View source for 4353/A Lizard Talks With A Cat

{{Log Header
|Date of Scene=2016/07/24
|Location=SSC Stranger Than Fiction
|Synopsis=Ainsley comes over to talk with Staren.
|Cast of Characters=42, 151
|pretty=yes
}}
{{Poses
|Poses=:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren's waiting by the warpgate outside Ponyville. When Ainsley arrives, he nods in greeting, and beams them up to the ship.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The lower deck appears unchanged. When Staren leads Ainsley up the stairs, the former storage room has been stocked with furniture! The 20x15 foot space is now a carpeted room, with dark wooden furniture with autumn-colored upholstery. There's a couch, a coffee table, and some chairs, as well as a bed in one corner with a vanity and end table. "Take a seat, I'll be right with you."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A few moments later, he comes down with a large thermos, a squeezable honey dispenser, and a couple of mugs and spoons on a tray, setting it on the coffee table. "Tea? I made chamomile."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley gave Staren a small, cordial smile before they beamed up. The transition was unusually smooth for her, like her magic helped grease the teleportation just enough for her to be a second or two earlier than Staren. It probably wouldn't be noticeable on its own for either of them.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley settles into a seat with those soft movements Staren might be accustomed to. She patiently waits for him to return for the tea, and says the obligatory "Thank you~" before she starts preparing her tea. Sweet, sweet stuff.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"How's life among Equestria treating you, Staren?" she wonders at him, her voice soft while she settles back into her seat with her mug of tea, waiting for it to cool and enjoying the heat radiating into her cold-blooded fingers.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren pours tea and stirs some honey in before taking a seat across from her. "Well... Day-to-day? I spend most of my time here on the ship. When I leave it, though... Equestria is just a teleport away, as long as I'm orbiting it. As are AMATERASU and AMALGAM, thanks to the teleporter network. So it's like my 'neighborhood' is three places at once. I can get a lot of groceries in Equestria, but I have to go farther for fresh meat. Um..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren looks thoughtful. "Equestria is nice and peaceful." He smiles, "Twilight treats me well, as always. Always a pleasure to spend time with her when I can."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He blows on his mug to cool it. "The ponies of Ponyville are pretty used to visitors now. They're a friendly bunch, but there's not a lot for me to do down there besides take walks, or eat at a restaurant as a pony. They have a club, but that's not really my thing. My life is out in the multiverse, and on the computer."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley listens with plenty of thought. She doesn't have much to say about what Staren is telling her. It's pretty normal, and it seems indicative of someone that feels comfortable.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I want to ask you a serious question. Do you want to hear it?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She has her pleasant demeanor despite the nature of her question. She waits to see if he's receptive first, watching his face, his eyes, her smile unwavering.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren blinks. Thoughts rapid-fire through his head. A serious question. One that may require serious thought. /Is/ he ready? He probably is. What if the answer results in tripping over social things? Eh, Ainsley knows him.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He nods.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"This is going to get longwinded," Ainsley admits, looking down into the mug for a moment.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She looks up at Staren. "You're an engineer. A scientist. I've seen you working on things I could never dream about mastering, and you have so many tools at your disposal... You have technology, you have friends, you have a faction of allies, you even have ways to evade death that could be considered miraculous even by the standards of futuristic worlds."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"So... why don't you seem comfortable? I don't mean that you're stressed out, just that you have trouble accepting disagreements, and that you get so much anxiety, and then you get downtrodden about it..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Why don't you really seem... happy?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren's ears rotate forward as Ainsley speaks. He tilts his head slightly at first. As she comes to the last couple of sentences, his ears splay and he looks down at the table.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He sets the mug down, then sits up, with his hands in his lap, looking straight at her. "That stuff is all wonderful, it's true. But..."He looks away briefly, "hmm... Well, there's multiple reasons. One is, for all the stuff I have, and all the power and resources... In the end, I have emotions like everyone else, and it hurts when I'm misunderstood by allies, or they think ill of me. It can't be more important to me than doing what I think is right, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Although..." He slumps and looks down. "Maybe I'm starting to get used to it, finally."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He sighs, takes a deep breath, and straightens up again. "Second of all, I've learned that no matter what power and resources I have, I /can't/ assume it'll be enough. Because one day, I'll be in a situation, and someone will be hurt, lost, or killed, and... Maybe it's impossible. And it's not that I think I have to handle /everything/ myself. But I'm the only one I can personally make sure can handle more things. So... I've got to do more."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He sighs and leans back against the couch. "And I have ways to cheat death that should be miraculous, but I didn't get them for /myself/!" He throws up his hands, then drops them to his side. "That day when people's bodies showed up, I thought, I suddenly realized, that I'd <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">never see those people again</span>. Never talk to them. They were gone from my future, forever. That was when it really /hit/ me, what the death of a friend meant. And so I set out to make sure it wouldn't happen again. Days later, a way to do it fell into my lap, but..