2582/Soldier's Heart

Soldier's Heart
Date of Scene:	05 July 2015
Location:	Equestria <KE>
Synopsis:	The morning after Nettle helped with her nightmare, Yuna talks to Mortimer about the dream itself and the events (and emotions) which spawned it.
Cast of Characters:	385, Mortimer Balman

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Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Whenever Yuna could dredge herself out of the land of slumber, she would awaken to a house filled with the smell of cooking food. Within the kitchen there was Switchbait, a dozen or so trays and pans and utensils all floating and swirling around him as he prepared food for the various denizens of the house. Fish was being lightly fried for Roll and Reder, great big raw steaks were being browned and marinated for Falstaff and Ulbrecht, and for pony-fied folk there was sauteed wildflowers and fruits being prepared in a large pan with olive oil and lemon squeezings. The little delibird Roll was busy playing with the ancient Absol, Falstaff, who was mostly using his psychic powers to juggle her around while she squealed and clapped her flippers. Somewhere Reder, the wartortle, was being a lazy-shell and sleeping on top of a bookcase where others probably wouldn't pester him, though he was occasionally mumbling in his sleep about annoying little sock-bitches, so Nettle was probably harassing him in his sleep. And outside, Mortimer was busy teaching the absurdly gigantic thunderwolf Ulbrecht basic attack commands using wooden mannequins about the size of the average Space Marine.

     It's a beautiful day outside. Sun shining, birds chirping, the whole nine yards. If it was any more idyllic one might slip into a diabetic coma.

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna sits up with a yawn, her brain going 'oh right, pony form' as she stretches. "Good morning," she greets the household as she clambers off the couch, trying to smooth her mane out. "Is it okay if Elner comes over? She can bring a few things I should've packed."

She pauses, looking about as she starts folding up the blanket she used. "Mortimer's out?" If she happens to see him out the window, that'll answer her question conveniently enough.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Switchbait looks over his shoulder, "<Ah, good morning, madam Kagurazaka. Food shall be prepared presently. Hm? Yes, the Master is outside. If you can't see him he should be around Ulbrecht's general location, over there. Do you require a drink, or p'raps a light snack, before lunch?>"

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Blink. Blink blink. "Lunchtime?" Yuna asks sheepishly. "Eheheh ... sorry, I didn't mean to sleep that late ..." She finishes folding the blanket while considering. "I think I can wait for lunch, how long do you figure it'll be?"

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Switchbait wiggles a paw a little, "<Twenty minutes, half an hour, p'raps? Not long. And no worries about sleeping so late, the Master often takes naps at odd hours, as opposed to proper sleep.>"

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna grins sheepishly at Switchbait, "Thank you ... yeah, I can hold out for half an hour. I ought to brush my teeth -"

At about that moment, Elner flits towards Mortimer and Ulbrecht outside. "Good morning!" the robo-faerie calls out. "I brought a couple of things for Yuna; I hope she wasn't any trouble. Is it all right if I teleport inside to her?" Notably, Elner doesn't SEEM to be carrying anything.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     The giant wolf lets out a surprised bark at Elner, then bounds behind the far, far smaller pony. An odd albeit amusing sight, no doubt. Mortimer simply squints at the little faerie-thing. "Ah, yer Yuna's little helper, aye? Sure, sure, g'head on in an' bring'er whatever she needs. Hope you brought her a toothbrush, she really needs to brush her teeth."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"She thought to pack a couple of things last night," Elner answers, "but she didn't bring them with her. I have the bag. Thank you." The robo-faerie bobs in a passable representation of a bow, flits towards the house -

And rather than opening the door, teleports into the living room. "Good morning," Elner greets Switchbait and the others; the bag it was talking about appears on the coffee table, and Yuna scoops it up. "Thanks, Elner!" She grips the handle loops in her teeth as she heads down the hall ... the bathroom should be obvious enough, right?

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     The bathroom is obvious enough, though it might surprise Yuna that there's.. Really not much of a bathroom at all. There's a small shower and a sink with a tiny mirror and medicine cabinet. Definitely not Equestrian designed, something close to a Japanese apartment. Except there's no tub or toilet- those are in different rooms altogether. This may be odd depending on the housing layouts she's used to.

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
So after dealing with personal necessities of the morning, Yuna returns to the living room and offers to help getting lunch on the table. She may have to see about coming over sometime when she's in her human form, but it's bad manners to deliberately fish for an invitation.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Switchbait declines the offer for help, citing that in a Groudan household, it is considered rude for a guest to be required to assist unless they are family or intimately close friends. Mortimer would trot in, with Ulbrecht sticking his head inside through a window, making a loud whurfing sound until Switchbait launches an oversized steak at his face.

