1026/Birds and Bees 101

Birds and Bees 101
Date of Scene:	25 November 2014
Location:	New York-199999
Synopsis:	Tony is a responsible parent and decides to make sure that his teenage daughter has her facts straight when Toph seems to think that she will have siblings sooner or later. Warning: Contains frank discussion of sex ed related topics. And squirmy childish reactions to same. (Mostly by Tony)
Cast of Characters:	20, 301

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Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony is in his workshop, as promised, being cheerfully obnoxious on the radio as he flips through a digital photo album on one of the big screens at the desk before him. On one of the other screens, Jarvis-code is compiling.

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    Are they seriously doing this? Just because of a few comments?

    But since he told her to come down to the workshop, Toph has no choice but to do as told, right? Tony did sound rather determined, unfortunately. Why do they have to have this conversation face to face though? She thought it worked out well enough with him sitting down in the workshop and her up on the couch trying to get through her reading lesson. Funny, it's not often she would rather be reading than talking with Tony. But then again. This is... oogie. Eww.

    The blind girl makes her way down the stairway and into the workshop, trying to look as casual as she can even as Tony has fun bragging about himself on the Union channel. At least that's the same. "Be glad that I can't tell what you used to look like," she comments as she walks up towards the desk and flops down into a nearby chair.

    No, she still doesn't get /why/ they have to talk about this.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony glances around the edge of the partially-transparent monitor as Toph slumps in and flops on his furniture. He shuts down the photo album with a casual swipe of his hand and swivels around in his desk chair to scooch its wheels over to her, snagging up the coffee mug from the desktop as he does so. "Basically me, only skinnier and with less hair on my face," he quips helpfully. "If we go back to the eighties, add shorter, and bigger hair to the list. And for the record I am about exactly as eager to have this conversation as you are, but I think we need to. You're thirteen-and-a-half, it's past time you knew this stuff."

Not RIGHT this instant though. No, he can still buy himself a moment or two by lifting his coffee mug to his lips for a sip. "So, uh... what EXACTLY do you know already? About... this stuff. In general." Tony cautions suddenly, lifting a warning finger, "The less you give me the more I'm going to have to go into with you, so if you don't want to revisit this stuff in horrifying detail I suggest you be honest with me on this one."

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    ... he's not lying, and well, she can't blame him. Then again, it's not like Tony to lie to her, only about minor stuff that doesn't really bother her. When he comments on her age though, she snorts. "Less than four months to my birthday, really..." So she's slightly older than that, really. And she's not about to comment that she does know enough of... stuff.

    When he asks her just how much she knows though, the reaction is immediate. Toph's cheeks turn slightly pink, and she takes advantage of the chair to swivel to the side slightly just so she doesn't have to face Tony. Knowing stuff and having to explain what she knows are two totally different things! And the warning? Why does he have to tell her these things, it's not like /she/ is the one who is being oogie here!

    "... when we were heading to Ba Sing Se we escorted this group of refugees. One of them was a pregnant lady, and... she gave birth on the road. So I know how /that/ works," Toph states firmly and clears her voice. As for how babies are made in the first place? "Men and women get very oogie, take their clothes off and... you know. THAT." Can Toph look even more uncomfortable?

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
"/I/ know 'that,'" Tony confirms. "But if 'oogie' is the best you can do I'm going to have to assume /you/ don't." He sighs, sets down the mug on the edge of a work table, rubs the bridge of his nose, and sighs again. "Okay, uh... well okay. We can start here. You know how men and women have different... parts. Actually I imagine you know that better than most people since clothes don't really hide anything from you. So. Men have... oh christ..." he shuts his eyes and prays to an invisible god for help. Then, in a rush, "Men have testicles and a penis. Women have ovaries and a vagina. Okay? They're basically analagous but women keep theirs inside their bodies. You uh... you haven't started... uh..." He winces hard as if the asking is physically painful. "Have you started having... I mean... periods, yet?" His whole body scrunches up, twisting as if struck by a sudden full-musculature cramp. His toes curl. So, so, gross.

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    What? Toph frowns and mutters, swiveling to and fro slightly in her chair, obviously restless. "... of course I know how men and women are different!" Indeed, clothes don't really matter much to her since she sees body shapes. And she's about to comment, but then Tony forces out the words he obviously finds hard to say in front of her. It's not easy for Toph either as she clears her throat. "I beat enough big, buff guys at Earth Rumble VI to know that there are some parts that you guys value over others, yeah..." she mutters, partially under her breath.

    The hesitant question and Tony's obvious mental discomfort doesn't escape her however, and Toph blinks, not missing the physical signs of his distress. "Having periods of what...?" she asks, arching an eyebrow. What the crud is he talking about? And /why/ is he reacting so badly to it?