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He sighs. "It's meaningless, if noone wants it. Yeah, people say I'll be a lonely immortal if all my friends die. No shit! That's why I want all of you to live too! But noone cares. At least Twilight's let me scan her, just in case. There might be dangers with doing more tests than that, to be certain. That's understandable. But it's not true for <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">everyone</span>. But in the end, I can't save people."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley watches and she keeps her patient smile. It might make her seem like a statue if not for the gentle signs of her breathing, and the strange shine to her eyes like there's always a bit of magic in them. Like her nature was not that of an ordinary mortal creature anymore. As Staren lets all of it out, leaving the baggage on the table for her to see, all the worries and fears he has that torture him day by day, she looks aside for a moment. She looks around the room after he's finished. He looks back to Staren.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"My life, and the Multiverse, has taught me a lot."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Misunderstandings are normal. If we were meant to all understand each other, civilization would never have become so marvelously complex. If they think ill of you... there is little you can do about that besides try to approach it from a different angle. 'Did I word this too directly? Did I say something that made them upset without realizing it?' All I can say is that it's best to make an effort, to keep learning, to keep trying. And always be open."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A beat.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"You struggle with the religious and the arrogant, and I see that. But you must understand that each individual is their own. You must speak with them as if they don't know any other truth. Not like a child, or a savage, but someone that just lived a different life. You need to be as open to others as you can be, in this example and in others, or you will never reach this understanding you're looking for. This means that when people begin to get angry, or when you get angry, it may be time to slow down. To ask for a private discussion..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She sips from her tea before she continues.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"The ways to avoid death... mmh." She closes her eyes for a second. "No one really wants to die." She opens her eyes. "But no one wants to live a life that has lasted so long that it has lost all meaning in itself, either," she tells Staren. "Stories have conclusions for a reason." She smirks, "Have you watched many good TV shows that just went on for way too long?" And then she gains a more somber tone, "Or have you seen those among your allies that HAVE lasted hundreds of years? I know one of them... It isn't pretty. Some get bogged down by an endless march of misfortune. They know they'll live long enough to grow to hate the people they love, or that they will start to see futility in the world around them."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She sips her tea again, and creases her brow, "This is going to sound rude, but you sound like a selfish person by nature. 'They will not trust this technology I know isn't dangerous,' that perspective is ignoring the fact that they don't really have to choose your method. You're not making the effort to see their side for what it is, you're just getting frustrated that they're choosing the path you're afraid they will choose. If people don't want to be saved, and you try to do it anyways, is it really saving them? Or are you just doing it to feel better about yourself?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Misunderstandings are normal. He nods. If we were meant to all understand eachother... he shrugs. "It still hurts, though."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;When she gets to private discussions, he sighs and leans against the back of the couch. "I /know/, but I never remember when it matters. Talking to people differently... I need to work on."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He sits up. "All that stuff you said about the more /amazing/ parts of my life? There's enough of that in the Multiverse to fill /countless/ lifetimes. <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">Some</span> of our older allies are less well adjusted than others, but maybe it's a social thing. Maybe, if I can learn how to get along with people letter, I <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">won't</span> come to hate them!"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes a moment as she asks if he helps people for selfish reasons. He thinks, and he gets up, and walks behind the couch, and paces, with his hands folded behind his back.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Morality. I want to understand it as much as anything else. <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">More</span>, if anything, because science and technology give me tools, but <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">morality</span> decides how I use those tools, what end goals I work towards. And so, I have thought about it. A lot. Tried to understand it. I have gut feelings, but I don't know exactly why. And sometimes, a situation gets complex and confusing and I don't /get/ a gut feeling. And so, I try to determine values. See how well they line up with my, my 'moral compass'. Saving people seems pretty simple. My gut's in no doubt about that. People's lives, and the state of those lives, are important. So saving them is good. Good... good is a morality word that means it's what you <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">should</span> do. Saving people is good. I should save people. So... I mean, it's the right thing to do. And the right thing to do is... the right thing to do." He stops pacing and looks at Ainsley. "Am I making any sense, here?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley gets closer to the root of it. She watches Staren pace, his struggle with simplifying morality, the idea that saving people is inherently good... or is it? She nods when he asks if she's making sense.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"You're a scientist. You think like one. 'Saving a person is good,' like it's a law that cannot be defied. A life has value as long as it exists, right?