2155/Lunch and Chitchat

Lunch and Chitchat
Date of Scene:	03 May 2015
Location:	Heaven or Hell Tower <HoH>
Synopsis:	Psyber and Nathan begin to repair their relationship.
Cast of Characters:	168, 253

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Psyber (253) has posed:
    Psyber had said he was bringing Nathan lunch, and so he would do so. Though it might not be the sort of lunch Nathan was used to eating. Before he showed up in the office, Psyber had gone to the Boston Fish Market and picked up some fresh-cut sushi for lunch. A couple trays of it, actually. Mostly Tuna, Fatty Tuna, salmon, eel. Basic things, nothing TOO weird. But he has no idea if Nathan really would eat Sushi, so h e also has a basic ham and cheese sandwich with him.

    These, along with two cans of juice, are what he arrives in the library with, "Hey Nathan. I told you I was gonna stop buy today. You feeling up to sharing some lunch with me? Maybe talking a bit?"

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    Nathan is looking... Well, he's calmed down, in a way. In the throes of hate, he looked positively radiant, healthy, full of vigor in his own way. Right now, he doesn't look sick, he doesn't look sleepless, and he doesn't look like he's been missing out on meals. He just looks... Kind of lifeless. "Welcome. Welcome, welcome, come in." He says, muttering as he closes up something he was working on research for. Likely something to deal with the Lordran crisis. "Can't really imagine it'll be a stress. Won't be stressful, I think. You know what stresses me," Nathan says, shrugging vaguely. "So."

    He's not at the main desk, instead on a desk off to the side, so he can move the books off to one side and let it work as a functional sort of table for just eating. "Take a seat then, go ahead. What did you want to talk about?"

Psyber (253) has posed:
    Psyber nods his head to Nathan and sets the bag down in front of the librarian, "I dunno if you like Sushi. I got some mild kinds, but pretty good," It's introductory chatter, mostly, as he moves to sit across from his best friend and look at the desk, "I figured you might give it a shot. Also got you a sandwich if not."

    "Mm. Talking," Psyber looks a bit lost, "I admit, I don't know what I want to talk about. All of it, I guess, to some degree. I want to apologize for failing you, first and foremost. For not seeing how things were affecting you before you got so bad off. I'm not a man the Union uses to see emotions, so it can be hard for me, even with my detective intuition."

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    Nathan makes an apathetically accepting sort of noise in the vague direction of sushi. "Give it a shot. Sure, I can give it a shot." He says, simply, staring at it and blinking slowly. He'll probably dig into it in a while, slowly getting the food out with his now typical slow, gradual motions. "Yeah."

    And then he looks up, seeming to take a long time to try to figure out where to start on a response. "Can't blame you. Can't blame you for not seeing them right. Suppose I try to project an... Appearance, a particular appearance of someone who doesn't feel much. It's what I ought to be, really, what I'm supposed to be. Can't blame you for not really seeing past that." He winds up staring at the sushi again eventually, though, looking down and away from Psyber a bit. "Just... Please don't try to find them out the way you tried. Before. Made this mistake twice now, won't make it again. You don't have any obligation, really, it's not your job to figure out what's going on in my head. Going to make sure this time I don't make it relevant again."

Psyber (253) has posed:
    "That level of aggressive addressing on my part will not be happening again, I promise you on my life," Psyber says seriously. It seems that the effects of coming at Nathan in the angle he did will remain for Psyber. He learned a valuable lesson about Nathan from all that, and it was that he couldn't come at problems publicly and aggressively. With Nathan, he had to be more gentle and approach them at a calmer pace.

    "But that doesn't mean I won't still try to see how you're feeling at times. Get your opinions, your feelings on certain matters. You are one of my best friends and your mental stability is important, if this series of events has taught me nothing else," He picks up a piece of sushi, dipping it in some soy sauce and saying, "But it will not be how it was before. That was simply harmful to all involved. It will be a gentler affair, as two friends talking should be. I will ask if you have a feeling or an opinion, I will note your answer whatever it may be. If I feel it needs extrapolation, I will do it more calmly and not in public."

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    Nathan looks relieved, in his own way. It's a palpable reduction in pressure, but he still seems to remain on the retreat, in a way. "Not something I like talking about. Worst in that context, sure, worst of all. But I guess..." He rubs his face a bit before pressing on, starting to get into the sushi. "My feelings aren't really something I think helps anyone. Doesn't help anyone, honestly, just winds up with a lot of people hurting. I think I told you before, I think I told you, that sort of thing just..." He makes a vague gesture.

