the wrong... that's the wrong glass." The rest of the minions are eating shrimp cocktail by flipping them upward into their various face orifices. Bowser's ego can never be bruised because he doesn't have manners! "Monsieur," says the waiter toad. "I'm sorry, but it does appear that your card has been declined." "EXCUSE ME?! This is a Diner's Club card! Try it again!" ... "What do you mean it doesn't work?! Try my KoopaCard!" ... "How is that declined, I own the bank!! FINE! Let me write a check." ... "WHO DOESN'T TAKE A CHECK!? LOOK, MY WALLET IS IN THE AIRSHIP!" Kammy nods lazily towards another toad, "That's sooooo interesting, you do gardening? Here, have another drink." She patently ignores as Bowser goes stomping to his airship, retreives a gold coin that size of a dinner plate, then goes stomping back. "Oh, really, roses, mmhmm, mhmm." FORTY MINUTES LATER IN THE ENGINE ROOM. "SARRACENIA, THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU DO SOMETHING!" He points at Sarracenia, "THIS IS ALL HER FAULT!" The train station. Bowser sits at the bench, reading a good housewife magazine and eating a bowl of vending machine ramen. FINAL ROOM. Bowser looks at the couch. "Hmm, is it..." He looks over at the boring walls. It doesn't even have wainscoating. It's orange peel, the most basic of textures. Bowser glances over at the old heavy style flat screen TV, perched on a TV stand bought at a yard sale. Slowly, Bowser's eyes roam the shelves and the random Target brand fall decorations. Not even the anatomically incorrect animal skeletons. "Oh I get it... no jumpscares! There's gonna be some weird ugly pizza animal coming out of the COUCH!" Bowser brings one fist down, punching the couch in half. He turns slightly, looking around, eyes narrowing, "Or... that fabric drawer SHELF!" Bowser hurls a hammer at it, shattering it. "Or... THOSE VIDEO GAME CONSOLES!" Bowser hurls fire at it, burning the PS3 and Xbox 360 but leaving the Animal Crossing Brand Nintendo Switch perfectly untouched. He spins around in place, eyes narrowed. "You won't get me with some weird mascot!"
Sarracenia	'You've NEVER built a level in your life. You are always gonna be a namby pamby goody two shoes and waiting for someone to rescue you!' "I have built dozens of levels in my 'namby pamby' search for heroes!!" Sarra exclaims huffily. "And I would much rather be a goody two shoes than some deluded turtle who thinks he has a chance with a princess! Especially one who apparently -cannot- build levels properly since...you know...that plumber duo has defeated you at every turn!!" A restaurant room. "My card has never been declined!" Sarra exclaims, but unlike Bowser she just pulls one of those plate-sized coins out of her purse to pay and smirks haughtily at Bowser as he has to trudge all the way back to his ship for one. The engine room. "My fault?! How is it my fault! You are the one stomping around like a sumo wrestler!" The Toad shouts at them, and Sarra stomps a few times and hops up and down just to spite the Toad engineer, then sticks her tongue out at him/her before smirking. The train station. Sarra actually giggles a bit at that one. It is starting to sink in that this is more of a funhouse than a haunted house. Goofy jokes and the like. She can appreciate this even if it was mislabeled in the invitation. The princess does like fun after all, and despite being grown is pretty child-like. The living room. "...it is just a normal room? Should there not be monsters here hiding out so they can 'live'?" she says with a small giggle. Then, Bowser starts smashing things. She just watches him with a bit of a deadpan expression. "You are some weird mascot, you overgrown spiny."