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I will use a tired example here. Bear with me."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She sets her mug down. "The Plain of Tales," she begins, "Already struck with a disaster, many of the people there didn't want to be saved, so crushed under the misfortune. And the problem was a single man. A man that, from the outside, saw everything as a challenge he had to surmount. To defeat it, he would prove to himself he was worthy. He hoped that he would find salvation in conquering, in taking, in showing his family he could be a King."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"But he never found it. He never looked beyond this one method, or saw that the value he placed in this family that would never accept him was destroying him. So he just let it destroy him. He became a monster. A /real/ monster."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"And in the end, when I found him, all he could accept was that he had to kill and to destroy. If I were to take him down, bring him to his knees, or just show him that he was wrong, it would be worse than killing him. If he was taught everything he knew was a lie... that he had killed all those people, hated all these people, thought of others no more than stepping stones for all those years... and it suddenly had no meaning, he would have nothing. He would be nothing."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"So I killed him."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I remember standing there over him and thinking:"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"He was already dead, long before I struck him down. He wasn't a prince anymore. He was just... a force that created suffering that would never stop until someone stopped him. And the only thing that could give his life real value was to remember the lessons of his life and to tell it to others. I remember thinking that he had never met someone that had talked to him. I remember looking out into the edge of that scorched field, and thinking: We had done what we could. His soldiers would live. Some would grow dark, but others might learn from their mistakes."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Good and evil are constructs people use to describe things far more complex than people are willing to accept. Killing is wrong, and what I did to that man was evil, and some part of me will always believe that. But what was done to his life was abominable. What he had to go through, to reach that point, was a suffering that couldn't be allowed to continue. Should I be detained, because I had murdered someone? Am I a hero, because I struck down an enemy in war time? Did I save lives? Did I damn my own soul?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"The only true good is connecting with others. The only true evil is refusing to understand others, to grow angry when they won't accept you. That man had evil done to him. He had his connections turned against him. He was angry, he was hostile, and they feared him and refused to accept him. And so he only got worse."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I accept you, Staren. I just ask that you accept others, too, okay? Even if they do just... insane things, all the time."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She has a mirthful smile at the end of that.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren makes an uncertain, "Mmmnnnnhhh..." noise when she says it's a law that can't be defied. "I'm a consequentialist, not a deontologist."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She tells her story.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"And that's /why/. You did the best you could, to help the most people. I was talking overly simplistic before. Of /course/ there are times when saving people isn't the best option." He starts pacing again. "/My/ morality, as best I can figure it, values... well, a lot of stuff. Life and health and quality of life and enjoyment and having and persuing dreams and being able to follow your own values, it's, it's too complex to boil down, that's sort of a general overview. Of /course/ his life had value, and his drive to challenge things, but he was making life worse for so many others. The future was better off without him. That's what it comes down to."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He stops for a moment, then looks at her. "Today, I talked to Peridot. She helped with the plot to assassinate Twilight. But she's reformed. She apologized to me, despite it clearly being incredibly awkward and embarassing to her, and... I think she meant it. She really is trying to do better now. Should I kill her because of what she did? Of course not! This is the /best/ result, for someone who was formerly a harm to others, of negative value to the universe... She's a positive value now. She's making the future /better/. I wish this could happen to /all/ my enemies. Every single one, it would be a better fate, for them, and for all the lives they'd touch in the future, if they reformed and started helping people. Better than rotting in jail. Better than death."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He leans against the couch, resting his hands on the back with his arms straight. "But it almost never happens. And so sometimes, we kill people. Because if we don't, they'll make the future worse, for so many others."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Right."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"You just aren't going to see that improvement in everyone. Some people enjoy the suffering of others. Some only find completion in the destruction of others. Some have put themselves down paths where they feel they have no other choice. Sometimes, they really do have no other choice, because someone or something else is pushing them that way. And that isn't your fault. You aren't failing to be good. Their choices don't stop the facts: You want people to be happy, to be good, to be safe. Even if you can sound like you will go off the deep end to me or to others, and believe me, it can get worrying... You are a good person. You have told me as much. You want people to understand you, and you want to understand others. That's important. It isn't perfect, and I cannot force you to be happy, but I can at least tell you that you're doing a good job so far. Keep trying, okay?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley gathers her mug of tea to finish it off. "Remember that I will be around to listen to you if you get angry. Just... try to give it some thought, first. We can talk about whatever is bothering you, and I will always listen to you."