    "I've learned, through the years, through the problems I've worked on. I've learned that talking about how I feel, acting on how I feel... Really doing anything that acknowledges it, that acknowledges that that sort of thing exists, it's really nothing but shame in the end. Nothing but mistakes. Burning the Drasillum showed me that a lot more. I was a bit stupid, really a bit stupid when I thought... I don't know. Don't really know what I thought. Thought maybe opening up more, acting on how I feel, that was a good idea." He shrugs. "Saw how that turned out, we both saw. So don't worry about it. Not a mistake I'm going to make again. Don't need to know much."

    His face is stoic and his tone is monotone but there's the palpable feeling that, while he believes it's wrong, he probably won't actually deny Psyber any answers here.

Psyber (253) has posed:
    "I respect your stance, Nathan," Psyber says in a pretty honest tone, "You've earned and proven that much, at the very least, to be valid," Psyber concedes this point to Nathan in regards to him not wanting to share his emotions.

    "But on some level I worry that if you are conditioned to never express, this issue will reciprocate itself in another three to four years. And, in all realistic projections, I may not be alive to prevent the subsequent repeat incident," Psyber says very dourly, eating a piece of sushi gently, "It is less a belief which you should emote and act more," He notes, phrasing this as if he weren't trying to disagree with Nathan, but instead more asking Nathan to pander to his weakness, "And more a doubt in my own ability to and those around you to notice when you are in pain."

    "Expressing and acting on emotions is dangerous. You were right, in a way, that I cannot relate one hundred percent to how you feel. You are, even among humans, unique in how your memories work. A fleeting emotion could, for you, last much longer and echo forward far further," He rubs his hands together and thinks on it, "I worry. This is the end point. I worry for the ramifications of what happened five days ago."

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    "Expression got me here." Nathan says, making a plaintive gesture. "Expression. A little here, a little there. Letting go a little more each time, just a little. Little more, little more. Everything was fine with Lady Fairchild when I was just keeping it in. Things got worse after we rescued her from Wrathborn, things just got worse. Had that outburst. Made it clear, made it obvious. Everything started falling apart. Because I was letting go." He remains essentially motionless now, going back to staring at his food.

    "Then, I didn't refuse when you asked. Really ought to have, told you it wouldn't do any good and I thought that would be enough. Still had a bit of my head on straight back then. When you asked why I felt how I did, when you wanted... Some resolution. Just ruined things further. Put us in opposition." He breaks his motionlessness to rub his temples. "Then the next incident. And the next. Lost all my allies, the friends on my side. Kept showing more and more pain. Figured someone would help." He shrugs. "I was wrong. The problem was that my feelings are wrong, really, just wrong. Don't have much right to them if they're that bad, you know. Expressing something wrong doesn't do any good."

    Propping his cheek up on one curled-up knuckle, he leans onto his elbow and begins picking at another piece of sushi. "Ramifications are simple. More shame on my part. Probably spent the last of whatever goodwill Lady Fairchild still had. And I won't make the mistake a third time. That's all, really, that's all. Simple stuff."

Psyber (253) has posed:
    Psyber is silent for a long moment, staring down at his sushi before picking up a piece and nibbling, "Proverbs." He says, halting a moment, "Uhm... Sorry..." he stumbles a bit, the first time he's ever had to pause to remember a verse, "Chapter twenty-seven. Verse seventeen. As iron sharpens iron, so too will one man sharpen another."

    Psyber lets this hang for a long moment, as if searching for a way to explain what he wants to say, "I... the arguments about Elliana stopped being about Elliana after a while. I think I didn't convey that properly, and you thought I was simply attacking you on her behalf. This was also my failure."

    Psyber finishes off the piece of sushi in his hand and continues, "I value your disagreement. I respect your emotions. And I have learned from my mistake, in that I never made it clear when the argument stopped being about Elliana herself and became about my concern for your well-being. That I was iron attempting to sharpen iron, rather than be a wall with which to crush you," He looks down, "In the future, I will do so in a more easily-apparent manner if I believe necessary, though I doubt it will be."

    "As for... driving us apart, I doubt that. You are my best friend. As I attempt to sharpen you, you too sharpen me. More than Elliana, or Hastur, or even Laine. You, your agreements and disagreements, and your emotions. They help me understand my human side more. Whatever coping mechanism you choose to use, I would be sad to lose that," He hangs that thought in the air for a long moment, "Because of that, for whatever happened earlier this week, I want you to know one thing. I have tried to be, and will always try to be, your friend. The same forgiveness I have always given Elliana was a resource available to you as well. It simply never had use before now."