     And thus does lunch begin, with everyone digging into their food with an almost ferocious appetite. Reder and Mortimer are swift and voracious eaters but, oddly, not very messy ones- indeed they don't drop a crumb. They do seem to almost /inhale/ their food otherwise, though. The rest are less fast about their indulgences, and yet somehow more messy.

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna has a notably hearty appetite as well - partly because she 'missed' (slept through) breakfast, partly because she's actually pretty well-rested. If conversation is being made, she'll certainly join in the chit-chat to the best of her ability; otherwise she's content to eat quietly. There is one lingering question in the back of her mind, though ... and if Nettle is at the table, the Shuppet may catch note of an occasional glance from Yuna.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Nettle is not /visibly/ present, but she is present. Somewhere at the back of thoughts, in the little ethereal pockets where physical matter is a silly suggestion. "The longer you wait, the harder it'll be to ask, dearie~" comes a voice echoing in Yuna's mind. It's Nettle. "Try not to forget who it is you sup with. They will understand~"

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Rather than interrupting lunch with it, Yuna waits until the meal is mostly or entirely done before bringing it up. "So, uh ... Mort. Did Nettle tell you anything about the nightmare she ate for me yet ... ?"

If she sounds awkward about bringing it up, that may be largely because it's an unfamiliar topic for her.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer's already puffing on a pipe by the time Yuna asks, and lifts a brow. "Hm? No. That's between you an' her unless you feel like sharin'. 'Round here we respect peoples' privacy unless it becomes a problem that forces us to get involved, y'know?"

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"Nettle figured that you probably should," Yuna answers. "I'm not sure what you can do other than helping talk it out, but ..."

She trails off, finishing the last couple of leaves from her food, and inclines her head to Switchbait. "Your cooking really is excellent; thank you for letting me share your meal. I know it's part of hospitality to a guest, but ... I didn't know for sure I'd be here overnight until I was settling in, so I really do appreciate it."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Switchbait bows his head a bit, "<Thank you, madam Kagurazaka. Here, allow me to clean up..>" The assorted trays, dishes, and bones begin to levitate off the table and floor, and float behind Switch as he flutters back to the kitchen. The assorted beasts go back to their naps or playing, leaving Yuna and Mortimer to chat.
     The latter exhales a large plume of smoke from his nostrils. "Hm. Dunno what the problem is 'till you tell me, but if Nettle said to talk to me about it, she prolly figures it's somethin' I know enough about that maybe I can help.."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Hopefully the smoke isn't drifting (or being blown) in Yuna's direction; even her politeness has its limits when it comes to other people's smoke. But presumably Mort is more considerate than that.

Waiting for the others to vacate the table also gives Yuna time to figure out how she wants to talk about the nightmare. "You heard about the Noise Marines' attack on that outpost a couple of weeks ago, didn't you?" she finally asks. "Where they'd remodeled a giant robot into a walking weaponized speaker stack?" She cringes a bit just at the general memory; though the basic context of the battle wasn't nightmare-inducing, Yuna has a long-standing belief that music shouldn't be weaponized in the first place.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer shakes his head. "'Fraid I hadn't. I'm not part of the 'loop' so far as military operations go- and information networks are expensive as hell, and i don't have that much money to go 'round anymore. So I don't find out unless it's real public an' I'm payin' attention, or if it goes on the news, or if someone tells me.." He shuts up to let her explain and then rubs his chin a bit with a hoof.

     "Hn. Noise Marines.. I've heard the term afore, but I can't quite recall the details I fear.. You'll hafta give me a synopsis of the battle."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"Chaos Marines, cultists of Slaanesh or something," Yuna answers, grimacing. Elner's hovering next to her by now, although the robo-faerie will withdraw if instructed or asked to do so. Yuna continues, "They attacked a Union outpost - not sure if it was a basic military strongpoint, or a surveillance station, or what ... it's gone now," she adds with some chagrin. "The Titan's speakers had been tuned so that the sonic bombardment itself was damaging, destructive .... El-Line was able to block it with my shield, Shugoseiheki, but that meant I couldn't dodge or fight as much. And I was - we were able to let most if not all of the personnel get to safety ..."

She trails off abruptly.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer's otherwise pleasant disposition fades visibly when Yuna mentions the word 'Chaos'. "Ah, Traitor Legions.. Naturally.." He is of course, not blowing smoke in her direction- indeed it's all being directed at the window, and floats out there. He is noticeably smoking more as she speaks, though. "Titan.. Ah, one of those giant robots they're so fond of in that galaxy. Curious to bring out such a valuable asset on such a simple assault.. But no matter. I presume you defeated them?"