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony holds up both hands and waggles them urgently as if begging for this line of the conversation to stop. "Okay. You'll need to ask Pepper about that. That's... Code Girl stuff. But it's important, so be sure you ask her. Okay?" God knows the LAST thing he needs is her freaking out when it hits her and she has no idea what's going on and calls him to help because she thinks she's dying and-- no, no NO, NOT thinking about that!

Deep breath. Another quick swig of coffee. A glance toward the liquor cabinet. Maybe this would be easier with a shot of whiskey...

Tony shakes his head. "Okay so... the way babies get made. You need a... piece of the mom and dad both, to put together to make the kid. So the..." his fingers twitch and clench over his knees as he resists the urge to pantomime because he is just NOT doing that, no. Another deep breath. "So the man puts his... penis, inside the woman's vagina, and that lets him transport his... part, of the baby, from the testicles to the woman's uterus. And her part comes down from her ovaries. And when they come together, they start to form the baby."

"Fuck," he adds, in a soft, exhausted gasp, because that was physically exhausting to force his vocal cords to say. "It's entirely scientific," he adds defensively. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    Girl stuff? And it's important? Okay, Toph looks even more confused now where she sits, her pale eyes 'staring' blankly into the space in front of her as she sits still in the chair. "... okaaaay?" Why is all of this so important anyway?

    And then he gets straight to the point, doesn't he? It's a good thing he /doesn't/ use his hands to pantomime things, really, as that would make things even more awkward than they already are. The brief explanation does make Toph's entire face flare up in a deep scarlet hue, and she practically sinks together in the chair where she is sitting, her hands gripping the arm rests tightly. "I /KNOW/ how the parts go together!" she protests vocally and even repeats it through gritted teeth. "I. KNOW." Man, she didn't think he would expect her to go into that much detail when he asked her what she knew! Okay, she doesn't know about the pieces or how they get from... the various places. Or how the pieces make a baby. But is that really important?

    Tony isn't the only one who's uncomfortable. "I still don't get /why/ you we have to talk about this!" Especially if he won't tell her about the other stuff that he claims is important but refuses to tell her.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
"Well you should have SAID SO," Tony snaps back, flushing just as deep a red from his neck to his cheeks, not that Toph can see it. "And you need to know about this stuff so if... so you don't... look, you just need to be fully informed before you meet some nice boy and your hormones go crazy, okay? And I have to tell you because I'm your /parent/ now and it's the law or something. Besides, I know what young men are like. I was one for most of my life."

He raises his hands to his face and scrubs vigorously until some of the heat fades from his cheeks. He shudders and reaches for another sip of coffee to bolster himself. "Whew. Okay. So, men and women do this because it feels good, and it... well, it can make you feel closer to someone you love, so... yeah. It's not something we do JUST to make babies. Sometimes it's just fun. And you might... feel like doing it someday," he admits reluctantly. "But if you don't WANT a baby then there are precautions you have to take. Do you know about any of those?"

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    "I did say so!" Toph counters. Sure, she can't see him flushing, but she does hear how his heart is beating a bit faster. "But nooo, you had to make an ass of yourself... I didn't know you wanted me to spell it out!" And what the heck is he talking about? Sure, she has met some nice boys, but... hormones going crazy? Man, he's blabbering a lot, doesn't he? Ifs and don'ts galore!

    Rather than scrubbing her face like he does, the blind girl swivels her chair sliiightly more to make sure that she isn't facing Tony as he gathers more courage by drinking coffee. And then he goes on. Ugh, she would rather be upstairs /reading/ her fingers off. Maybe she owes Jarvis an apology. Her cheeks feel like they are burning up at this point. Well, obviously adults enjoy being oogie considering how much they tend to do it!

    ... he did not just say that.

    Whatever thoughts go through Toph's head obviously don't sit well with her as it looks as if she just tasted something really sour, and she /kicks/ into the floor with one heel, turning her chair facing directly away from Tony as she sinks even further down with only her hair bun peeking over the back of the chair.

    Is this what Tony meant yesterday on the radio when he talked about how he and Pepper are making sure they /don't/ have a baby? Though she can't help but wonder /why/ they don't want a baby. They are getting married, right? Her voice is not all that loud, nor typical of her usual loud and forceful demeanor.

    "... no?"

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony sighs as Toph swivels away from him. Yup, he's fucking this all up, just like he knew he would. Still, it has to be better than her learning about sex the way HE did...

Nope, not going there either. Not helpful.

"Okay well, you should know about a couple of the common ways, at least. The most common for the man is that he can wear a condom. That's like a... glove, over his... his penis," he stammers a little and muses to himself that it's kind of funny how he's never had any trouble talking about his dick to /Pepper/, even before they were dating. But this is of course very, very different. He's trying NOT to get the shock-value reaction this time. "And it stops his... part, from ever getting inside the woman at all. It's also a good way to protect yourself from any, uh, diseases, the other person might have. Because you can get sick that way too, same as you can from kissing a person with the flu."