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    "If you want." Nathan says. "Don't have much right, really, don't have much right to tell you not to. Or to reject it." There's a little of that lack of opposition left, but it seems a healthier context. "I don't agree, not really, but, I'll let you do what you do." He makes his plaintive gesture again, but otherwise doesn't shift his expression or tone. "And whatever you choose to learn, I'm not in any real position, any real perspective that I can expect you not to. I appreciate it, though. Appreciate what you're doing, what you're promising."

    He gives a heavy sort of sigh. "Feels wrong. Feels wrong arguing against what you felt, then using it to... Make up for my mistakes. I about tried to kill you, really. Probably wouldn't have worked, probably wouldn't have ever worked at all, but..." He stops, for a while, freezing, as if stuck processing for a moment. "I let my guilt make me irrational once." He says, plainly. "Won't make the same mistake. I don't think it's right to forgive me. Don't think it's right at all, really, think Amalthea's stance strikes me as more rational. But I'm not going to tear myself apart about it. I'll accept it and try to move on, try to learn a little more. Try to make it up the ways you want me to. Already got enough guilt now without jumping obsessively into something, obsessing over some way to make things right. Only ends badly."

    He leans forward a bit, getting a bit closer. "I'm not going to give up being friends with you, no. Not going to give up anything like that, not going to just drop that, if you need it. If that's what you want. Don't deserve it much, really. But until you decide you don't want it anymore, I'm going to keep it."

Psyber (253) has posed:
    "Nathan..." Psyber trails off the name, watching the man as Nathan leans forward and says all that. He looks immensely guilty, almost hurt at the particular phrasing from the librarian, "A friendship is mutual. It's not enough that just I need you." He sighs a bit, trying to figure out how to phrase his feelings, "It's... do you WANT to still be my friend? I'll hardly hold it against you if you don't, after all I did."

    The comments about forgiveness are left unaddressed. Psyber is, and always will be, too forgiving of a man in many ways. For all the scars he bears and the cuts he receives, it is in his nature to be so forgiving because he simply... is. He rubs his hands together awkwardly after saying that last part to Nathan, though. As if scared of whatever the librarian has to say next.

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    "What I want's pretty irrelevant to what I deserve." Nathan says. "Already saw that, I'm sure you already saw that." He gestures that plaintive 'you know what i mean' kind of gesture again, and then goes back to talking. He doesn't seem entirely aware of how he's hurt Psyber's feelings there, but it's likely what he says next will resolve some. "Can't say I think it makes much sense for you to forgive me. Doesn't make much sense to want to be my friend, or things like that. But,"

    "Yeah. I want to be friends with you. You save my life. You're a great partner for fieldwork. Dependable, reasonably dependable. Intelligent. We get things done that need doing, solve problems that need solving. And I want you to be happier, deal with less stress, want you to succeed when you're fixed on a goal." He does look at Psyber, though his eyes remain lifeless. "Don't think I much deserve the friendship, not really. Want it plenty, though."

Psyber (253) has posed:
    Psyber nods his head to Nathan again and smiles a bit, "I guess you can chalk my forgiveness up to that 'angel' thing," He says, referencing an older comment by Nathan, but framing it in a much more positive light, "As a Guardian, it's in my nature to forgive the unforgivable. I once was asked about this by Riva, and I told her..." He thinks for a few moments, "I told her that it's easy to forgive someone that spends all their time in the light. These are the people whom shine, and while it is good to trust and walk with them, it is a test of your nature to forgive those whom have slipped to darkness. Good people whom through mistakes or misbeliefs have taken to a dark path."

    "These people, I think, MOST deserve a candle in the darkness," He notes quietly. Looking around the library a bit to make sure they're actually alone, Psyber slowly shifts his chair. Unless Nathan seems to object or not want it, Psyber will break his no-hugs policy and actually try to hug Nathan under the shoulders and around the back in friendly embrace.

    This is him using up the second of his 'three hugs a year' quota.

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    Nathan accepts the hug. It's a bit lifeless on his part, but in a way, it seems like he might need it. He even goes, a bit, to reciprocate the hug, albeit cautiously. The feeling is less of fear and more of doubt that he ought to in the first place. "Might be. Might be that you're right, I don't know. Turns out I was wrong about a few things myself, a few more things than just what you know now. Still don't know the answers to a lot of questions."