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"Yes and no," Elner answers. "It was a joint Confederate assault with multiple Elites, as near as we could tell at the time, and the base was ultimately damaged to the point where it'll need to be rebuilt from scratch. We did save the bulk of the personnel, although it was a near thing in some regards."

Yuna takes a deep breath, looking up at Mort. "I thought it was just another giant robot, with a pilot in a cockpit or something like that, maybe a small crew. But ... when I took out the main speaker, the subwoofer ... when I opened the Titan up with that strike ... there were *people inside it* - hundreds of crew, if you could still call them crew when they were - so many of them looked like they might have been dead, *should* have been, their bodies were ..."

Yuna sucks in a deep breath, trembling in her seat, and swipes her foreleg across her eyes briefly. "They were still alive," she says shakily. "Part of the Titan's machinery and they were *alive* ..."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Ears perk up, intently listening to Yuna and Elner. "Say Elner, why don't you go take Ulbrecht out for a quick walk? Have him run to the edge of the Everfree, bring back one of his dragon bones to chew on? I'd appreciate it a lot if you would." Not the most subtle way to ask for a few minutes alone with Yuna but it should, hopefully, get the point across. "He doesn't need a leash, just hold onto his fur."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"That could be somewhat difficult without hands or arms," Elner replies in a neutral tone. "But if Ulbrecht will follow me without contact, I can manage ..."

The robo-faerie looks to Yuna briefly; she's still trying to pull herself together, but returns Elner's glance before looking at Mort. "You don't ... Elner knows what happened, Mort. She was there, part of El-Line during the battle, and she knows about my nightmares. If it's my privacy you're worried about ..."

She doesn't seem to notice when Elner DOES flit out, whether to take the thunderwolf on his walk or just to give them the privacy Mort was asking for.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mort nods to the little robot faerie. "Thanks Elner. Yer a good fella." Yuna probably wouldn't notice that they had been quite a degree of privacy- all the Pokemon had left the room too. So, Mort stands up and walks to the window. "Hellish stuff, the shit the Traitor Legions pull outta the Warp. Slaaneshi cults.. Yer lucky that's all you saw."

     His face has hardened by this point, but the frown has been directed outside rather than at Yuna. Doesn't want her thinking he's irked at /her/ or something. "Pretty sure this ain't the first time you've been put into a position of your life or theirs, you've been workin' for the Union fer years. Can't see many reasons why this'd shake you unless they put somethin' /real/ damn awful inside that Titan."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna's voice remains shaky, although she isn't outright crying. At the moment, anyway. "It wasn't ... Mort, I wanted to save them. It wasn't my own survival at that point - I almost wish it HAD been, in a way ... but the base, the evacuees were still behind me, and even that damaged the Titan kept going ..."

She hesitates, only now realizing that Elner left after all. If the robo-faerie were still here, Elner could tell the rest of the story for her.

"I wanted to save them, to save as many of the crew as I could ... I knew that should be my priority, always. To defy the Darkness, to free and help the victims whenever I can ... but the Titan's legs kept pushing it forward, even crippled ..." Her voice is still ragged, although less so than before - even if only by dint of pushing herself to keep talking. "Saving them ... I knew it would take more than I had, more than the Union Elites still there could probably do ... I should have tried anyway. I ..."

Her voice finally breaks off.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Ahh, there it was. One of the harsher questions. Mortimer took a deep, smoke filled breath, held it for a moment, then exhaled. "How does one weigh sapient life?" He'd turn and walk toward her. "A pack of screaming hostages, crying /victims/, against untold numbers of helpless people who will become victims? And in the middle of such questions, soldiers who have only a second's time to choose. To make a command decision on who will sacrificed on the altar of War." His eyes close for a moment, then open.

     The query hangs for a moment, but he does not give her time to say much, "The answer is that we choose the option that lets us save as many people as possible. And then we will tear ourselves apart for those we could not save, as though it was really up to us- that we really had a choice in who we could bring home. But we don't. All we're allowed to do is guess at how many we can bring back with us, and from there who lives.. And who dies. And very few of us are ever prepared to make, much less live, with those decisions."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna doesn't look up. "Elner's already tried to tell me that I took the only option I had," she says quietly. "That realistically, there was nothing else I could have done ..."

There's an audible sniffle before she speaks again, still looking down. "It's ... I know what I chose, Mort. I know I decided, in that moment, that the most I could do was end it cleanly. To take out the powerplant and ... and let them - let their suffering end. I was right there with them, the explosion seared El-Line's armor and I felt it in the cockpit ..."