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren blinks. "...I know that I'm good. Even if the entire Union were screaming for my blood... if I did the right thing, that's more important than what others think of me." He walks around and sits down again, taking a sip of his tea. "My problem isn't with doing the right thing... Although, as I said, I have emotions same as everyone else, and your validation feels much more pleasant than if I had to weather your scorn... I don't doubt myself. I refine my understanding of morality, and maybe sometimes I make mistakes... But I think that on the whole, I'm going in the right direction. Never for a second have I feared that I'm evil..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He hangs his head. "Though I wonder if I might be someday. After all, we can't trust children to know what's best. We have to guard them and keep them safe until they know better. And when I'm old and I look at impetuous young elites, and they tell me that fighting death is wrong..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He looks up at Ainsley. "I worry that one day, I'll see them as foolish children and go against them for their own good."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley thinks on that for a moment.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Age is no metric for wisdom, Staren. If you recognize that now, /right now/, that it's wrong to force them to accept that, then why would you do it in the future?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Would you just forget that their feelings are important and only accept your own truths?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"It's a strange fear to have. To grow old and yet more ignorant. Because that's what that is."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"...Because I don't understand /why/ it's wrong. I'm in doubt. It might have something to do with the value of freedom, but that's an attempt to understand the metric other people are using. It's something I know I shouldn't do," He looks down at his drink, "because if I do, heroes will come kill me, and then I won't be able to help people anymore. That's what holds me back from a lot of things, now. I don't think I'll grow old and ignorant. I think one day, maybe I'll have enough power that I'll believe I can /win/."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Why do they want to come kill you?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley smiles just as patiently as before. She looks like she expects some sort of answer.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren's eyes start to water a bit as he looks down at his tea. "Because I did something they don't like. Something they don't understand. I told myself I would go against the entire Multiverse if I was right and they were wrong," his eyes water more. "Other people don't make what's right, wrong. But it hurts. It hurts, to be seen that way."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren blinks away tears as he awaits her reply, and wipes his cheek with a finger.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley watches Staren, her eyes focused keenly on his face, and she breathes a sigh through her nose. It does bother her to do this to him, but she wants to reach an understanding, and so... "You are right, in this hypothetical scenario, but so are they. And what ends up happening is that your 'right' disappears and theirs loses its true meaning," she makes a little 'poof' gesture with her fingers spreading out and her palm facing him, "And all the value of your life is lost because you tried to force it, and because they fought against it. The evil there, the 'wrong,' was because of the lack of understanding on both sides."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"It will hurt, but that's okay, alright?" She gets up from her seat, and moves over to give him a hug around the shoulders. Squeeeeze~<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"It's okay."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He gives her a curious look as she approaches... Oh. A hug. He recalls that he gave her a hug once, when she seemed to need it...<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He leans into the hug, slightly. He's silent for a few seconds.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"...That's what the Union does. That's what heroes do. They judge that others are wrong, and force that morality on others by violent and forceful punishment if they have to. So why is it different for me to... to do this to allies? The only difference I see is that, well, they're potential /allies/, in some matters, so it's regrettable to turn them against me. Understanding..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He hangs his head and closes his eyes. "I hope one day, I'll be better at it. But progress comes so slowly. Small steps and small lessons take <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">years</span>. It's a long and painful road." He opens his eyes. "Is there a better way I don't see?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley holds the hug for a moment longer, and then releases him. "No." She shrugs at him, looked momentarily pained. "This is pretty much it. You take your victories where you can get them and try not to trample the people you care about along the way." She breathes a sigh, washing cold-blooded breath over him as she gets some healthy conversational distance again. "Do you see me doing a lot of... violent and forceful punishment, these days?" she wonders at him, awkwardly rubbing the top of her head. "I used to, but..."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren looks at Ainsley. She's been so accepting. So understanding. Can he trust her completely, like he does Morg and Twilight?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He just has to tell her what he once considered doing. Part of his mind automatically starts solving for how to reach for a weapon covertly, in case the answer is wrong and she goes to tell the Union... No. He'd be discovered, anyway. And he could never bring himself to kill her. It would simply be the end, as she escapes. He could run. Hide. He trusted Twilight, but she proved herself again and again and again and again and again to a degree that astounded him and erased all doubt. That she would turn on him was unthinkable.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is it really thinkable, that Ainsley would?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Oh wait, she was talking. Shit, play that back.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I see. I suppose it could be worse. It would be maddening, if I did not have Twilight. Or you, apparently."