A pause, another sigh, another coffee sip. More like a coffee gulp, as his eyes rove toward the liquor cabinet again. "The most common way for women is that they can take a pill, or wear a patch, that prevents THEIR part from actually starting to grow into a baby. Even if it gets... fertilized, by the man. And that's what Pepper does. Because we're not... well, /ready/ for a baby. And we might not ever. But that's the great thing about birth control, is it lets you be in control of whether you actually have one or not."

"So I know this is all weird and gross and you're not interested but it's important that you know the facts. And if you have any questions, or if you ever... want to consider going on the pill yourself, for /any/ reason, I want you to know you can ask Pepper or me, or... well, probably Pepper would be better, but anyway it's totally normal to be curious and we won't get mad. Or try to embarrass you. This is just... stuff that everyone should know. Okay?

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    Right now it's probably for the better that she can't see the look on his face, and well... she bets her own face must be rather strange to look at right now. When Tony gets to explaining ways that people can enjoy sex without having to worry about any eventual babies, she's not sure what to think. Even less when he talks about /diseases/, and she raises her head slightly and turns her chair just a bit back. "Wait... is cooties actually a thing?!" she asks, slightly flabbergasted. Here she thought it was just something little brats talked about when people kissed and such.

    Okay, she has to admit, there's stuff she didn't know. Though she can't help but wonder... Fertilized? Are they talking about plants and crops now...? So Pepper takes medicine to stop her from having a baby. That kind of explains what Tony said on the radio earlier. But still, Toph looks curious.

    "... why? Don't you guys want a baby?" They did adopt her, so they obviously don't dislike kids. It's a bit easier to accept the fact that Tony and Pepper are doing those things. But when Tony turns it back to her, the earthbender sinks together, her expression faltering before she does her best to look as stoic as possible. "I haven't even /kissed/ a boy yet," she protests. Sure, she likes boys, but... no. No way. Toph swallows and moves her hands to her knees. "And I already told Pepper that there's no way I'd let a guy touch me against my will." Getting Toph to do anything she doesn't want to is a lesson in futility, indeed. Which might make Tony and Pepper worry less about things.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
"Yeah, they are," Tony confirms the cooties question with a faintly amused smile. "Only they have big scary scientific-sounding names and you really don't want to catch any of them. And I know you haven't had any boyfriends yet which is why it's better to have this talk NOW. Because having it afterward would be kind of pointless. You're free to make whatever decisions you want about your... love life, even whether you'll even have one or not. But I want them to be /informed/ decisions. I'd hate to see you go off the deep end like I did when I wasn't... TOO much older than you are now."

He lifts the coffee mug again, sighs on realizing there's just dregs left, and this time he does stand up to go to the liquor cabinet. He really needs a shot of something. A sigh floats back over his shoulder. "It's not that we don't necessarily /want/ a... a baby," he answers Toph's second, more difficult question in halting words. "I mean I'm not... entirely opposed to the idea. Even though it scares the shit out of me. I don't think Pepper is either. But we're not... /ready/ for that. We're still kind of reeling that I actually got up the guts to propose. That's a huge step already." There's the musical sound of expensive whiskey being poured into a coffee mug. "One thing at a time, Toph."

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    Great. First she has to sit here and get embarrassed and all and talk about oogies with Tony, and now she learns that cooties is actually a thing. Just awesome. Can this day get any worse?

    Honestly, she thinks it would have been better to have this talk /later/. Even if she did have a boyfriend there's no way she would let things get too oogie! Just... ew. Perhaps she shouldn't point out to Tony that she's going to make her own decisions about things no matter what, even if she doesn't have Tony and Pepper's blessing. Though she can't help but wonder at some of Tony's words. Really, he began with this kind of stuff when he wasn't much older than she is now?

    Toph remains seated in the chair, swiveling back and forth in a restless manner even as Tony gets up and walks over to the liquor cabinet. "Why? I thought you were over that stupid fear that you'd be a horrible dad..." Toph mutters. Obviously he's not a bad dad. Heck, the fact that he's taking this stuff seriously and forcing her to talk about stuff that makes them both uncomfortable proves that he at least /wants/ to be a good parent.

    The blind girl hesitates slightly, toeing the ground. "So... why can't you tell me about those important period thingies?" Does things really get worse than oogie details?

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
The liquid in Tony's mug sloshes violently as he makes urgent cutting/flailing motions with his arms. "Because that's girl stuff," he declares firmly. "And there is some stuff I am NOT equipped to talk to you about. Just. Ask Pepper," he seems to plead as he downs a shot of the whiskey. He takes his time pouring out another shot, and just swirls this one around in the bottom of the mug as he turns around and lets the first one burn down into his belly and caress his frayed nerves.