Luigi	Once again, Bowser wrecks the room. There's a sigh from somewhere outside. Maybe more than one sigh. Anyway. Was that the final room? It must be because the next room looks decidedly non-haunted-house. It's a room with a large screen taking up one wall, showing... high scores? There's a handful of toads here, looking at the screen. "We made it through the haunted house!" "Oh man, we did really well. Check the scores." There's a bunch of toad names taking up most of the leaderboard... and then down at the very bottom, 'BOWSER' and 'SARRACENIA' with abysmally low scores. "I'm gonna share it to social media!" "Oh man, but can you imagine what it'd be like to be one of those people who didn't score well?" "Yeah! Everyone would know how terribly you'd did." "And it'd be on the internet." "Forever." And once past that room, there's... the actual exit, leading outside, along a garden path. The group doesn't make it far before Luigi approaches them. "Hey! Where've you been? I've been looking for you, I've got the haunted house all set up. Did you go to-a the wrong address, or something?" "You gotta be careful. Legend says that a bunch of toads were running a haunted house here on this site twenty years ago to the day, and then it burned down with no survivors. On moonless nights like this one, people swear that they can see the ghosts of the dead toads and the spirit of the haunted house itself..." And if anyone happens to look back... ... the haunted house they were just in is gone. ... ... Or - actually, no, it's two toads holding up a large angled mirror in a way that makes it look like the haunted house has disappeared. It's actually still there.
Bowser	"I am a MIGHTY AND GOOD LOOKING MASCOT, YOU FLOWER BRAINED NEVER GET A DATE GIRL! At least I am taking life by the HORNS!" Bowser folds his arms, grinning to himself as he stands in front of the screen. "I wasn't scared of a thing, this was a haunted house for BABIES! Little babies! Little stupid crying plumber babies who have to get yoshis to do everything!" He watches the screen as it rolls from '100,000,000' down and down and down to... 2. And he's tied with Sarracenia?! Bowser grabs the velvet rope, yanking the post out of the floor. "I demand a recount! I am the BRAVEST THERE IS!" "I'm gonna share it to social media!" Thud thud On the internet. thud thud FOREVER DOKI DOKI Bowser bursts out of the Haunted House at the other door, eyes bugged out, smoke pouring from his mouth and nostrils. "COME BACK HERE, GIMME THOSE PHONES!" Grass kicks up as Bowser skids to a stop, digging a huge furrow in the ground. He glares around, unable to see the two toads, looking at Luigi. "Green guy! Your haunte-" "Hey! Where've you been? I've been looking for you, I've got the haunted house all set up. Did you go to-a the wrong address, or something?" "What are ya, stupid, who else made that house but a loser like y-" There's no house. Up. No that's a sky. Down, no that's grass. Bowser takes a staggering step back, slack jawed. He glances down at Luigi, then back up to the lack of a house. "Y-yea. We were just... going over to your haunted house. Just stopped for-"
Sarracenia	'I am a MIGHTY AND GOOD LOOKING MASCOT, YOU FLOWER BRAINED NEVER GET A DATE GIRL! At least I am taking life by the HORNS!' "I have been on many dates! I have had three boyfriends! Forget horns! I take life by the bob-ombs and bullet bills! Horns are just gaudy accessories!" Since they were alone in the rest of the haunted house and after that first room Sarra is doubtful of the legitimacy of these Toads. "That is ridiculous. What even is the scoring system? I destroyed nothing, if that has any bearing on it." 'Hey! Where've you been?' Sarra blinks in surprise. "You...know who I am?" she asks, then blinks again and coughs. "Er...anyway, I followed the address provided. If it was incorrect it is your fault." she says, then turns around to look. And for just a few moments, Sarra freezes. "Wait...what?" Then a moment later she notices the Toads. She is still a moment before...she laughs, then turns back to Luigi. "I cannot say it was a 'haunted house', but...I did enjoy it. A bit." she says with a slight smile.
Luigi	Bowser gets uninvited from next year's haunted house for chasing the scare workers. "It's all pretty terrifying to me?" asks Luigi to Sarracenia. He coughs. "Anyway. I'm glad you made it out here. We're shutting down for the season soon and for, uh, repairs."
Bowser	Bowser will just ram a castle into it as he always does.