    "Suppose you know better than me. Lots of years, lots more years than I've had dealing with this sort of thing." He says, once Psyber chooses to let the hug go; before then, it was just some respectful silence. "Suppose I have a few questions myself. Some insight you can give me. People like me, people like her. Maybe we need the light. But..." The next question comes without any implications of attack, no attempt to change Psyber's opinion in any way. He just wants an answer. "Why do we really deserve it?" This seems like a meaningful question; Nathan will accept any answer Psyber provides, but there's a palpable feeling like what answer he does choose to state is something that will affect things to come.

Psyber (253) has posed:
    Nathan's question is a very heavy one. And one which gives Psyber a long pause, "There are many different kinds of people who exist in the darkness. You will notice that for all my forgiving nature, some I cannot. Those people who truly... have no humanity left. No morals." He says this seriously, "People like Lute... people like Lezard."

    "But people like you and Elliana, who maybe took a turn towards Dark because circumstances forced them to, forced them to in order to survive the immense pain of a shitty life," He looks at his hands at this. The unspoken part of that is 'people like me, who had to commit an unspeakable evil for a greater good'. He clenches his hands into fists after looking back up at Nathan.

    "Those people deserve a chance to come back, I think. It's naive, and it hurts me so much every time I believe in someone and they cut me with it," He looks towards Nathan again, "But it takes a certain understanding. People who've been hurt. Hurt so bad that a shroud of dark is the only security? Hurt so bad that the only way to deal with the pain is to lash out? To get through to them, you have to be willing to accept the pain they give you. Willing to really believe there's something worth it under all that."

    "But mmmn... that's not an answer, I guess," Psyber thinks it over, "The... Redeemer, they call me. Because I have always believed in a necessary evil for a greater good. But an understanding that the ends do not excuse the means." He rambles a bit, shaking his head.

    "If no one hated me for Annu, for what happened, what right do I have to hate you?" He frowns again, "Why is it so hard for me to explain this answer?"

    He pauses and murmurs, "You deserve it because you feel pain. Feel regret. Feel remorse. You wish it could have been different, wish you could change for the better," He looks to Nathan, "Because you wish for these things, you deserve a light in the darkness to guide you to those goals."

    "It sounds foolish when stated out loud, and it is more sophisticated in my head," He elaborates, "But it is the best answer I can give. You deserve the light, deserve my forgiveness, because you are not a monster. Because you wish to not be a monster. I only hope I can make this understandable."

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    Nathan seems to give some consideration to Psyber. He doesn't seem to arrive at any one particular conclusion or another, or if he does it's not showing on his stoic expression. "Okay." He says, simply. "I guess that answers that, guess that... Gives me what I need to think about. I guess that lets be get started. Don't need to push yourself, don't need to force yourself to say it in some articulate way. Figure I got the message, I'm close enough. Same ballpark, I suppose."

    "Suppose that answers the question, suppose that tells me a bit of what I need to know. Suppose I'll think on it. Thanks." He says, then, a bit more intently. "Thanks for... Well, thanks for thinking I deserve this. Deserve any of this. It helps. However much I deserve the help, it helps." He sighs, and gets back to focusing on his sushi, picking at it and eating it slowly, gradually. "Bit heavy for a meal. Probably ruining your appetite, probably... Hhhhh. What else did you wanna talk about? Just the apologies, or...?"

Psyber (253) has posed:
    What does Psyber want to talk about? He's pretty content with how this conversation has gone so far. He made more headway in a single lunch than he did with months of radio yelling, so there's that. He he knows Nathan and knows that this will be slow going. The half-angel lets out a pensive noise and says, finally, "I dunno. I figure we should probably pick up a new project to work on together. It's been too long since we were both really focused on the same prize. And it might be good for your energy levels."

    He looks over Nathan's desk curiously, picking up a piece and popping it in his mouth. In a much more casual manner, he asks, "What've we got to choose from here?"

Nathan Hall (168) has posed:
    "Lordran. Lordran first, then," Nathan says, nodding firmly. "I've got Lady Fairchild's plans. Things she needs done, things she's planning to do. Terra Majora needs fixing. Properly. No more indirectness, no more... Messing around. Take the conspiracy at its source. Put all the stupid cycles of pain to rest. Best we can hope to do. That's what I'm going to focus on this time. None of the obsession, none of the guilt, none of the skewed perspective. Just one more plan to put this all to rest, put everything to rest."

    "Aside from that? Not much I know, not much at all. We'll find something. Always more work to do. Always something more. By the time we're done with that, there's going to be plenty." He hits his stride in the whole 'eating' thing, slowly resuming properly. "Delegated the job to Himei. Pretty sure she'll have something collated for us soon, pretty soon. Dependable that way. We'll always find something."