Somehow she suppresses the desire to curl up into a fetal ball in her seat. "I chose their deaths ... maybe that weight should be on the cultists, but ... I didn't try to save even one of them, because I didn't know how I could ..."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer leans down so he can be closer to eye-level with Yuna. "Then you've done all you can do, Yuna. "Maybe" you could have done more. "Maybe" if you'd tried to save them, even more would have died. My eldest brother Alphonse was fond of saying this about 'maybes'- Maybe if your uncle had tits, he'd be your aunt. Maybes don't mean anything if they can't become definitelies. And I know that doesn't sound very comforting... And I'm sorry. ..That's the world soldiers live in." He'd trot off for a brief moment, let Yuna think.

     And come back with liquor. Two cups, bottle of sake. A cup poured for Yuna. "Drink. It helps a little, eases the mind, as long as you don't crawl into a bottle. When you get back to yer Union friends, you should seek out a professional therapist." He'd down his first cup and then pour himself another. "But while you're drinking, Yuna. I want you to think about something very important. If those people were enslaved by those who follow Slaaneshi.. Then death is probably the greatest mercy you could afford them. Slaanesh is a Chaos God of /lust/ and /desire/.. Its followers always looking for the next great high- /any/ kind of high."

     Yuna should hopefully get the terrible, chilling subtext of what that means.

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Normally, Yuna would refuse alcohol outright (albeit as politely as possible). This time, for whatever reason, she doesn't; she accepts the cup, holding it in front of her to be filled if it wasn't already full when handed to her. "When Elner was scanning the 'crew,' she got some of that data too ... maybe not direct from sensors but just from seeing and hearing -"

It's a testament to the intensity of those memories that she cuts that sentence off without finishing it; it's equally a testament to either her control or her habits that she doesn't quaff the cupful of sake just to fend off whatever memories came with those words. "It would have taken a lot of counseling at best to help them, according to what Elner figured. That ..."

She lets out a sigh, looking up. "Mort, I can't - I can't accept anyone's death is for the better. Partly it's who I am, partly it's who I would become if I *did* accept that way of thinking. I guess I started out lucky; with the Queen of Darkness, the girls she captured could be set free as easily as beating them in a fight. Same with the Erika Seven after they were enslaved by the Eternal Princess ..."

She takes a small sip of sake now. "The Thirteen Frauleins and the Erika Seven, plus Erika herself ... they kept their battlesuits somehow, they're my friends and allies back home. A lot of them are still fighting, keeping our home worlds safe while I'm not there."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer nods a bit, offering a small smile, and making sure her cup is full. "I understand. Yer a magical girl of some sort or another- beacons of hope an' all that- so I don't expect you to accept it. But fates worse than death exist. And being a slave to the Chaos Gods, I'd call that one of'em. An endless cycle of torture and degradation.. They are, at the very least, free of that torment. And better Gods will have taken them home by now, I am certain." Another puff of smoke.

     "Queen of Darkness.. I'm afraid I've no idea of that chapter in your history. But I do know what happens.. If you can't accept it, if you can't accept that you can't save everyone. You end up going Article 12, and then you can't help anyone at all."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
If Yuna can get away with declining refills, she's going to. She's small, it really doesn't take much alcohol to knock her brain out of the loop, and she'd just as soon keep her head straight for now. "Savior of Light," she says. "That's my title. Kind of a paladin to the Queen of Light of my universe ... Elner can tell you more of the background; Ryudia - my predecessor - has been giving me history lessons and trying to help me grow more into the role."

She smiles ruefully, "Maybe someday I'll feel like I can use the title without putting on airs just saying it. But I don't think I'll ever feel like death is a preferable fate to much of anything ... I mean, I understand the concept, and you could be right that the - the 'crew' of that Titan ..."

She almost sips from her cup again, but it's pretty obvious that she knows and respects her own limits. "All I know is that once somebody is dead ... there's nothing else for them in the mortal plane, for good or for ill. Even if they can't suffer any more, there isn't anything good for them either ... Every life is precious, a sacred treasure that can't be replaced by any of our works."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer nods, still offering that small, sad smile. He hoped she could always refute that, inside. That she'd never /really/ see what a fate worse than death truly was. But he also knew that the probability of such sights grew every day she fought against horrors and evils of the Multiverse. What could he do? Tell her to quit? Yeah that wouldn't work. Might's well tell her to take up the oldest profession 'cause that wasn't gonna happen.