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I do not. You let others handle it. Just as I let others handle fights over target zones, and diplomatic matters... Either I think they are pointless in the long run, or I know I'm no good at them."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He tilts his head to one side. "Are you saying the reason you do not now is because you think it would be wrong? Because you'd be forcing your morality on others?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Mm-hmm."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Communication is my Aspect, it's what I am, body, soul and mind. And communication doesn't work if one side," Ainsley gently touches the top of Staren's head with one finger, and then her own nose, as if it could be either of them, "Just refuses to connect. If I refuse to accept the 'right' of both my allies AND my enemies, I have failed my own purpose. Sounds impossible, right?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"If that means accepting that others DO force their version of right on others, and that sometimes these situations can't be avoided, then that is what I have to do. And in the meantime... I do what I can to ensure that connections are made."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;How solid is his mental simulation? Consider someone else. Like Sakura Kinomoto. She'd never betray him. If he told her, what would she say?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'But you didn't actually do it, did you?'<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That's what Twilight said, too.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is it what Ainsley would say? Possibly. But she's intelligent and clever and cunning enough to lie for the safety of the world.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is she? Could she really bring herself to do that? Maybe he should be looking at this from her side. Shit, this is really hard, but he needs to know, this once...<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He's quiet for a long moment. Empathy. Be Ainsley. Put yourself in someone else's shoes.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'You didn't do it.'<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That's obvious. But also a primed thought. No, what he needs to know is, if she decided he was wrong, could she bear to hurt him?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He's not sure, and while he's trying to figure it out she explains and it becomes clear he really doesn't know enough about what she is now.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Mm. I don't know if I could live that way. Maybe if I were very tired. It feels like a moral failing.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He looks at her. "Why aren't you concerned? I've said that I would force my morality on others, and only fear of reprisal and being stopped prevents me from trying to force better lives, safety, health on people. Isn't that dangerous?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;It is hard to slip such a struggle past her. There's bound to be something in Staren's face that tells Ainsley that he's trying to say something important, but her nature refuses to pry into it unless it is just impossible to ignore.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I am concerned, Staren. Why would I talk to you if I wasn't concerned? I just don't see it as a disaster, or that you're going to run off and turn into a mad scientist in an instant... I can see your pain and I'm here to tell you that I see it, and that I empathize."<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"This is me being concerned," she says, lifting her brows and pointing at her own face.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ugh, will this uncertainty drive him nuts? What about others, why doesn't it bother him that he doesn't trust them? Well, J. Random Unionite he <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">knows</span> he can't trust. They don't understand. What about people he's known for awhile?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ugh, he's too tired. Or he burned his social neurons out trying to be Ainsley for a few moments.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He needs more friends. True friends. A lot of his misery is doubt and lack of trust, isn't it?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Despite himself, he smiles as she points at herself. Something about that was funny.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He stands and paces again. "For years, I lived knowing... <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">knowing</span>, that one day it would all end. I'd be misunderstood too far, the Union would declare me an outlaw, and I'd have to spend the rest of my life on the run. It was just an obvious fact of life, and I just hoped I could do as much good as possible before that day came."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He stops pacing. "That started to change four and a half years ago, but it took time for me to really stop believing in it as an inevitability. But maybe... I dunno. Maybe it never really leaves you. I can't completely trust people... because I fear one misstep..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He sits back on the couch. "I've been out and about in the Multiverse for ten years. Who knows how much of that is precaution and care and healthy paranoia. The idea that it could all end so quickly sounds silly, from one little mistake... But one thing you didn't expect is all it takes. We still lose people sometimes. How do I know when and how to trust people?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley puffs another sigh. It's /exhausting/ to keep up with this, and so she finds a place to sit again and gently speaks to Staren some more.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"You can trust people that are honest with you, that won't hurt you just because they think you're wrong. Beyond that... even I struggle with that. Mostly I just try to be the person /other/ people can trust, or at least begin to, and just hope that no one tries to take advantage of me along the way."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren looks at her. Is he hurting /her/? She wants to be trustworthy.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Another true friend would be wonderful.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Be cautious. Ten years in the multiverse. You can always try again later, with more information. You're tired.