"It's not just that. And I'm not saying I'm over anything, anyway. It's not like I'm doing a bang-up job with THIS part of being a dad, am I? And you... it's different," he sounds frustrated. "You... Pepper and I love you, Toph -- and we're happy to take you in and take care of you, really. But it's not... it's not like making a /completely new life/ that you might fuck up beyond all recognition. Anyway babies are a lot of work and we're both busy people, and... I'm... not explaining this very well."

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    Somehow Toph can't help but wonder how Tony can casually mention some of these things but still shy away from the dreaded 'girl stuff'. But she seems to take pity on him, even if he hasn't taken pity on her so far during this talk, and she huffs in defeat. Fine. Since he's gone for the alcohol then she guesses he's not handling this as well as he gave the initial impression of.

    Man, Tony really does have issues, doesn't he? And no, he isn't explaining it well, considering the confused look on Toph's face. "Okay, I get that you're both busy, but... you wouldn't 'fuck up' the baby. And just how is you two adopting me any different?" Sure, she's old enough to handle many things on her own, most things really, but even so, they do help her and take care of her. "You talk about Bitchin' Camero all the time, I mean..." As for his thoughts of not doing a good job or informing her of these things...?

    Toph sighs a bit. "... it's more than father and mother ever told me." Not that she really asked them too much about it. And honestly? She doubts they would want her to get too close to boys before marriage anyway.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony manages a little smirk at the mention of 'Bitchin Camaro.' "That's... that's just me teasing Pepper." He admits, "Maybe because it's easier than actually thinking about the topic seriously. You... it's different because you already exist. You're this kid that we met, who needed help, and a real family. And so it's not so hard to say 'Hey, we'll try to be that for you.' But with a baby... you're making a conscious decision to /create a brand new person/, someone who didn't exist before. Someone whose very being is something you're entirely responsible for. It's... different. And besides, YOU don't need anyone to change your diapers," he jokes weakly.

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    Indeed, Tony and Pepper haven't only tried, but succeeded in giving her a warm home here in Malibu. But she can sort of understand why some people don't want to have a baby even though they're adults and obviously able to take care of one. Is it really /that/ much different? Tony is sort of responsible for her in the field, when she's risking her life...

    The comment about diapers earns a snort. "Okay, if you and Pepper ever have a baby, I'll help with changing diapers if that's really so horrible," she states. It does look like she's gotten over the massive embarrassment from earlier as she pulls up her left leg and starts picking at her toes.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony laughs at that, sounding more relieved than the offer really merits. Probably because it's not just the offer, but the fact that she's moving on from this awkwardness and seems to be okay with it. "Well hey look," he reasons. "All it means is that if we ever DO... get pregnant," not that he'd be the one shouldering the burden there, "it'll be because we're ready for it and want it. That's the beautiful thing about modern science." Of course accidents still happen but he doesn't suppose he needs to confuse her with THAT right now.

He downs the second shot of whiskey and makes a satisfied-sounding grunt at the alcoholic burn. "Now I'd better eat something before this goes to my head. BLTs?" he offers.

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    "Honestly, I think Pepper is the one who would get pregnant, not you," Toph points out with a snort before she mutters. "Unless there's stuff you forgot to tell me..." Besides periods or whatever those are. Sure, it's still awkward to think about these things, but it's easier when they aren't directly talking about the most embarrassing stuff.

    And the offer of food? "Sure," Toph nods, looking rather relieved to have this whole awkward conversation over and done with. Mental note; grab Pepper later and clarify stuff.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony starts toward the stairs, but he pauses next to Toph's chair to wait for her to get up. He drops a hand to her shoulder. "So we're okay? And if you have any questions you'll ask, right? We're both here for you." He swallows, and his fingers tighten a little spasmodically against her shoulder, not painfully but as if he wants to hug her but also doesn't want to embarrass her any more. No, he needs a hug more for his own sake.

Toph Beifong (20) has posed:
    When the hand drops on her shoulder Toph blinks, tensing up just slightly. "Right..." If it's girl stuff she might as well go ask Pepper right away. Or maybe she'll ask Tony just as revenge for making her feel awkward about all of this. Still, she notices how his fingers seem to twitch as if he doesn't want to let go of her shoulder just yet. A few seconds passes by, and then Toph sighs and raises her arm, looking as if she's about to push him away...

    ... and punches him in the arm before she allows herself to lean her head against his side.

Tony Stark (301) has posed:
Tony chuckles and doesn't overdo it. Just a squeeze for reassurance, and then he slaps her on the back and jogs for the stairs. Bacon makes everything better.