     He'd let her finish, and pause a moment. "Well.. That's not true. There may not be good for them /here/, sure, not as we can see it. But there's more waiting for them, on the Other Side. If their own gods will not them what they deserve for the suffering they have endured, then others will. I can say with absolute certainty that Mew would give them succor if none others would. But death is not simply an /end/."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna nods slightly. "Different religions treat that differently, but ... I think every religion I've learned about treats death as not just an 'end' but kind of a 'beginning' too. It's just ... once somebody dies, they don't come back - well," she amends, "usually. There've been ..."

She sips from her cup again. "Hina came back after she was killed because she was a goddess, and people prayed for her return. Everyone who was reported dead during the mission to Annu ..." She trails off, looking straight at Mortimer. He was on that mission himself, as she recalls - and if she hadn't remembered, the Mark of the World-Slayer is virtually impossible to miss. "... it turned out the Confederacy lied about that, kind of, didn't they? Everyone came back in the end. And the people who died during the Neo-Saiyan invasion of Reptilon were brought back to life by the Dragon Balls. There are lucky little exceptions like that ... at least, out in the Multiverse."

Yuna lets out a breath. "But without - what was I saying ... The souls of the dead don't come back to us, unless you believe in reincarnation, and even then they're not the same people we lost. Even if death is a beginning as well as an end, it's not a beginning that the living can reach beyond." She gives what's left of her sake a mildly petulant look.

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer briefly looked up at his forehead, where his unicorn horn sprouted from the center of the broken sun. "..Yea.. I suppose so." For his part he felt that the Mark of the World-Slayer, indeed being dragged back to life, was a curse more than anything else. But then he'd lived a very, very long time, and was tired. Life had its perks but seemingly endless life, drawbacks- a brief pang of aching and longing for all his friends and loved ones from his younger years waved over. ..But, oh well. He wouldn't mention that part to her. "I do see what you mean.. But try not to look at it that way, even so. It's a path we'll all take in time, so.. Well, I suppose if you make it as far as I have it'll seem less like the terrible thing you do when yer young.."

     He finishes his cup of sake off, and a fourth- fifth?- one is poured. "All I can really say with that in mind, Yuna, is don't blame or hate /yerself/ over it. Go talk to pros over. But feel free to get upset. Get get angry, shout, get blood ragin' /pissed/- but at the people who put you into that position, at the situation and how unfair it was /itself/. Not at yourself. Because /you/ did /nothing/ wrong. You did everything right that you possibly could."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"I'm not sure it's about blaming myself, except ..."

Except that's where the nightmare hits its peak, and she knows it. If not from simply blaming herself for having no other choice, then for the trauma that the taking of a life inflicts on a relative innocent, like Yuna.

"Thanks, Mort," Yuna says with a faint smile. "For Nettle's help, and for listening to me talk about it. It's ... I'll see who I can talk to professionally, maybe there's somebody in the Union."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     Mortimer nods. "Good.. You do that soon as you can, okay? Because if yer gonna keep followin' this path.. It /is/ inevitable, that this'll come up again. Maybe not the next fight, maybe not the next hundred. But the enemy will always do what they can to deny you a fight on /your/ terms. ..And I don't wanna see you break 'cause of that."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
Yuna nods, "I'll keep my eyes and ears open. Elner's not going to let me go without getting help either - she was pushing me to talk to people in the first place, and she doesn't want to have to go looking for ANOTHER Savior of Light if I ..."

She makes a face, trailing off. "Anyway. I really do appreciate it, Mort ... thanks."

Mortimer Balman has posed:
     "If's aren't any better than maybe's. So don't think like that." He'd reach out and give her mane a fuzzling, then smile. "You can stick around long as you want, though if yer gonna be here longer'n another day or two I'm gonna ask yah chip in with groceries!" Gwaha. "But hey, my door's always open. I'm gonna go get some gardenin' done. You wanna laze around on the couch, g'head. You wanna do somethin' constructive, you can make sure Elner hasn't gotten lost somewhere in Ulbrecht's fur."

Yuna Kagurazaka (385) has posed:
"Going for a walk sounds good," Yuna replies; she looks at what's left in her sake cup, sips it decorously (and maybe carefully) and sets the cup down before getting up from her chair.

And then being grateful she's on four legs today. "Yeah, gonna go for a walk or something, I think, get some fresh air. Elner's not that far ... see you around!"

She dips her head as though bowing, then makes her way towards the door, wiping her hooves on the mat before she heads outside. Elner flits over to join her as well - either the robo-faerie and Ulbrecht already made it back, or they never actually went to the Everfree Forest border like Mortimer 'asked'.