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If the Union actually got upset, could he hide in Twilight's house until she talked them down? <span class="underline fg_n bg_n ++ u">Could</span> she talk them down? It would be terrible to impose that on someone he loves. But then, if it was a risk taken for friendship, wouldn't she want him to have tried?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He's already admitted that only fear of the stick stops him from doing 'right things'. Is anything really worse than that? Is he just paranoid, and many have passed the test without him even /thinking/ about it?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Auuuugh!<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren holds his hands to his head for a moment, then takes a deep breath. Then takes a long sip of his tea. Cool enough to take a long sip of, now. Then he takes another deep breath.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"About four and a half years ago... Sorry, the number I should have said before was /three/ and a half, because this was a year before then... When I came back from my hiatus of no longer being able to stand the pointless fighting... I had an idea."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Stupid stupid reckless reckless but I can't take it anymore<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I believed it might be possible to de-unify a world. I thought I could find a way. And so I had a plan. If I could set up three of these devices, near Njorun, the Citadel, and in Equestria... Defending the former two with armies of constructs to hold elites off just long enough for them to activate... Then by cutting off the heads, so to speak, of the two greatest powers in the Multiverse, I could stop the war. I don't know how many would be hurt or killed in such a fight, but surely the lessening of pain and death in the future would have been immesurable. By being in Equestria when the third device goes off, I escape reprisal and retire somewhere peaceful. It's not like I could never go to other worlds again, anyway. I /know/ there are ways to do it outside the Multiverse."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He lowers his gaze. "I didn't seriously work on it. I was scared, and if I was found out and failed, defeated before I could pull it off, I'd cause a big fight and pain and death all for nothing. But... I made this plan. I considered it. You can see by how I can talk and explain it all now..." He looks back at Ainsley. What now?<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Stupid. Reckless. You IDIOT! I'm so tired. I couldn't take it anymore. And you won't take anything anymore, if you screwed up.<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"...In the end... even now... I know it would have been a right thing to do, if I could only pull it off. It wasn't realizing it was wrong that stopped me." He scratches his head. "If I somehow got the ability /to/ do it now... I don't know. I'd have to think about it."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ainsley thought about it after Staren said it. Her face twisted into this deeply skeptical look, like she doubted something about his plan pretty strongly. She fluffed up her feathers for a moment. It wasn't disgust, or at least, she could still look him in the eyes after he said it.<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Putting aside how incredibly... reckless that is, you would..." She looks down at her fingers, and counts off on them, "You would have to fight forces we know keep the Multiverse in a certain 'shape,' things that people don't understand anymore. You would have to fight innumerable elites on both sides, most of which would not be merciful and would swiftly render all your plans useless... And, again, it's selfish. What part of the Multiverse is any different than how your own world worked before? No one you really care about would accept it."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"And even putting THAT aside, you would be ignoring the fact that this would turn you against everything on both sides. Boiling it down to such a simplistic solution wouldn't solve the problem at all. It would put it out of your sight and make it more complicated for everyone else to deal with and you can't tell me with everything you've said so far that you believe that's the 'right' outcome."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She shakes her head slowly. "I understand why you got to that point. I don't agree with it, but I understand. Again... you're a scientist, a problem solver, and it's enticing to just... simplify it. The fighting gets tiresome. The mistakes get too familiar after a while."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I'm glad you didn't go through with it," she concludes. "As mad scientist plans go, though, it isn't as apocalyptic as it could've sounded. The way your face looked, I thought you were going to say something worse."<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"The war couldn't continue on the scale it has, without the Union and Confederacy's headquarters... Although, I suppose back then, perhaps I had an inflated view of just /how/ much that would hinder the ability to wage war..." He runs a hand through his hair. "...You thought I was going to say something /worse/, and you still wanted to hear it and talk to me?"<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He hangs his head for a moment, then looks back at her. "...Do you think I've misjudged the Union? That I could be a lot more trusting?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:151|Ainsley (151)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Dunno. I'm a weird case, and I know that most people would think you are a basket case," Ainsley tells Staren, shrugging at him, "So I couldn't say if you should trust your allies more. That's up to you to figure out. Maybe it'll help them accept you if you trust them in turn? It's worth an experiment, right?"<br> <br>

:'''{{#var:42|Staren (42)}} has posed:'''<br><span></span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Staren smiles a little. So she thinks he /is/ right, to think that others would see him as crazy. That makes him feel less crazy. "I suppose. I'll have to think it over carefully. How to perform such an experiment. When I'm less tired." He stands and walks to a window. "Celestia's raised the sun already..."<br /><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;He turns back to her. "Thank you," he smiles more, "That's a load off my mind, and friends I can really trust, at least in my current mindset, are few and precious. You are the third."<br> <br>
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